Tag: Growth

Why Small Acts of Generosity Matter (Even a Little Bit Helps)

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Over the last decade I have discovered the power of taking small, consistent actions. I have created little habits that have served me well. Whether it is exercise, reading or dental hygiene, my small, daily actions have built up over time to help me create the type of life that I want.

It will not surprise you though, that some parts of life are still a struggle. I’ve discovered that I am yet to master every element of the human experience, not matter how many tiny habits I put into place.

Sometimes I become overwhelmed at the gap that I see between where I am and where I want to be. Especially when it comes to the relationship that I have with those that I am closest to, or the way that I turn up every day. I am yet to become the type of person that jumps out of bed in the morning and exudes joy for the new day.

It is disheartening to see the good things that I could bring to those around me if I had a better attitude but not be able to do it. Why bother then? Why not slip into grumpiness and save the energy from trying if I’m just going to fail anyway?

I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Psychologist, Leanne Tran on the Generosity Podcast, when she said that, as parents, “we only need to get it right 30% of the time for our kids to become securely attached”. That’s 3 out of 10. What would be considered a failure in all areas of academia, and most other areas of life (outside of some sport which is interesting), is enough for our kids to flourish.

“Even a little bit of truth and love goes a long way” – Father Richard Rohr

This quote from Richard Rohr carries a huge amount of weight. Even if you can’t do it every time…even if you can’t do it most of the time, if you can do it right now then “even a little bit of truth and love goes a long way”.

Never underestimate the power of one positive action.

Your Dark Side

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Some questions you are never prepared for and this was one of those. I had just been talking and joking with a friend about their incredibly persuasive abilities, which could be quite powerful and devastating if used for evil instead of good. “That is your dark side.” I said.

We laughed. Then he flipped it on me, “What’s your dark side?”

“Damn it, what a jerk!” I thought.

But I sat with it for a minute and answered, “I can be pretty judgmental”. It hurt to admit because I pride myself on treating all people the same, no matter who they are, because I would hope that they do the same to me.

I am naturally curious and that generally gives me a pretty good read on people, fairly quickly, and so I think I get a good understanding of part of who they are and what motivates them. When I’m at my best, I have a very generous sense of their journey and their person. When I’m not at my best I can find myself writing people off because of who I perceive they are. I hate that part of me, but it’s my dark side, it makes sense that I don’t love it.

I have found that when I drift in to being super judgmental, I have stopped being curious about that person, I think I fully understand who they are with no possibility that there is something else that I could learn about them, or that they couldn’t surprise me.

As Les Parrot said, “Curiosity is the on ramp to empathy and empathy changes everything”

It’s impossible to be curious and judgmental at the same time.

So, I keep aiming for curiosity. 

Why I hate most TV shows

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There is no story without a problem. You need conflict. If a story doesn’t have conflict, it’s not a story, it’s an anecdote and it’s boring.

The majority of conflict in TV shows is based on deception. On avoiding a hard conversation. On hiding something from someone else so they don’t get upset, and then the next 18 minutes is dedicated to covering your tracks so you don’t get found out in a lie.

Each 20-minute tv show has an A, B and C storyline. That’s potentially three different stories of deception that happen every episode. For a standard 10-episode series, that is 30 potential conflicts from deception and lies. Don’t get me started on seasons with 20 or more episodes in them. And often these are family-based sitcoms. It’s “okay” though because everything gets found out by the end, it will be funny and then resolved within half an hour.

What is that teaching us, or more importantly, what is that teaching our kids? That you can lie, try to cover it up and that’s how relationships work?

It misses the issue of consequences, many of which are unintended, and what happens in relationships when we are unable to be truthful with those that we do daily life with.

Lies and deception are anti-generosity. They are selfish. They break relationships. The cover up afterwards serves only you. We like to think that we are saving others from a difficult situation or a painful truth, but it’s always about saving ourselves from it.

Generosity in conflict is loving honesty. Sure, it’s harder to do but it puts other people at the heart of the issue, instead of my desire to avoid of a difficult conversation.

So, I find myself avoiding sit-coms now. I’m not looking for unnecessary drama.

“If You’re Not Enough Without It, You’ll Never Be Enough With It”

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“Someone once told me that I would never amount to anything. I showed them.”

I have heard that statement so often as people have shared their story about how they became a ‘success’ and what fueled them to get there. On the face of it, it appears that some of the greatest inventions, businesses, sporting feats have grown out of strong desire to ‘prove the haters wrong’.

I can’t help by think that maybe I’m doing my kids a dis-service by giving them encouragement and telling them that they can do hard things. Perhaps I should be telling them they will never be able to do it, and they won’t amount to anything, you know, to help fuel them on to greatness.

This idea of doing something in spite of the people who opposed you is more than just motivation. It is about contentment, happiness and joy. Is so called ‘greatness’ worth the sadness and depression that comes afterwards? Because once you achieve what you set out for, often there is a cliff that leads to the depths of despair. It is a common experience for Olympic athletes after they finish competing at the highest level.

The quote from Cool Runnings comes to mind, “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

You can use it for just about any other life situation:

  • A good marriage is a wonderful thing
  • Being a father is a wonderful thing
  • Owning a home is a wonderful thing
  • Getting a promotion is a wonderful thing
  • Landing that speaking gig is a wonderful thing
  • Writing a book is a wonderful thing
  • Earning more money is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that game is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that race is a wonderful thing
  • Being a leader is a wonderful thing
  • Having a large following is a wonderful thing

…but if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.

What does it mean to be enough?

It’s contentment. It’s peace. It’s being able to sit in the stillness and quiet – to seek it out even, and to not need anything else.

If you can find that, then that is worth more than gold.

You’re ability to spot a problem is a gift, but not yet thanks.

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Some people are incredibly gifted. They have an eye which notices things that others don’t. They can spot a problem, an issue, a possible negative outcome in an instant and from a mile away. You might know someone like that. You might be someone like that.

Having people like that around is vital to make things work. But…

If this type of thinking happens too early in the process of creation it can kill innovation, dreams and wonderful ideas. It can create a culture where the word ‘can’t’ is the final verdict on most things.

To overcome these sort of situations I have been channelling Rob Lowe’s character, Dean Sanderson in The Grinder. The only thing I remember clearly about the show is that his character continued to find himself in situations where there was no possible way forward and what he wanted to do was so far fetched everyone around him was saying that it couldn’t be done. His response has now become my favourite saying:

“But what if we could?”

What if it was possible? What would that look like? If we could do it, then where would that take us? What would happen as a result?

It’s not just blind optimism, it is a generous, practical thought process that can allow new ideas to develop. You don’t even have put the ideas into practice but the process of imagining what is possible, if it could be done, creates a place of freedom and generous creativity.

“It’s always seems impossible until it’s done.” Nelson Mandela.

KFC for the Soul

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KFC can be nice on occasion. KFC chips are a specialty in our household. Not everyday mind you, not even every week. It’s probably been a few months since we last stopped past and picked some up. It was a nice treat.

That aside, KFC is bad for you. If you were to eat it every day, for every meal it would destroy your body and general health, as well as your negatively impact your mental health.

In the same way, Johann Hari notes that “materialism is like KFC for the soul”. It’s nice once in a while, but if you live in it all day everyday it will destroy your body and general health, as well as negatively impact your mental health.

Materialism is devastating because of the continuous infiltration of messaging in our lives that tells us that to feel better, to look better, to find more love, to overcome our sadness and depression and anxiety we just need to buy more, to upgrade, to get another one, to get a newer one, to have more than one. By doing that we will find happiness, purpose, and everything we have ever dreamed of. Except we don’t.

The crazy thing about this is that we know it. We know that buying stuff doesn’t solve anything long term. We get a nice feeling in the moment but it doesn’t last long enough to get the newly purchased item home before the sadness starts to sneak back in.

One of the methods to help overcome our emotional challenges is to focus less on the self and more of ‘we’. Giving to other people, through time, money and expertise, can help overcome the isolation that depression and anxiety can bring. Generosity is the superfood for the soul. It is so good for us it is almost beyond belief, but it’s real. You can’t have too much of it either, that’s how good it is for you.

The Root

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“It wasn’t my fault.”

“It happened to me.”

“I was at the whim of a greater power.”

“The Devil made me do it.”

It can feel good to say those things.

When something bad happens to us it’s nice when we realise that we couldn’t do anything about it and we are just a victim to the situation.

Another statement in line with this thinking is that “Money is the root of all evil”.

If that is true, then it’s not my fault if I make bad decisions with money. Money is bad. Nothing good comes from it. Anyone who has money must be bad too.

But, that statement isn’t true. Not in the format that we might know it. You see, that’s only part of the statement. The full statement is ‘the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil’.

That’s not as fun because instead of being at the whim of a greater power, this would suggest that I have agency in the process. I can control the things that I give my attention and affection to. I can control what I focus on. I can certainly control whether or not I love an inanimate object like money. So, then it is my fault. When we love money, we do bad stuff. Bad stuff to ourselves and other people.

Money is not bad in and of itself. People who have money are not inherently bad or evil, although by their proximity to it they are at greater risk of falling in love with it and what it can bring them.

One key thing; there is enough money on the planet to lift everyone out of poverty. If we were all to love it a little less, then much evil would be overcome.

To be like Damian

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“He’s always like that. Always looking to help someone out.”

That was how someone described Damian Martin after he made the news for stepping in to help a stranger and rescue a dog from a house fire.

I was amazed. Imagine that. Imagine being a world class basketballer, and an amazing guy who is always on the lookout to help someone. I can’t even be one of those things.

What does it take to become like that? How do I shift my behaviour to be more like Damian?

Having not met Damian, here are some guesses as to why he is like he is…

Extraversion – one who gets energy from being around other people.

Self-confidence – Confident in his own ability, carrying the knowledge that he is enough.

Profile – People know who he is and respect him.

Good heart – A person who genuinely cares for others, humble and seeking to do good.

There are probably more things than that, but out of those 4 I think that I can control 2 of them. Outside of changing my personality type, or seeking a profile in the world somehow, I think I can spend some time and energy on increasing my self-confidence and working on my heart to be a little more like Damian.

Think smaller (a little bit)

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For some, (including me), the idea of a massive goal, or a significant aim in life can make them freeze. Whilst others may be excited and motivated by a massive challenge, the first group look up at where they are aiming and stop, loosing all momentum. Usually this happens when there is a large, ambiguous gap between where they are and where they want to be with no idea of how to bridge that gap.

If you find yourself in that place, something that can be really helpful is to think small(er).

Instead of chasing your dream, do 3 things today that gets you a step closer. Find 3 specific things that you can do which will shift you a little closer to that end goal. Not only will this help you un-freeze, but it will also begin to create a little momentum towards it.

It’s the same with generosity. I’ve met many people who want to one day give millions of dollars away, which is an amazing goal. But, usually there is a big gap between where they are and the reality of that goal and so they don’t do anything.  So I encourage them to do these three things.

  1. Live within your means
  2. Give some money away
  3. Create a plan to make more money

Doing these three things each day or week will put you in the right place to give millions of dollars away if your goals come to fruition.

What if I don’t get anything back?

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I have become overprotective of my energy levels. It’s happened slowly, over time, but I have found myself calculating how much energy a task would require before I say yes to do it. Especially if it’s something my kids have asked me to do. Here are two real life examples:

“Dad, let’s go play cricket outside.” Quick calculation of time it would take, energy required, weather conditions, what else I have on for the day, how I could push it off to another time or day, who else could I suggest he play with instead, energy required to say ‘no’ in my most polite and encouraging way.

“Dad, can you read me this book?” Quick calculation as to how long the book is, how much writing is on each page, how small the writing is, whether or not I enjoy the book, what time of day it is, how many other books have I read recently, is there another time that I can push off the book reading to, is there something else I can get them to do instead, who else is around that could read the book, can they read their own book.

Why do I do this? Why not just play some cricket or read a book? Who has ever regretted doing that with their kids?

My problem is that I worry it will never be enough. My kids always want more than I feel I can give. If I play cricket for a bit, they always want just a little bit more. If I read one book (or part thereof because it is super long), then they always seem to want more and it just leaves them disappointed and me annoyed because “they should be grateful for what I give them”, or so I think.

But giving of my energy is just the same as any other part of generosity. It’s not a zero sum game. It’s not about me pouring out everything and the kids taking everything, leaving me with nothing and them with all. Whilst energy is finite (meaning it does run out eventually) the impact of it is not. The relationships, memories and love that it creates compounds over time, which fuels me and gives me energy. It probably takes more energy to calculate why I can say “no” to something than just saying “yes” and doing the thing. But it’s still a struggle.