Tag: Action

Am I really that bad?

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My nephew* is great. How he engages with my younger kids is remarkable, even though they are about 10 years younger than him. He finds the time and energy to play with them. Not bad for a teenager.

My wife was commenting on this the other day and I agreed, saying that “I never would have done that at his age. I wouldn’t have thought about others the way he does. I probably still don’t.”

Without hesitation, without a second thought, without any internal debate, my wife responded, “Yeah.” Fully agreeing with my self-assessment. It was said with a smile, with a some humour to it, but behind the humour was the subliminal message which said, “but seriously, you don’t”.

Brutal.

It sent me on a bit of a downward spiral. I know I’m not great sometimes but am I really that bad?

I think of other people, don’t I?

I know that I am self-centred, it’s something that I have wrestled with for a long time, and something that I am sure that I will wrestle with for a long time to come. I used to operate from a place of being so afraid of letting people down, or falling short of people’s expectations that I would avoid any sense of responsibility in life. I didn’t want to promise to do something and then not do what I said I was going to. Under promise and over deliver. Or never promise and never deliver. I was a little like Eleanor Shellstrop from the Good Place, “You don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe you anything.”

I thought I had changed my ways. I thought I was a better person than I used to be. I probably am, but here is what I realised after the humorous/serious “Yeah.”:

There is a difference between thinking about others, and then verbalising and acting on those thoughts.

It appears I still have some work to do to shift my thinking into action.

*I have many nephews and nieces; they are all great. This story just so happens to be about one of them.

Acting Out

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“You cannot think yourself into a new way of acting. You have to act your way into a new way of thinking.” Marsha Linehan 

At some point, action is required. Even though planning is important. Even though preparation is vital. Even though having a sound strategy is wise, there comes a time when it is all lost if we don’t do the thing. If we don’t take the first step and put the plan into action, the preparation to good use and the strategy to the test. A step must be taken.

There is always going to be a reason not to start just yet. There is always going to be a reason to put it off just one more day until you have ‘all your ducks lined up in a row’. But the real reason is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid.

“But I’m a perfectionist” = “I am afraid”

“I’m not ready yet” = “I am afraid”

“The timing is not right” = “I am afraid”

Fear cripples, ruins, defeats, quenches growth.

Action begins to tell a new story. To create something new, to start a new journey, to begin a new chapter, first you must act in a new way. Your actions will shape how you think, and in turn, will impact how you feel.

For example, if you act generously, you will feel generous and begin to think generous thoughts.

First: Action

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It is perhaps the most challenging part of being an adult – realising that most good things in life come after action. Be that motivation, inspiration, momentum, direction, creative juices, freshly baked cookies…you name it.

On the flipside, there are very few desirable things that come from inaction.

It’s the same for the feeling of fulfilment and joy that come after a generous act. We know that the brain and the body respond in positive ways when we are generous to others. We like the feeling of our brain and body responding like that. But we don’t always do the thing that brings about that feeling.

It first requires action. It needs proactive behaviour that chooses to be generous first, then experience the good things follow.

To find the good things in life, you must act first. To find that good feeling and the positive outcomes of generosity, you first must be generous. The beauty is that it can start with your thoughts. You can even think generously about someone and start to receive some of the benefits. But don’t leave it there. It’s not a real act until you act it out.

The Only Donations that Count

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We have spider webs in our garage. It’s starting to get to the point that I dodge around them to get to my car. Outside of that, they aren’t hurting anyone as that section of the garage is for the Christmas decorations which we won’t need for a couple of months.

Except for the fact that my feelings about spiders and their webs are very much in the negative sphere. Every time I see them, I think “This weekend, I am going to destroy those webs”, then I get into the car and drive off, or I walk into the house and completely forget that they exist until I enter the garage again and go through the exact same process. My inaction slowly makes things worse as the webs get bigger and more intense.

I have strong feelings about them, but nothing will change until I act on those feelings. Once I do that I know that I will feel better and it will create a better experience for everyone involved (except the spiders but I don’t care as much about them).

Donating to a charity can be like that. We can have the best intentions to give some money to make a difference in the world. We can have strong feelings about a situation and even share those feelings with other people, but until we act on those feelings and give some money away nothing will change. In fact, we probably make the world a little bit worse through our inaction as the problems slowly get bigger and more intense.

It can be challenging to find the ‘right’ organisation to give to. It can be overwhelming at the thought of sifting through many organisations to try and figure out what they all do. We all want to make wise decisions when donating money but as Oliver Burkeman put it, “The only donations that count are the ones you actually get around to making.”

Talking is nice, but giving is better.

Hallucination

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The printing press changed the world. Invented by Johannes Gutenberg in the mid 1400’s, it made it possible for books and other written works to be reproduced with ease, putting information and knowledge in the hands of many who had never seen it before. Before that, if you wanted to reproduce a piece of writing it needed to be done by hand. But once invented, it flooded the world and people received fresh insight as the knowledge market shifted, changing the power dynamic across society. Not everyone was educated and able to read but it may have been one the most influential inventions ever.

The internet can be traced back to it, being like an electronic printing press, making information accessible to anyone who has the internet and a device to consume it. Not everyone can do that yet, but it is more than ever before.

Putting the unhelpful parts of the internet aside, now we have access to the greatest wisdom, insight and knowledge of everything that the human race has ever learned within moments of beginning a search for it. People living in the 1400’s could not have imagined having access to even a tiny portion of the information we do.

So, access to knowledge is not an issue then. Why aren’t we all geniuses, living the 4 hour work week, mastering all our habits and living as highly effective people?

It comes down to this: Implementation trumps information. You can have all the information in the world (and we do), but if you don’t do anything with it then it’s a complete waste of time.

Or as Walter Isaacson said, “Vision without execution is hallucination”.

We might have plans or ideas about what we want to do with life or about who we want to become and the difference we want to make, but it’s the actions that we put into place that take those hallucinations and make them into something real.

Words Matter

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What we say matters. How we say it also matters. There is something powerful about the words we use and how we choose to use them. What we speak over our children has a significant impact on their lives. What we speak over ourselves does also (which can sometimes be an echo of the words that were spoken over us by a parent or care giver).

How we respond to someone else’s words is entirely up to us. We choose to take offence or not, we choose to react or not.

I have often said that a great act of generosity is assuming the best of someone, no matter how their words or actions might appear to us. I find it is also one of the hardest acts of generosity to participate in.

To physically harm someone because they have offended us is wrong. Most would agree on that straight up. But our viewing preferences would suggest otherwise…

90% of the top grossing Hollywood films each year over the last decade are violence based (although I don’t think “Frozen” is entirely in the clear). Either a war, or something is being avenged or some sort of ‘man’ is fighting an evil oppressor to become the victor…with physical violence.

The world was offended when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock in the face at the Oscars. Then we all sat down, grabbed our popcorn and waited for The Batman to beat up the Riddler.

It’s not so easy to rid ourselves of violence.

Generosity in Action

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Thoughts are incredibly important. What and how we think create the foundations of how we see and approach the world. Our thoughts shape the way we live. So, positive thoughts are much better than negative thoughts because they have the power to create positive experiences.

Generous thoughts are amazing. Thinking about someone through a framework of generosity is one of the most positive things we can do with our mind.

But only if it leads to action.

Generous thoughts are not generosity. Generosity can only be achieved through actions.

A great theologian once said,

Suppose you see someone who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?

A generous person is not generous by their thinking alone, but ultimately by their actions.

How can you tell if you are being generous? Your behaviour will show you.

Changing The World

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I think we all want to matter. We all want our efforts to make a difference in the world, however small. Having a sense of purpose and accomplishment is connected to wellbeing.

But when we are faced with the enormity of events that are happening on a global or national scale, it can be disheartening. It doesn’t seem to matter what we do we won’t be able to change the world, right?

Whether you are facing a global pandemic, or the leader of your country is a raving lunatic (as a random example), there is always something that you can do. The challenge is not getting too far ahead of yourself and thinking that what you are doing today won’t really change anything.

There is an ancient military methodology of spreading leadership responsibility around in an efficient manner and training future leaders at the same time. There were commanders of one thousand, commanders of one hundred and commanders of ten. It may sound simple to us today, but it made great numbers of soldiers manageable and created a clear reporting structure.  The commanders of ten reported to the commander of one hundred who reported to the commander of one thousand. Any form of structural hierarchy we have today can be traced back to this line of thinking.

What has that got to do with making a difference? Well, to become a commander of one thousand, you first needed to prove yourself as a commander of one hundred, after proving yourself as a commander of ten, after proving yourself as a soldier.  You couldn’t just jump to being a leader of thousands of people without first being one of the people.

In the same way, to change the world, you need to change your country, after changing your city, after changing your community, after changing your household, after changing yourself.

If you want to make a difference in the world, choose to act in a way that will change the lives of those in your household.

They don’t have to be large, outrageous actions, but little things – maybe one per day, and build on it. Over time it creates momentum. Have you ever heard of a pilot with thousands of flight hours and wondered how they could possibly have flown that much? Well, one hour at a time. Or an author who has written numerous books? They did that by writing one word at a time. In fact, anyone who has ever done anything great, performed small actions, consistently and well, over time.

Making a difference in the world, changing it for the better, requires small things done today, and then every day, and in the future you will be amazed at the world you are living in.

Not That Kind of Locust

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“Our experience shapes the way we see the world and how we see the world shapes our experience.”

“Sometimes stuff happens to you and sometimes you happen to stuff.”

I find it fascinating to watch how people respond to life circumstances. And let’s face it, there has been a lot of ‘life circumstances’ happening this year. It’s got me thinking a great deal about what responses are appropriate and what it takes to control our response to those things which are outside of our control.

I decided to do some reading on the psychological concept of locus of control thinking that it would help me break down people into two groups.

  1. Those that have an external locus of control being people who sees the events of their life and the world around them as happening to them, without having any control over.
  2. Those with an internal locus of control being those that can control their response to external events and recognize that they can always do something.

It turns out locus of control is more about people’s view of how success is achieved – whether it is completely within their control (internal locus) or success comes from luck or fate alone (external locus). As you could imagine, most people fall somewhere in between.

Regardless of that, this frame of thinking can be the springboard for how we approach the world. Generally, people will either lean more towards action or reaction. Action, being more in line with an internal locus of control, someone who creates the world that they want. And reaction being more about an external locus of control, someone who responds to the world as it happens to them.

This year has seen a great deal of things ‘happen to us’ and I am in awe of those who are creating the experiences they want, the life that they want and the cities that they want to live in. They are the people who are not overwhelmed by challenging circumstances and are creating positive outcomes where others only see tragedy.

As Hamlet put it, ‘nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’