Tag: Giving

“I don’t care what anyone thinks” …well that’s not true.

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I knew even as the words were still on my lips that it wasn’t true. Who was I kidding? Even as a teenager I knew that I was frightfully afraid of what other people thought of me. They call it FOPO, Fear of Other People’s Opinions.

I think now I am a little less afraid , but it depends on the day and the weather and the amount of coffee I have had. I do want to get to the point where I legitimately don’t care what other people think, but I’m not sure that’s possible, or entirely healthy.

Regardless of that, I want to get to a place where I care more about what I think of me. I want my opinion of me to be solid and fair and generous. If I can get there, then it matters not what others say and think, or at least it matters less.

In reality I’m not sure that my opinion of me will be solid and fair and generous, at least not all the time.

But, along this journey, I think I will limit the people’s opinions that I care about to those closest to me and those that know me the best. They have earned the right to have an opinion.

The Best Days…

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It still happens from time to time, but not as much as it used to. My 4 year old, sitting on my lap, consuming the food that I have just prepared for myself – often after not eating her food. I used to find it really annoying, especially when food would somehow end up on my suit pants, requiring a change, or when she was supposed to be in bed, asleep.

It wasn’t until it struck me that this is a seasonal part of life, that I began to enjoy it. She certainly won’t be doing it in 10 years, nor 5, probably not in 1. I realised that I had this moment, and this moment only.

Recognising the current season you are in is a significant act of generosity to yourself. You don’t have to beat yourself up for not doing more, for not creating more, for not achieving more, for not…you get the idea. Because right now, in this moment, in this season, you are enough, and you are doing enough. And it is likely that this season will pass, perhaps all too quickly.

20 years from now, my boss is never going to say “remember that time when you attended that meeting?”. It is more likely that my kids will say, “remember that time when we did/saw/went to that thing/place?” That helps me refine my focus on to what is truly important.

But, I admit, managing the tension between this moment right now and the drive to grow and improve and do more, is a challenge.

“Pretty disappointing actually”.

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I valued the honesty, but it certainly wasn’t the response that I was expecting.

I had arranged one of our team to participate in a call with a supporter to help them feel connected to what they were giving to. I was on leave at the time and afterwards, I called up to see how it went and the above response is the exact quote that I received in reply.

It was rough.

After a moment I said, “tell me many things about that.”

He shared openly about the experience and it turns out there were a couple of unmet expectations on behalf of all parties involved.

I was shattered. I realised that I didn’t communicate clearly enough with the people and essentially set the meeting up for failure. I had had missed the mark.

Fortunately the supporter was incredibly gracious and understood the challenges, and was generous enough to be open and honest about their experience. I appreciated that greatly and it helped me see that sometimes things are not as easy as we think they will be. I thought I could just connect people via a calendar invite and it will all just work out. Apparently not.

Mostly though, what it taught me is that critical feedback is not fatal, in fact it can be a great source of learning and growth if we let it.

Top 5 Books from 2023

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Looking back at my reading over the last 12 months I notice that it was a very fiction heavy year. Perhaps a little embarrassingly so – as much of the fiction was what I call my ‘junk food’ reading. But, here we are, overweight with murder solving stories from L.A. Outside of that, there is the embarrassment of discovering books that have been around for a couple of decades. I can be a little slow when it comes to finding good books, but it’s nice that they still hold up.

Here are some incredible highlights:

Man’s Search for Meaning – The Classic Tribute to Hope from the Holocaust, Viktor Frankl

A re-read. I keep hearing so many people talk about this book as a significant one in their lives and no matter how many times I read it, it still moves me. I come out with something different each time. The quote that has stuck with me this year is, “Happiness cannot be pursued. It must ensue. One must have a reason to be happy.”

Chasing happiness as an ends in itself will not work.

A second stand out quote:

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment”.

We are not set in concrete. We get to choose what our existence will be.

If you have not read this book, read it. I have a copy that I can lend to you (I’ll need it back to read it again).

Blink – The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, Malcolm Gladwell

Sure, it’s been out for almost 20 years, but it was one of Gladwell’s books that I had never found my way to, until this year. There were a lot of illustrations about the way we can utilise the initial response we have in given moments. The one thing that I still find myself thinking about is the section on micro expressions, and how our expressions can change the way we feel. So I’ve been trying to smile more…

Fooled by Randomness – The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets, Nicholas Nassim Taleb

Published in 2001 and still totally accurate, also probably the only book that I have read by Taleb that I mostly understood.

By sheer weight of numbers and chance, some people are lucky for a period of time (in both life and markets). Often they then believe that their ‘method’ is the reason for their success, but then their luck runs out and they implode. If you give luck enough time, it will run out. This book highlights that just because something seems to have worked for you, that doesn’t make it the best method or even an effective method. Also, just because something hasn’t happened before, it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen in the future. Again, this book was written before the Great Recession, Donald Trump’s Presidency and COVID.

The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday

Another re-read and a great way to end the year. It is always a constant reminder that we will face obstacles in life, that is a guarantee, but our response to those obstacles shapes what our life looks like. It comes down to how we perceive the obstacle, the action we take and the will we have to keep going.

Fiction of the Year

Station Eleven – Emily St John Mandel

I don’t even remember how this book got on my list, but I’m so glad it did. It was an incredibly compelling story, flitting back and forth through time to share the characters’ journeys into a new world after a virus wipes out most of the global population (first published in 2014). I loved it and would read it again. It has also been made into a miniseries on one of the streaming services. That was okay (but they are never as good).

Other books read:

Wolf of the Plains: The Epic Story of the Khan Dynasty – Conn Iggulden (Very good read)

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry – Jon Mark Comer

Originals – Adam Grant

The Lincoln Highway – Amor Towles

The Course of Love – Alain de Botton

The Screwtape Letters – C S Lewis

The Secret – Lee Child

And then many Michael Connelly books…

A Darkness More than Light – Michael Connelly

Lost Light – Michael Connelly

The Narrows – Michael Connelly

The Closers – Michael Connelly

Echo Park – Michael Connelly

The Overlook – Michael Connelly

Nine Dragons – Michael Connelly

The Drop – Michael Connelly

The Black Box – Michael Connelly

The Burning Room – Michael Connelly

The Crossing – Michael Connelly

The Wrong Side of Goodbye – Michael Connelly

Two Kinds of Truth – Michael Connelly

Dark Sacred Night – Michael Connelly

The Night Fire – Michael Connelly

The Dark Hours – Michael Connelly

Desert Star – Michael Connelly

The Late Show – Michael Connelly

Tyred of the same thing?

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Christmas is upon us. It’s nearly here. It’s happening.

As you go about your preparation for this season and think about the people you will buy presents for, think about what they would really like. I’ve noted before that this is not my strong suit, but I am not the only one.

I recently found out that Australian’s will spend $921 million on presents for people this year that are unwanted. That’s right, almost one billion dollars on gifts that people will throw out. $35 for every man, woman and child will be chucked out. Creating 275,000 tonnes of landfill, about a kilogram for each person.

So, in order to save yourself some time and landfill, reach into your wallet or purse, grab $35 and throw it in the bin.

Or, buy something that will do some good, ensure that your money gets used, recycled and used again, and see to it that your gift is recyclable, by purchasing a Gift of Opportunity. These gifts, like chicks, or ducks, or seeds, or old tyres (yep you read that right), represent things that women living in poverty in India and Indonesia use to create their own business from a small loan. Through that business they make an income, put food on the table, send their kids to school, pay the loan back and work their way out of poverty. Your Christmas gift this year is you providing that loan on behalf of someone you care about and letting them know about it. It’s feel good, do good, save the planet gift giving.

Merry Christmas!

Giving = Living

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There were these beautiful moments where people would visit Morrie Schwartz to offer him support and assistance, but in the end, they would leave being encouraged, uplifted and loved by him.

He was dying. And what would normally have been a time of sorrow and despair became a time of hope and joy. Such was the impact that he had on the people around him. Such was his generosity.

When asked why he chose to focus this time on those who came to see him, and to build them up, he answered “Taking makes me feel like I’m dying, giving makes me feel like I’m living.”*

Even though he was dying, he didn’t feel like he was because his was giving to other people. That is the power of generosity that even in the face of death it brings life and life to the full.

If you want to feel like you are living, no matter what is happening around you, giving to others is the best thing you can do.

*Tuesday’s with Morrie by Mitch Albom

Forget You

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“The more one forgets himself — by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love — the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself.” Viktor Frankl.

I hate serving. I hate the idea of being a servant. The word conjures images of people living as slaves and waiting on someone hand and foot because they have no other option. Servitude sucks.

The fact that we have an industry called, ‘the service industry’ irks me. I even used to work in it for a bit (I wasn’t great). To be clear, it’s not the industry that I don’t like, but the name. I bristle at the idea of being in someone else’s control, at their beck and call and having no agency of my own.

But this is not what service is, nor the service industry. One of the main differences is perspective, and shifting my thinking from service being slavery, to a picture of a person working for a greater cause. This creates a different experience. That is the only way that I can comfortably land in a place where I can positively talk about serving another person, as a way of forgetting myself and working towards something bigger. Putting someone else’s needs before mine. (They say that marriage and parenthood offer that sort of experience, but I have seen plenty of married people and parents live out of selfishness, and I have done that many times myself).

When Viktor Frankl talks about being more human when we forget ourselves, he is talking about the emotional experience. When we actively care for someone else, when we are seeking their benefit at the cost of our own, then we are having a greater human experience. Jesus talked about gaining your life only after losing it. There is something special that comes when we give of ourselves, when we sacrifice for others, when we serve. That is the beautiful gift that generosity brings. When we act in a way that puts others in the central part of our life, then we receive the benefit of the generous experience. You can’t stop it, it just happens naturally.

Real slavery does exist in our world, and it is evil. But the kind of service that Viktor Frankl refers to is not that. It is the opposite, it is the freedom to give of yourself to someone else and finding that you gain something amazing in the process.

Stormy Weather

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‘Walking round the room singing stormy weather…’

I was literally doing this as a teenager as Crowded House filled my mind with their music genius. Little did I know how important weather would become in my life. For years I would talk about it when I worked in radio. I was fascinated by the way the weather changed, how it could be so different in places that were so close together, and by how it made me feel.

I can take on almost anything if the sun is out and the sky is blue. It makes such a difference to how I feel and my optimism level.

Alternatively, pack the skies with clouds and rain and the cold, then no amount of coffee can perk me up.

I am working on this, and looking to make winter into a time of strength, but to date, the weather I am experiencing strongly influences my quality of life.

The good news is that if you change the weather, you change the experience.

Actual weather aside, there are times when life is filled with challenges and no amount of coffee (or whatever your poison is) can perk you up. So, change the weather/influence, change the experience.

One of the greatest methods of changing your mental health weather is through generosity. By acting generously to someone else, even when you don’t feel like it, it will shift your mood. It changes how you see the world, how you see other people and how you see yourself. Sometimes only by a little bit, but that is still a positive step.

It requires no set up, just find a person/organisation/group in your life that you can give something to, be it money, time, expertise etc. and then do it. The positive impacts will be numerous, for you and the people you are generous to, and so everywhere you go you can always take the weather with you.

Acting Out

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“You cannot think yourself into a new way of acting. You have to act your way into a new way of thinking.” Marsha Linehan 

At some point, action is required. Even though planning is important. Even though preparation is vital. Even though having a sound strategy is wise, there comes a time when it is all lost if we don’t do the thing. If we don’t take the first step and put the plan into action, the preparation to good use and the strategy to the test. A step must be taken.

There is always going to be a reason not to start just yet. There is always going to be a reason to put it off just one more day until you have ‘all your ducks lined up in a row’. But the real reason is fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid.

“But I’m a perfectionist” = “I am afraid”

“I’m not ready yet” = “I am afraid”

“The timing is not right” = “I am afraid”

Fear cripples, ruins, defeats, quenches growth.

Action begins to tell a new story. To create something new, to start a new journey, to begin a new chapter, first you must act in a new way. Your actions will shape how you think, and in turn, will impact how you feel.

For example, if you act generously, you will feel generous and begin to think generous thoughts.

What’s Next?

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“What you are going to do is more important than what you have done.”

I think Harry Truman said that. I’m not sure, but I like it. It gives me the impression of hope, of possibility, and of newness.

It doesn’t say that what you have already done is unimportant, both the good things and the not-so-good things. Because the good things that you have already done are vital, and the not-so-good things that you have done have consequences that often linger. So, what you have done has an impact. But what is more important is what you choose to do now. What will happen in this next moment. Will you choose to engage or withdraw? Will you choose to lift up or tear down? Will you choose to give or take?

If you miss the mark, or choose the wrong option, that’s okay. Each moment gives us another chance, another choice, another possibility.

You have no control over what you have already done. You have absolute control over what you will do next. Own that choice. Take responsibility for it.

When you get to that point, choose generosity. That will bring about the most amount of good for the most amount of people.