Things with a numerical value that add up, subtract, divide and multiply (you know how math works). This is the easiest stuff to measure. We can count it. But does it really count? Does it really matter?
With, or without, her spoon, she is right
My favourite part about watching my son run around the track at his athletics club is that it’s not important who crosses the finish line first. The focus is on getting the best out of yourself and going for a Personal Best (PB) time. I love seeing him run faster, throw, and jump further than he has ever run before. He is excited by that as well as he discovers that he is capable of so much more than he thought possible.
Sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter, he is only competing against himself. The strength of that attitude is that it leaves space for more than one person to win in any race. It is not a zero-sum game, but it’s a place of growth, a place of development, a place of abundance.
We might think that type of attitude has no place outside of kids’ athletics, but it is truly how we can live our whole lives.
In a world where we live with the philosophy of “survival of the fittest” (which is a sham by the way), we are taking the easy way out. It’s easy when all you have to do is try and just be a little bit better than the other team, the other person, the other organisation, we do improve but only incrementally.
If we shifted our focus from trying to be a little bit better than someone else, and begin to imagine what we are capable of, then we realise that we can always get better compared to what we have done before and we are capable of so much more than we think is possible.
Mostly, just because someone else is doing well, it doesn’t mean that we lose out. There isn’t a limited amount of success in the world, there is an abundance meaning we can celebrate when other people are doing well and strive to get our own PB.
As Reese Witherspoon said, “Someone else’s success isn’t impeding mine”.
I Didn’t Win Again?
There’s the old story of a man sitting in front of the tv watching the lotto numbers be read out and exclaiming, ‘Dammit, I didn’t win again!’
The response then comes from his partner, ‘I keep telling you Albert, you have to buy a ticket first!’
The arrogance of someone expecting to win something that they haven’t even entered is funny for the onlooker and sad for those involved.
But at some level we all do that. We can all expect an outcome without putting in the work beforehand. Expecting to get a promotion without putting in the hard work previously. Expecting to lose weight without eating well and exercising. Expecting to win an event without training. Expecting that the world will come calling without spending the time creating and preparing. Expecting to win the respect of others without first showing respect to people.
First, we do the work, then the outcomes happen. Not all outcomes are guaranteed though, but if the work is done first then the likelihood of an expected outcome is much higher.
One outcome that is guaranteed is the outcome of generosity. Once you are generous you feel good, you help the world be a better place and create good things all around you. You don’t even need to buy a ticket, just give some money away.
No matter where you go, there you are…
If you are worrying about money now, thinking that if you can just get through the next few months and everything will be fine, you are wrong.
If you worry today, you will worry tomorrow.
If you put things off today, you will put things off tomorrow.
If you are stingy today, you will be stingy tomorrow.
If you are generous today, you will be generous tomorrow.
It’s not about your circumstances, it’s about how you are responding to them and it’s about who you are when you respond.
Hoping that your circumstances will change tomorrow won’t help you feel better, or more relaxed, or more organised, or more generous today.
Change always starts today, right now.
So, become the type of person who doesn’t get anxious about finances, or who is not worried by the challenges we face in life, or who is organised or who is generous.
How? That’s the funny thing; I think you already know the answer to that.
Usually, the starting point is the answer to this question – what are you avoiding?
It doesn’t matter where you go in life, or what circumstances you find yourself in, ‘you’ will always be there. Become the type of ‘you’ that you want.
Generous Robot
I jumped on the bandwagon and asked ChatGPT to write a short article on generosity for me. This is what it came up with…(I’ve made some notes along the way).
“Generosity is the act of giving freely and without expecting anything in return. (Solid start…)
It is a quality that has been admired and celebrated throughout human history, and is considered a virtue in many cultures and religions. (A little broad and sweeping but a fair comment).
Being generous can take many forms, from giving money or goods to those in need, to volunteering time and expertise to help others. (Very nice. Much of what I have written is about these elements of generosity).
It can also be as simple as being kind and attentive to those around us, or offering a listening ear to someone who needs it. (Yep. Accurate).
One of the benefits of being generous is that it can bring joy and satisfaction to both the giver and the receiver. (Yes, that’s exactly what I have said before).
Giving to others can make us feel good about ourselves and can create a sense of purpose and fulfillment. It also helps to build stronger communities, as acts of generosity can foster trust and connection between people. (This is scarily on point, the communities thing was a nice touch too).
In today’s fast-paced and often-self-centered world, generosity can be a powerful force for good. It reminds us that we are all interconnected and that our actions can have a positive impact on the lives of others. (Okay, now we are delving into a poignant comment on our current cultural challenges. Preach it robot!).
Generosity is not only about giving material things, but also about giving our time, energy, and attention to others. It’s about being present and fully engaged with the people around us, and about being willing to put the needs of others before our own. (Nice little wrap up, a little bit primary schoolish for me)
So, let’s strive to be more generous in our daily lives. Small acts of kindness can make a big difference in the world, and can bring a sense of joy and purpose to our own lives. (Lands it with a call to action! Am I out of a job?).”
I tell you, if a robot gets it, surely we can all embrace a little more generosity in our lives.
Happiness Comes
“You need to give him some space.” I don’t know how many times I have said that to my kids over the last couple of years. They love our dog so much. Too much sometimes. They smother him with their affection and occasionally it will get too much for him and he will stand up and move away. He never gets upset with them, but in his patient, caring way, he communicates that he has had enough of their love and requires some space.
The kids don’t really understand and get upset about it, to which I reply, “Just wait. He will come back when he is ready, and when you have settled down a bit. But the more you chase him the more he will avoid you”.
It got me thinking about happiness and a quote from Viktor Frankl:
“Happiness cannot be pursued. It must ensue. One must have a reason to be happy”.
What I think he is saying is that happiness is not the goal of life. The pursuit of happiness is folly. If we pursue meaning, that will bring about happiness. Happiness will come after we find our meaning.
Meaning, for most of us, is usually based around the people in our life. Our families, friends, people we serve in our career, or in the community. If we can find it, then happy moments will appear, even if there are challenges and difficulties.
The more we chase after happiness, the more it will avoid us. Once we find our meaning, and have settled down a bit, happiness will come to us.
2023 Theme – With Intent
Usually ‘with intent’ has a negative connotation. For example, ‘with intent to distribute’…(or any of the below…)
It means that there is a purpose behind specific actions that someone takes, and that individual is aware that their actions will most likely cause a certain outcome, making them responsible for that outcome.
What it brings to mind for me is how my 6-year-old son behaves in a way that shows intent to annoy his 3 year old sister. I will often share my disappointment when he upsets her on purpose just to get her to react.
But it works both ways, because intent can be positive, and that is my hope for 2023. To be intentional with my actions – the more specific the better, in areas where my life isn’t going how I would like.
What makes intent positive or negative are the words that come after ‘with intent’. ‘With intent’, to what?
So, my theme for 2023 is to live ‘with intent’. Intent to:
- Be generous with specific amounts, organisations and people
- Learn specific things
- Improve specific parts of my finances
- Spend time doing specific things which strengthen my body and mind
- Spend time with specific people (and to find some more of these specific people)
(I do have these specific things, organisations and people articulated, in case you were wondering. This is just an overview.)
2023 is going to be my year of intent, to live knowing that my actions will most likely cause a certain outcome and that I am responsible for that outcome.
Where could you use some positive intent?
Two Generosity Tips for Christmas
I’ve been trying to get things tidy before Christmas comes, to get everything sorted before the end of the year.
Isn’t that often the experience that many of us have at this time of year, during the build up towards Christmas?
Too many things to do, not enough time.
So here are my two generosity tips to help you survive at this time of year:
Firstly, go easy on yourself, be generous to yourself.
“Perfect is the enemy of good”, we know that saying but I also think perfect is the enemy of joy.
Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect, the build-up doesn’t have to be perfect.
Find time to spend quality time with your friends and with your family and find time for joy. Perfect doesn’t necessarily always fit with Christmas.
Secondly, let people give you stuff. If they want to, let people give you presents.
We find joy when we give so maybe try not to avoid it, allow it to happen and let people express their generosity and gratitude towards you.
It’s a gift to them.
So go easy on yourself, be generous to yourself and let people give you presents, be generous to them at the same time.
And so from everyone at the Generosity Guy, which is me…
Merry Christmas!
What I missed out on from not being on Facebook in 2022…
On December 31 2021, I deactivated my Facebook account. I was struck by the fact that it wasn’t adding anything of value to my life. So I decided to quit it. Here’s what I missed out on from not being on Facebook this year…
- Not as many people contacted me on my birthday. (I probably missed your birthday too. Sorry about that).
- 20% less people viewed my blog.
That’s it.
What I gained:
- More time being present with family (still not great at that).
- More headspace to think creatively.
- A sense of moral superiority when I hear people talking about Facebook. (Not proud of that one).
- More time to work.
- A greater sense of peace and less angst.
- Zero pointless notifications.
- Less craziness and outrage.
- Zero conspiracy theories.
That’s a win.
Now, what to do with Instagram?
Top 5 Books from 2022
Of the books that I have read this year, here are my top 5 recommendations…(and then a list of some of the others in case you are curious.)
Personality Isn’t Permanent – Dr. Benjamin Hardy
I feel like I finally have an answer as to why I hate personality profiles based on a questionnaire. Besides the fact that all the information used for the profile is subjective (and provided by me about me – a topic that I really don’t fully understand) and the questions are way too simplistic, this book unpacks, from a psychological perspective, why personality types can be really harmful.
Your personality isn’t fixed. You are a number of different people throughout your life, unless you choose not to grow and allow yourself to be boxed in by your type/number/animal/acronym.
Read this book.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen R Covey
Okay, I get it. I’m 30 years late on this one. I thought it was going to be a positive thinking book about getting up early and winning the day – like I need to hear more of that, so I have avoided it. I was so wrong. A few pages in I discovered that Stephen Covey was decades ahead of his time as he warned against the dangers of attempting to positive think your way into success and how manipulating those around you to do what you want with special techniques is not effective nor success. Many of the things that I have learned over the last 5 years that have been life changing can be found in the pages of this book. Most authors that I have credited with genius ideas have Stephen Covey to thank for giving them the inspiration to write them.
I had heard some of the habits mentioned before and on face value, again incorrectly, thought they were pointless. Instead, they hold a real depth and he takes you through the process of discovering what your values truly are, living them out through an empowered thought life creating an intentional future and building others up around you. If you have never read this book, read it…now.
Humankind – A Hopeful History – Rutger Bregman
Surely Rutger is one of the most hopeful people on the planet. His perspective and real understanding of some of the historical events reshapes the way that I see people – we are more often than not, generous, supportive and caring for others. Kids on an island is a fiction and also not true. The real story didn’t catch people’s attention because people treating others nicely rarely does.
Tribe of Mentors – Tim Ferris
Tim emails famous people that are pretty amazing in their field of expertise, a list of questions or which they can choose to answer a few or all if they wish. This book is the accumulation of their answers. Wisdom from actors, sports stars, tech billionaires, artists, authors and a whole lot more. Some of them weren’t for me but there was plenty of other brilliance.
Fiction of the year
A Gentleman in Moscow – Amor Towles
A beautifully written story about an aristocrat in Russia through parts of the 20th century, being held under house/hotel arrest for being an aristocrat. Some would say it explores the themes of the inevitability of change and government and power. I say it is a touching story, with the tiniest hint of The Count of Monte Cristo.
Others:
Michael Connelly – Bosch Series (Because I have read all the Jack Reacher books)
- Black Echo
- The Black Ice
- Concrete Blonde
- The Last Coyote
- Trunk Music
The Fortune at the Bottom of the Pyramid – C.K. Prahalad
The Obstacle is the Way – Ryan Holiday (for the third time)
Deep Work – Cal Newport (for the second time)
Achievement Addiction – Justine Toh
The War of Art – Steven Pressfield
Phosphoresence – Julia Baird
How to give Christmas presents when you suck at giving Christmas presents
When you don’t have any idea what to give someone at Christmas it is terrifying, and when that person is your significant other and your relationship depends on how well you perform, then it is life or death.
Many of these are actual mistakes I have made in the past. As the Generosity Guy, it is my job to help you learn from my mistakes. I’m still not great, but I am getting better.
Here are some do’s and don’ts:
Don’t
- Don’t give cash, unless they want cash and say, “I only want cash”. Even then it could be a trap, so at least wrap the cash up in a pretty bow.
- Don’t spend all the money you have on their present. Christmas is important but so is paying rent the week after Christmas
- Don’t go into debt to pay for an outrageous gift. See the previous point about paying future rent.
- Don’t buy them a gym membership. Even if they say, “I would really like a gym membership”, this is also a trap and will come back to bite you.
- Don’t buy a dolphin picture. They are never received as well as you would think and just create tension.
- Don’t buy just one thing. If you are super uncertain about what to get someone, just buying one thing is a pretty big risk. Hedge your bets, buy a few smaller items which gives you more of a chance of getting something right. You can always return the things they don’t like and give them the cash from that (in a pretty bow).
- Don’t write them a song, unless you are a professional song writer. Even then I’m not sure how well it would go down. Most of the good ones have been written already anyway. Probably don’t sing them a song that someone else has written, that lacks originality.
- Don’t ask your ex what to give your current partner. That’s just messed up.
- Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Remember, it’s the thought that counts and the fact that you are trying your best is a great start.
Do
- Do ask the person you are buying for to give some ideas or suggestions. If you need to be subtle about finding out, ask “for a friend”, that always works (about 60% of the time).
- Do get clarity about gift expectations. There’s nothing like the anxiety on Christmas morning when you realise that the agreement not to buy each other a present was one that you made up in your head.
- Do ask their family members what they think (but beware of the family member who doesn’t like you and pretends to help but is secretly throwing you under the bus by suggesting that you buy them something that will bring back traumatic memories of a childhood experience, promptly ending your relationship).
- Do try and think of things that you have done together over the last year that they seemed to enjoy. Things like events you went to (sporting, or music, or other things that people do) and buy tickets to that again. You will soon find out whether they really enjoyed it when you went together or whether they were just pretending to make you feel better. Either way you get to go again so win-win.
- Do take them to their favourite store for a shopping spree to a set amount. Sure, it’s the same as cash or a gift voucher but it feels a bit more personal when you take them.
- Do buy them a book. People should read more.
- Do buy them music. People should listen to more music.
- Do buy them an Opportunity International Australia Gift of Opportunity – that is guaranteed to make them feel good, because, really, who needs more stuff?
Any other tips are warmly welcomed.
The Generosity Guy 