When you don’t have any idea what to give someone at Christmas it is terrifying, and when that person is your significant other and your relationship depends on how well you perform, then it is life or death.
Many of these are actual mistakes I have made in the past. As the Generosity Guy, it is my job to help you learn from my mistakes. I’m still not great, but I am getting better.
Here are some do’s and don’ts:
- Don’t give cash, unless they want cash and say, “I only want cash”. Even then it could be a trap, so at least wrap the cash up in a pretty bow.
- Don’t spend all the money you have on their present. Christmas is important but so is paying rent the week after Christmas
- Don’t go into debt to pay for an outrageous gift. See the previous point about paying future rent.
- Don’t buy them a gym membership. Even if they say, “I would really like a gym membership”, this is also a trap and will come back to bite you.
- Don’t buy a dolphin picture. They are never received as well as you would think and just create tension.
- Don’t buy just one thing. If you are super uncertain about what to get someone, just buying one thing is a pretty big risk. Hedge your bets, buy a few smaller items which gives you more of a chance of getting something right. You can always return the things they don’t like and give them the cash from that (in a pretty bow).
- Don’t write them a song, unless you are a professional song writer. Even then I’m not sure how well it would go down. Most of the good ones have been written already anyway. Probably don’t sing them a song that someone else has written, that lacks originality.
- Don’t ask your ex what to give your current partner. That’s just messed up.
- Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Remember, it’s the thought that counts and the fact that you are trying your best is a great start.
- Do ask the person you are buying for to give some ideas or suggestions. If you need to be subtle about finding out, ask “for a friend”, that always works (about 60% of the time).
- Do get clarity about gift expectations. There’s nothing like the anxiety on Christmas morning when you realise that the agreement not to buy each other a present was one that you made up in your head.
- Do ask their family members what they think (but beware of the family member who doesn’t like you and pretends to help but is secretly throwing you under the bus by suggesting that you buy them something that will bring back traumatic memories of a childhood experience, promptly ending your relationship).
- Do try and think of things that you have done together over the last year that they seemed to enjoy. Things like events you went to (sporting, or music, or other things that people do) and buy tickets to that again. You will soon find out whether they really enjoyed it when you went together or whether they were just pretending to make you feel better. Either way you get to go again so win-win.
- Do take them to their favourite store for a shopping spree to a set amount. Sure, it’s the same as cash or a gift voucher but it feels a bit more personal when you take them.
- Do buy them a book. People should read more.
- Do buy them music. People should listen to more music.
- Do buy them an Opportunity International Australia Gift of Opportunity – that is guaranteed to make them feel good, because, really, who needs more stuff?
Any other tips are warmly welcomed.
50 years ago there was no such thing as finding your purpose. You found a job, you worked at that job and you provided for your family. If you were lucky enough you would stay at the company your entire career until you retired.
Now, every second person is having an existential crisis, asking themselves the question, ‘Is this what I really want to be doing?’ (I’m allowed to say this, I have been one of these people.)
Lack of purpose is a first world problem. How lucky we are to have this issue. For millions, maybe billions, of people today, they don’t get to have that thought because their main priority is survival.
Still, I wish we could all have that existential crisis because it would allow us all to truly find something in life that truly connects us with our purpose. Although we are thinking about it all wrong. The questions I hear people asking are, ‘What do I want to do?’, or ‘What can I achieve?’, or ‘How do I find my particular thing?’.
What we really should be asking is ‘How can I help other people?’, or ‘Where can I serve today?’, or ‘What can I do that will bring the most value to others?’.
That will help you find your purpose, because your purpose is about other people.
Or, as Pablo Picasso puts it,
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.”
You are an extra in someone else’s movie
Sure, you are the main character in yours but for the majority of the world, you don’t even have a name or a plot line. Maybe you are ‘guy/girl who walks across the screen’, but that’s about it.
It’s important to keep that in mind because it can be so easy to get caught up in our own narrative and think that my story or experience is the only one that matters, and everyone else is playing a supporting role for my benefit. Which is a dangerous place to operate from because getting so wrapped up in ‘me’ and ‘my world’ pushes everyone else and their needs the periphery.
“Why should that matter?” I hear you ask…well, it’s simple. If everyone in the world was all about ‘want’ and ‘take’, we would consume everyone and everything in our paths. But people have value, and how we treat those around us creates the culture for the world we live in. Also, selfishness is not good for us. That goes for individuals, teams, companies, countries and the world.
What is good for us is generosity. Giving to other people, be that time, energy, love, money – whatever you have to offer, will benefit them but also you. Giving is good for you.
So, you are an extra in someone else’s movie. You are not the centre of the universe. It might sound depressing but the good news is that you can be the best extra in someone else’s movie today. Just by being kind, friendly and smiling at someone else, you can create an amazing scene which will impact how the rest of their story plays out.
It is perhaps the most challenging part of being an adult – realising that most good things in life come after action. Be that motivation, inspiration, momentum, direction, creative juices, freshly baked cookies…you name it.
On the flipside, there are very few desirable things that come from inaction.
It’s the same for the feeling of fulfilment and joy that come after a generous act. We know that the brain and the body respond in positive ways when we are generous to others. We like the feeling of our brain and body responding like that. But we don’t always do the thing that brings about that feeling.
It first requires action. It needs proactive behaviour that chooses to be generous first, then experience the good things follow.
To find the good things in life, you must act first. To find that good feeling and the positive outcomes of generosity, you first must be generous. The beauty is that it can start with your thoughts. You can even think generously about someone and start to receive some of the benefits. But don’t leave it there. It’s not a real act until you act it out.
Giving is better than receiving. It’s a cliché for a reason – it is so widely used because it is true. Which is amazing because I love receiving. How good is it to get a thoughtful gift? Receiving something new creates an amazing physiological response in our body, excitement, joy and happiness. It changes our mood.
Giving away a thoughtful gift also has an amazing physiological response in our body. It creates joy and a sense of fulfilment at the sight of someone we care about getting excited, feeling joy and being happy. The difference is that the feeling you get when you give something thoughtful to someone else, lasts longer than their feelings of excitement, joy and happiness at receiving the gift.
It’s feels counterintuitive but a new toy loses its shine super quick (be that an actual toy or a new iPhone), but the feeling of joy the giver has, lasts a lot longer. There is a great sense of fulfilment that comes when you realise that you are the type of person who is generous.
“I act generously” – is a great statement to say about yourself.
It’s sounds much better than “I love getting gifts from people”.
Giving is better than receiving.
“Did you know that you have impacted 44,000 people since you first started giving nearly 20 years ago?”
You could see the tears well up in their eyes as the enormity of their true impact started to sink in. They were a humble couple, faithfully giving what they could to the work of Opportunity International Australia. Some years they would give large amounts, other years smaller amounts, but they were always thinking about being generous with what they had been given. You would walk by them in the street and have no idea that these people had changed the lives of so many.
Through their giving, they had provided small loans to thousands of families across Asia so that they could start a business, create an income, put food on the table, send their kids to school and pay the loan back. Through the process of repayment and recycling their impact grew and grew – like an investment in the improvement of our world, it will continue.
Today, my job was to share with them the true depth of the difference they have made and to say “Thank you”. I love my job.
Famous basketball coach, John Wooden, said when we give away three of the things we want most, ‘happiness, freedom, and peace of mind’, that’s when we actually receive them. Which is the great, mystical law of generosity – it is by giving generously to others that we receive an abundance. Often we get more than we give.
So, instead of being fearful of running out and experiencing a lack, which stifles generosity, we can be assured that there is enough to go around, with leftovers. Enough happiness. Enough freedom. Enough peace of mind. Enough money. Enough food.
At this point, you might (rightfully so) have some questions. If there is enough of these things, plus leftovers, why do we currently experience a lack of some, maybe all, of them in the world today?
This lack exists because people hold on too tightly to what they have. Because generosity is missing, which creates people who are unhappy, trapped and anxious. Wealthy, but anxious.
So be generous. Give away happiness, freedom, and peace of mind to others. It will serve them and you.
How do you give happiness, freedom, and peace of mind away? That’s the question that only you can answer. (But it probably starts with giving some money).
There are times when my spirit feels crushed. There are times when I don’t seem to have the ability to cognitively think my way out of a downward emotional spiral. The feeling of betrayal and anger, bordering on hatred, can burn a deep hole in your being. In those moments I feel disorientated and lost, desperately searching for a sure footing and a strong sense of my identity. Can you still act generously out of anger? What if I always feel this way? What if this is my new normal?
The Dark Moments are terrifying. To not see a way out. To know that things will get better but to not feel that. To know what I ‘need’ to do, but not do it. These are the time when generosity is most important.
Generosity is not all light and fluffy. It is also the hard work that goes on behind the scenes, when you are feeling the emotional weight, when you are not sure if you can carry on, when the voices of detractors are loud and echoing around your head. It’s the work of choosing to act generously, even if it is only to yourself and say, ‘it’s okay to feel this way’, and then to seek help.
“Go on, sing”.
That was the encouragement from the three friendly faces that stared back at me as I sat there, tentatively playing some chords on my guitar. It had been a while since I had sung in front of people who were not my small children, who would normally end up sitting on my lap to ‘help’ me play, demanding Encanto, then the Wiggles and then falling asleep on me. I was pretty sure that wouldn’t happen in this setting, so I decided to obey.
I wouldn’t call it an extraordinary gift, but it was a vulnerable part of myself that I risked sharing with them that night and they ‘seemed’ to appreciate it – nobody walked out, and they said nice things afterwards. (I have trouble taking and believing complements – that’s a whole other thing).
It got me thinking about what we share with the people around us. Often, the things that seem the scariest to share with others are the very things that they appreciate. Having someone give something of themselves with you feels good. Be that a musical talent, some writing they are working on, or a creative thought they are mulling over. It says that they trust you, care about you and that you are valuable to them. And most times it has a positive impact on how you feel and your time together.
Even if I made that night a tiny bit better with what I shared, it was worth the risk.
You made a mistake. You got it wrong. You forgot to do a thing. You didn’t think about all the possible outcomes. You acted hastily. You didn’t ask all the right questions. You assumed something that was wrong.
However it happened, you blew it. Now what?
Making a mistake is inevitable. It was always going to happen because you are not perfect. But it’s what you do with that mistake makes all the difference.
You could beat yourself up about it. Rake yourself over the coals, call yourself awful names that you wouldn’t dare utter to another person. You could replay it over and over again in your head focusing on the exact point where the mistake happened and wishing you could just go back and undo it. You could to that, but honestly, what a waste of time. It has already happened and there is nothing you can do about that now.
What is better is to own it. Say, ‘I got that wrong. Good. A chance to learn’, apologise to the people that it has impacted, share with them what you have learned and how you are not going to make the same mistake next time. Then move on to the next thing.
And when you make your next mistake (which you will) you will be ready to get the most out of it.