Tag: Growth

Baby Steps

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Generosity is innate within us, of this I am sure. It’s what we choose to do with it that impacts how much of a role it plays in later life.

Studies of toddlers less than 18 months old show that they are likely to help out others to acquire out-of-reach objects and opening cupboards for them. Now this happens whether there is a reward or a commendation from adults around them. In fact, it turns out that external rewards undermined the tendency to help.

Here are the things this teaches us:

Young children are motivated intrinsically to help out, rather than by external rewards. They are motivated by the desire to see someone else helped rather than to be seen to provide help. And they are less likely to help when asked or encouraged to do so.

That general generosity is in every human. In you and me. You are intrinsically motivated to help people. You are motived more by the desire to see someone else helped than to provide the help and if someone tells you to be generous you are less inclined to do it.

(That last one put me in spot because that’s my whole thing…)

Young children are pro-social. You are pro-social. We lose it if we don’t practice.

See study info here and here

The Hidden Cost of Not Being Generous (and why it is foolish)

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“There’s such a strong association between wellbeing and altruism that it would be foolish not to live altruistically,” Steve Taylor, Senior Lecturer at Leeds Becket University

Being kind and generous to other people is so good for you, it’s silly if you don’t do it. That’s essentially what Steve Taylor is saying. There has been a long history of scientific and anecdotal studies that have backed this up for decades. There have also been religious and theological philosophies which have touted this for centuries and millennia. Why do we still struggle to do it? Why do I find it so hard to be kind and generous to people around me? Why do I get so caught up in my own head and self-centredness that I don’t see what I can do for others?

One of the greatest contradictions in life (I think so anyway) is that motivation to do something comes after you have first started to do the thing. You have to ‘do’ before you ‘feel’.

It’s the same with generosity. First comes the action, then comes the good feeling, followed by the motivation to do more good in the world, and then the good feeling again.

You are doing yourself a dis-service by being stingy. The good news is that this can shift with just the smallest of actions. Do something tiny for someone else. Notice how it makes you feel and dwell on it. This will fuel you to do more and dramatically improve your wellbeing.

Nobody Wins

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Pull the curtain back a little on anyone and you will see the truth. The show on the stage of their life may look amazing. It’s shiny, clean, tight and in sync. Boy, what a performance.

But behind the scenes it’s another story. What happens back of stage is vastly different from what is on show.

If something looks too good to be true, then it probably is. Like Father Richard Rohr said, “Nobody wins. We all pretend.”

Nobody has the perfect life. Nobody has the perfect family. Nobody has the perfect job. Nobody is happy all the time. We are all pretending.

This is great news because it allows you and me to be kind to ourselves when things are tough. When things aren’t perfect. When we fall short of our hopes. When we let ourselves down by not being who we wish we were. When we fail.

It also means that you don’t have to pretend. Be kind to yourself and embrace who you are right now, in this moment.

Also, what happens back of stage always seeps to the front of stage eventually. Our reality will overcome our pretend. So, we can stop (or at least slow down) the pretend and live more in the reality.

What you love…

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Complete this sentence with 3 or 4 things:

“I hate….”

Now try this one:

“I love…”

Which one is easier for you?

I have found that it can be easier to list all of the things that I hate, that I am against, that are evil in the world, because they are the things that stand out. We are wired to look for dangers, bad actors and things that can come to ruin us. This is helpful as it can keep us safe from said dangers, actors and things. The problem comes when we focus only on the things that we need to avoid or stand up against, because it can cripple our ability to care for, and celebrate with, others. It can stifle our ongoing journey into love. It can kill generosity.

I get it though, dislike takes less energy than like. It costs nothing to be against something…at the start. But being able to find the things that genuinely make your pulse quicken, that get you out of bed in the morning, that you find yourself spending time on and thinking about even though you are not paid to do so, will create so much more emotional, physical and psychological benefits than listing the things you hate.

If you focus on what you love, what you are for, it will bring so much more to you and those around you.

As James Clear says, “You are more than your frustrations. Build your identity around what you love.”

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…

You can’t handle it

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Not having enough creates a seriously damaging experience for people living in poverty.

Some people find a specific way to function and survive in it. It’s called the Scarcity Mindset – seeing things through a lens of lack and doing whatever you can just to survive. It can be helpful but if you spend too much time in that sort of environment, your brain will be wired for lack and poverty will kill you prematurely.

At the other end of the spectrum, having more than you can handle creates a seriously damaging experience, rewiring you brain for excess and it will kill you prematurely.

We don’t seem to have a safety mechanism for when we have too much. There isn’t a mindset that we can easily form to assist in survival. As Nassim Taleb suggests, “Abundance is harder for us to handle than scarcity.”

Most, if not all of us dream about being on one end of the spectrum. No one strives for poverty of course, but many strive for excess. Often those who strive for excess don’t realise that they already have it, such is the sinister nature of excess – it stops you from realising when you have enough.

One thing that can help is to have an Abundance Mindset which is not as easy to form as the Scarcity Mindset, because it takes intentional work (at least that is what I have found).

An Abundance Mindset comes from a belief that there is enough of everything for everyone, and it starts with gratitude for what you already have. Gratitude leads to generosity.

A Scarcity Mindset that creates an environment in which for me to win, everyone else has to lose, is toxic. An Abundance Mindset that comes from gratitude and encourages generosity is life giving. I know which one I’m aiming for.

Should I put up more of a fight?

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“Here you go.” Guy hands me free bread.

“Thanks, that’s really lovely”. I take it and walk out.

It was really thoughtful because I wanted to buy this bread the week before but they ran out. The guy who worked there remembered that and sought to make amends. He didn’t have to do that. I was not upset with him or his establishment, it’s just one of those things that happens. Sometimes other people buy stuff before you get there. That’s okay.

I was pretty excited about my free bread though.

As I was reflecting on it, I wondered if he knew how pleased I was? Was I thankful enough? Should I have pushed back so that he knew I understood it was a big deal? Kind of like:

Guy handing me free bread: “Here you go”

Me: “I couldn’t possible take it, let me pay.”

Guy with bread: “No, that’s fine. It’s my gift to you.”

Me: “Are you sure? I feel like I’m ripping you off.”

Guy with bread: “Of course it’s fine. This is my shop, I can do what I want and I what I want to do is to give you free bread.”

Me: “At least let me pay a little.”

Guy with bread: “Just take the damn bread!”

Okay, that was maybe a little over the top, but you get my drift. What is the right amount of hesitation before taking a gift?

Honestly, I don’t think it really matters. Maybe a little hesitation and push back is good, but we need to make sure we don’t stand in the way of someone else getting the joy of being generous to us.

How’s your finish?

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“It doesn’t matter how you start, it’s how you finish that’s important”. Common idiom.

How early does the day get ruined for you? When lunch isn’t what you’d hoped for? When your mid-morning coffee is bad? Before you get out of bed?

It’s easy to chuck in the towel on a day when something doesn’t go right. But that doesn’t mean that day can’t be revitalised or another attempt isn’t worth it.

My most effective work time, I have discovered, is between 3pm and 5pm. Maybe it’s my specific rhythm, or maybe it’s my innate desire to not leave the office too late, but I find myself working through large amounts of tasks during that time every day.

What that means is that I don’t ‘win the morning’, or wake up and hustle before the rest of the world.

It has taught me is that even if I don’t start the day like a bull at a gate, I can still finish strongly, getting through a lot of work in the final stretch before the day is done.

My best days are when I do both – start strong and finish strong, but I can take any day which hasn’t started well and make it a good one. It’s the same for a week, or a month, or a year, or a decade, or a lifetime. It’s a very helpful principal.

It doesn’t matter how you have started 2025, it’s how you finish that’s important.

C’mon Kieran

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I say it audibly multiple times a day.

When I get distracted from something important. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I forget a word that I am trying to think of. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I remember something stupid I did or said 20 years ago. “C’mon Kieran”.

It’s not a nice, encouraging “C’mon Kieran” either. It’s more of a scold, to small child, sometimes followed up with a “Get it together mate” and a disapproving shake of my head.

On my best days I slip in a “You can do this”.

Thank goodness I work in an office by myself.

I can’t be the only one whose most unfriendly, judgemental voice, is their own.

It’s a hard habit to break because it requires rewiring years of behaviour that is so ingrained that I don’t realise it’s happening until I hear myself say the words out loud.

As frustrating as that part is, the most devastating part shows up when I hear that same voice coming from me, speaking to my kids because that is absolutely not how I want to communicate to them.

I want to be encouraging and uplifting with quality boundaries so they can thrive in life. But instead, I just hear “Get it together mate” aimed at little people who don’t deserve that, which makes me feel guilty and the next thing I hear from me is “C’mon Kieran, get it together mate”, followed by a disapproving shake of my head. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve always said that self-generosity is hard. It’s a complicated part of the generosity family which, like any part, takes intentional effort. It may be that it is also one of the most important parts of, not only generosity, but also being a person. To be able to give yourself grace for the times you get distracted, or forget a word, or for when you did or said something stupid in the past, will make you a more generous person to those around you.

The key is intentionality. Even after the fact. Recognising that you were doing the best you could with what you had at that time, that it wasn’t perfect, and that you can grow and get better.

For me, I am aiming for more days when my “C’mon Kieran” sounds a little more encouraging in tone and has “you’ve got this” added to the end.

You don’t know what you want

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If you had no financial restrictions and could have anything you wanted in the world, what would you do?

Buy a massive house, maybe a mansion? Cars. Cars for sure. Expensive ones, fast ones, colourful ones, ones that make other people look. Clothes as well. The nicest suits, or dresses, or whatever people wear.

How great would that be, living the dream?

But would it be great?

If you have ever moved from a small home into a larger home, you will know that, whilst it is probably nice to have more space, sometimes you will miss the smaller, more intimate life you left behind.

There are always unintended consequences for the decisions we make.

I have talked about lottery winners before, and Adrian Bayford is another example. After winning almost £150m in 2012 he bought a seven-bedroom luxury mansion with his wife. Now, with his new fiancé, he is moving back to live with his mum in the 4-bedroom house he bought for her. He longs for the simple life, how things were before he was mega rich.

We think we want more and bigger. But what we really want is family and love. You can’t buy those things. When faced with unlimited options, we don’t know what we want, but I can guarantee you that money doesn’t change you, it only makes you more of what you already are.

Or as Notorious B.I.G put it, “Mo money mo problems”.