The Dangers of Honesty

There is an old saying,

“Do not cast your pearls before swine.”

For the longest time I didn’t understand it, as I tried to imagine what pigs would do with a bunch of pearls. Until one day I opened up to someone about an emotional challenge that I had, and they threw it back in my face.

It was in that moment that I realised I had given someone one of the most precious things that I had, part of myself, and they treated it like scraps. They stomped all over it and eventually consumed it, spat it back out and then consumed it again (that’s what it felt like anyway). As I witnessed this take place, horrified, I realised that this person mistreated my treasure, not because they wanted to but because they couldn’t treat it any other way. They simply didn’t know how to. Just like pigs would treat pearls.

I quickly learned who I could trust with that which was most precious to me, and who I couldn’t.

Honesty and transparency can be gifts of great worth that we give to other people, but not everyone will treat them with the respect and care that they require. So we need to be cautious with who we give these gifts to, or be confident enough in ourselves and our own worth, that it won’t matter how people respond to being presented with this treasure.

Generosity is risky. It is dangerous. But the depth of relationship and intimacy that can be created through honesty and transparency are worth taking the risks and facing the dangers.

Rules of Engagement

It is easy to call someone names. It is simple to see one thing that a person does and create a story about who they are – judge them on their behaviours. It is much harder to get to know the person, understand their journey to this point, and even empathise with them as to why they sometimes behave the way they do. But isn’t that what we all want? We can be so quick to judge people around us but expect everyone to see us for who we really are, as complex human beings, rather than as the sum of some of the stupid things we do.

There are grave dangers around what we can do to each other when we are not connected, we don’t know each other and the stories that make up our identity, and we don’t understand the intrinsic value that each person carries within them. This is no more evident than with what we see online and how we behave and treat others when there is no face to face communication.

So, I have been thinking about how I engage with people and topics, especially online. Perhaps you may find this valuable.

Rules of engagement:

  • If someone has not travelled with you through your journey of crap and disfunction, if they haven’t sat with you when you are at your worst, celebrated with you when you are at your best and dreamed with you during the times in between, they have no right to offer their opinion on what you should do. People will still offer their opinions, but you only get to listen to the ones that come from the people who have earned it.
  • Keep your political and social opinion to yourself. The only time you should share your opinion is if it is not set in concrete and can be shaped by what other people think and feel. This is called a discussion. It is a wonderful place were people are free to disagree with each other, challenge thinking and behaviour and are encouraged to own it when they think they have been wrong about something. It is a place where a person’s ideals and opinions are separated from their value as a human being – meaning that a person can say something, do something or think something that some might consider not nice or unhelpful, but they are not considered bad or evil. They are, like all of us, on a journey of growth and improvement. Because, let’s face it, in a few minutes it is likely we will be saying something, doing something or thinking something not nice or unhelpful.
  • If you do not like something on television for whatever reason, don’t watch it, don’t talk about it, don’t post on social media about it. Don’t give it air to exist. Instead focus on creating the type of content that you want to see. Act out of positivity and creativity rather than out of negativity.
  • Most of all, seek to connect and engage with other people and their story. Everything that everyone does makes sense to them. If you don’t understand them yet, ask more questions.