Tag: Gratitude

What can you do?

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So many things are outside of our control. The world is a big place and things happen quickly. What can one person do to stem the tide of poverty, or racism, or sexism, or any other -ism you can think of?

Why bother, right?

If Frozen 2 has taught us anything, (aside from the fact that sequels can be better than the original and water has memory) it’s that sometimes all we can do is ‘the next right thing’. Sure, it’s an animated kids movie, but this is a healthy philosophy that I would love my kids to encapsulate as they grow up in this world. Heck, I would be proud to be able to say that this is how I live my life.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and overwhelming odds, (be they wind, fire, water or earth spirits…look, just watch the movie), you can still do something. The next thing. The next right thing. Over time, the amount of ‘right things’ you do adds up and begins to make a huge difference.

The challenge in these moments is to figure out what the next right thing is. Let me help you with this – I can guarantee that it has something to do with generosity.

Nobody has any idea…

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If event A happens right before event B, does that mean that A caused B? It’s hard to say that it doesn’t.

That’s why so many professional athletes have ‘lucky’ items of clothing that they wear – they played a great game once and decided that it was partly because they were wearing a specific pair of underwear. Now it makes up part of their pre-game ritual, even though it stinks and has holes in it.

This philosophy has birthed thousands of ‘experts’ who can share the ‘secrets of their success’, and if it has worked for them, you can do it too and it will work for you, guaranteed*. But somehow their secrets seem to fall short for most people.

At best, the greatest advice anyone can give you is, “Here’s what I have done that has worked for me…so far.”

But luck, timing, and other things outside of our control make up about 90% of all success.

Where you were born, your access to education, meeting the right person at the right time, being the in the right place and the right time, none of these things have anything to do with your ability.

Sometimes success comes in spite of what we did and who we are, and looking back we are not sure how it happened because we did everything ‘wrong’.

I’ve often heard it said, ‘no one has any idea what they are doing, they are just making it up as the go along.’

If that is true, it’s an uncomfortable reality because surely someone knows what is going on and how to do this life thing, someone must be in charge of it all? Maybe not.

Does this mean there is nothing we can learn outside of our own experience? Of course not, but it is important to have the perspective that nothing is guaranteed, and what we think is the ‘silver bullet’ may not be.

It is possible that right now, the thing that you are most sure about in life is based on an incorrect assumption. Whilst that seems unlikely, what is more likely is that the thing you are most sure about in life is based on a partial truth.

So, what do we do with this, seemingly, pessimistic perspective?

I always bring it back to the knowledge that some things are always good for us. Sleep. Eating well. Family/relationships. Generosity. Spiritual endeavours. If we do those things we know that if everything else if life falls over because of something outside of your control, you will still have everything you need.

*not a guarantee

Not Afraid

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When we are laughing we are not afraid – Stephen Colbert

I fear a lot of things. Family members getting sick, failure, rejection, bad coffee.

We know that fear can cripple us, and keep us from moving forward. The fight, flight, freeze response comes to mind.

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened”.

Stoic Philosopher, Seneca said, “Perhaps the worst will happen, perhaps not, until then, look forward to better things“.

What are we afraid of?

What comes to mind, the worst thing that could happen, is death. One day I will die, and so will you. It is unavoidable, yet, I know I do all that I can to avoid it. Keep healthy, eat well, see the doctor, find ways to relax. But even after all that it is not going to work.

What I fear will come to pass. It will happen someday. Hopefully not someday soon, but it comes for us all.

My grandmother used to tell me, “Kieran, whatever you do, don’t get old” to which I would respond, “Okay grandma, I’ll give it a try but I’m not sure how successful I will be”. Then she would chuckle.

That’s what I remember about her, her sense of humour. And I think it made those times, as she was getting older, easier to handle. Because as you laugh at things, it takes the heaviness and perceived seriousness out of life.

It can be easy to create a serious persona, and get caught up thinking that everything in our life is so important, and so many decisions are life or death. But, if we allow laughter in, even decisions that are legitimately life or death, don’t feel as if they are life or death, more like life and death.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift…

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One way to give someone else a gift, is to let them give a gift to you.

Don’t let that be the only way that you give other people a gift, because that would mean you are a taker, possibly a bit of a jerk, but accepting a gift well is an underrated skill.

How do you respond when someone gives you a gift?

“You shouldn’t have”

“You spent too much”

“That wasn’t necessary”

“But I didn’t get you anything”

Here’s a reminder: You are allowed to be on the receiving end of an act of generosity. It’s okay if someone gives you something nice. Some people are wired to express their love and gratitude more through giving gifts.

If you refuse it, you are getting in the way of someone else having the joy of giving. If you don’t receive it well then it can tarnish the whole experience for everyone.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift is “thank you”.

If you must, you can add “you are very kind”, or “I love it”. That’s it.

By just accepting it graciously, you are ensuring that generosity is going both ways.

I must add that the above does not apply if someone is trying to manipulate or coerce you through giving gifts. That’s downright shady behaviour and you have every right to refuse that. Forcefully if necessary.

A gift for you

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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. – James Clear

I have been hurt. So have you. Somewhere along the line we have all been on the receiving end of behaviour that is rude, thoughtless, violent, offensive, toxic, troublesome – you name it. And it can cut deep. It causes pain which doesn’t just disappear.

The importance of forgiveness…

But carrying hurt around, staying angry, storing the pain in a section of our mind so we can revisit it time and time again, only perpetuates the hurt. It keeps the wound from healing. The strange part about that is it has no effect on the person who hurt us in the slightest.

How to forgive…

Now I don’t pretend to be the expert of how to forgive someone, I know it has something to do with letting go of the anger and working to get to a place where we are not reliving the experience, eventually even wishing the person well in their life. There’s no three step process for this unfortunately, you can do your own research on what may work best for you, but I can tell you that once you get to the point where you can forgive, it is an amazing gift for yourself. You will feel lighter, happier, healthier and be able to live your life without the constant threat of being thrust into pain and anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them do it again…

Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you automatically invite them back into your life where they can do the same thing again. Forgiveness doesn’t go hand in hand with trust. I can forgive you for crashing my car, but that doesn’t mean you still get to drive my car. The damage can be fixed, but it is costly and not one that I am willing to pay twice.

So, I can forgive someone for hurting me, giving myself a gift, making my way through life lighter, happier and healthier, whilst having solid boundaries in place to protect me from future hurt.

Good Things

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I think we all have an innate sense to hold on to what we have. Loss Aversion is a strong cognitive bias which suggests the pain of losing something is twice as bad as the pleasure of gaining something. So, we hold on.

As you could imagine, this bias makes it very difficult to be generous. Giving something away is at odds with Loss Aversion. It goes against everything that we feel is right.

The result of this, if left unchecked, is that we can become stuck in a place where we don’t want to give anything up, which could be holding us back from taking the next step, from growing. Specifically, when it comes to money, loss aversion can create stinginess, keeping us in a small, dark place where the accumulation of money is the only focus.

To overcome the obstacle of Loss Aversion, it is best to give some money away. When you do that two things happen:

  1. Something shifts within you.

The psychological impact of giving money away allows you to see the world differently. What you thought would be a loss, turns out to be something different. Not only does it feel good to do good, but giving money away shows you that you don’t need as much as you think and it lessens the burden of seeking to accumulate.

2. Something shifts in the world.

Both in the way you see the world and the actual world. All of a sudden, the world appears to you as a place that is redeemable. A place that you can make a difference to and one that is filled with good people trying to do good things.

The world will also be a better place because you have put some money in the hands of those good people trying to do good things.

Overcome loss aversion. Give some money away and see the difference it makes to you and the world.

People Aren’t Dumb

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“People aren’t dumb. The world is hard.” Richard Thaler

Managing your finances is hard. Planning for retirement is hard. Holding down a job is hard. Balancing priorities between family and work is hard.

It’s easy to think that people who struggle in one or more areas of life are dumb, but there is so much assumed knowledge as you become an adult. If someone doesn’t take you aside and teach you about everyday things like Medicare, private health insurance, car insurance, the importance of superannuation, then it’s possible you may never know how to manage them.

Add to that, sometimes, just getting through the day is a challenge, let alone trying to keep it all together, feeding all the people in the house, paying all the bills and planning ahead. It takes a lot to be a person.

What if we thought the best of each other. What if we put judgement aside and gave the people in our lives some slack. They aren’t dumb, they aren’t awful, the world is hard and they are just different from us.

It’s that sort of generous outlook as we think about other people that gives us the space to accept people for who they are, and where they are right now. We all want everyone to try and get better as a person (I know I want that for me and those around me), but some people wont change. Who they are today is who they will be. That’s okay.

We all manage the tension of loving people for who they are and at the same time hoping for something more for them. But the world is hard. Let’s love people (and ourselves) in this moment and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

Lagging

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“All success is a lagging indicator” – Ryan Holiday

All good things come after the work.

If something good comes that you didn’t work for you usually waste it because you don’t fully understand how valuable it is.

So, the hard work that you are putting in right now, the discipline that no one else is seeing, the incremental progress which is almost invisible to anyone but you, that is the foundation of future success.

No one has ever won a gold medal without working for it over a long period of time. The medal is a lagging indication of how hard they have worked.

Success is a combination of that hard work, along with planning, reassessing, consistency and a whole lot of luck.

The cold hard reality is that success is never guaranteed, so you may as well find a way to enjoy the hard work that you are doing, because this could be the only reward you get from it.

Probably the most important part of this is to map out what success is for you. What are you aiming for? Is that really success? Start with that, and then do the other things. It will save you from faux success in the future, which is actually failure.

Generous Identity

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Each person, no matter who they are or what they have done, has intrinsic value, the value and beauty of life. There is something magical about it. We struggle to find the words to truly express just how amazing life is. If you are living and breathing, you are so valuable. You are a miracle.

From that foundation of value comes gratitude. As we experience this amazing life, as we get to take the next breath, as we enjoy life with other people around us, it is natural to be grateful for what we have been given. And it is absolutely something we have been given – we didn’t create ourselves, we didn’t produce the life force that flows through our bodies, we are just experiencing and benefiting from it.

This gratitude then, is the birthplace of generosity. Because we have been given so much, therefore it makes sense to give to others.

Generosity is at its strongest when it comes from a place of valuing yourself.

I have value as a person, I bring value just by existing, and out of that I can be generous to others. My value doesn’t come from what I give, but from who I am. I am confident in who I am and out of that confidence I give.

Stinginess, on the other hand, is weakness. Stinginess is the easy way out. It requires no effort, no forethought and no creativity. It is also toxic to everything it touches.

Choose gratitude and generosity.

Put off until tomorrow…

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“What if this is as good as it gets?” Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson, As Good as it Gets)

Well, it is if you want it to be. Because there is always more to learn, something else to try, another place to visit, a different version to read.

If this is where you want your life to stop and stay, then don’t do anything new. This will be your peak.

Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you will be able to maintain the status quo for long, because things change. Sometimes things change slowly, sometimes they change quickly.

When asked how he went bankrupt, Mike, a character from Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”, said that it happened “Gradually and then suddenly.” Often that’s how things go, change happens slowly, almost unnoticeably slow, then it happens all of a sudden and at that point there is nothing you can do about it, except for hold on for the ride.

Regardless, change comes to us all.

If you put off until tomorrow the work of becoming the kind of person you want to be, who you are today is the person you will be. And then I can guarantee that this is as good as it gets for you.