Tag: generosity

Not Afraid

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When we are laughing we are not afraid – Stephen Colbert

I fear a lot of things. Family members getting sick, failure, rejection, bad coffee.

We know that fear can cripple us, and keep us from moving forward. The fight, flight, freeze response comes to mind.

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened”.

Stoic Philosopher, Seneca said, “Perhaps the worst will happen, perhaps not, until then, look forward to better things“.

What are we afraid of?

What comes to mind, the worst thing that could happen, is death. One day I will die, and so will you. It is unavoidable, yet, I know I do all that I can to avoid it. Keep healthy, eat well, see the doctor, find ways to relax. But even after all that it is not going to work.

What I fear will come to pass. It will happen someday. Hopefully not someday soon, but it comes for us all.

My grandmother used to tell me, “Kieran, whatever you do, don’t get old” to which I would respond, “Okay grandma, I’ll give it a try but I’m not sure how successful I will be”. Then she would chuckle.

That’s what I remember about her, her sense of humour. And I think it made those times, as she was getting older, easier to handle. Because as you laugh at things, it takes the heaviness and perceived seriousness out of life.

It can be easy to create a serious persona, and get caught up thinking that everything in our life is so important, and so many decisions are life or death. But, if we allow laughter in, even decisions that are legitimately life or death, don’t feel as if they are life or death, more like life and death.

How do I know if it’s generosity? (Or manipulation…)

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Sometimes what may look great on the surface, or upon initial consideration, turns out to be a little less than we expected. I have met people who appear to be amazing, accomplished, friendly and incredibly successful at first glance, but as I spent time with them, I began to realise that they were not quite what they promoted. In fact, they have played fast and easy with the truth.

Generosity can be just like that. Someone may give you attention, gifts and surprises which are delightful. Over time though, something doesn’t appear right, and you may feel pressured into thinking, or acting or responding in a certain way because “you owe them”.

So, how do you know when someone is genuinely being generous?

In other words, how do I know if someone cares about me or just cares about themselves?

Here a few things to look out for:

If it comes with strings

If you are given a gift of any sort, but it requires something of you in return, that is not generosity. It is a transaction. Which might be okay if everyone in the transaction is fine with it, but don’t confuse it with someone be generous to you. If you are unsure, try saying no to the request that is made (either a verbal request or an unsaid expectation) and see what the response is. If they get upset because you are not giving them what they are owed, then that’s your answer.

If it keeps you in a place of vulnerability

Some gifts seem very generous, and may even be given in good faith, but the consequences of the gift keep the receiver in a place of vulnerability. The Nestle scandal in the 1970’s comes to mind – there was outrage when it came to light that they had provided free formula to new mother’s in hospital in developing countries, which seems incredibly generous. But after the mother’s left hospital they needed to purchase it. Of course, by this time the mother’s breast milk production had been interrupted due to the formula use and they had no other option but to find the money to pay for the formula. A ‘gift’ that seems generous but kept people in a place of vulnerability instead of empowering them.

If it hurts you

Sometimes receiving a gift can cause you damage. For example, if someone gave you one billion dollars.

“How could that hurt me?” you ask.

Large amounts of money can create a huge burden, damaging relationships and families, and build significant costs and taxes to manage.

“I’ll take my chances” you say, well it didn’t work out so well for these guys. A gift for someone who is not ready for it can create huge problems.

Most of the time when you receive a gift, it is lovely but there are times when it turns out not to be generosity at all. Generally, anytime a gift is given that creates a power imbalance, it’s most likely not a generous act.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift…

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One way to give someone else a gift, is to let them give a gift to you.

Don’t let that be the only way that you give other people a gift, because that would mean you are a taker, possibly a bit of a jerk, but accepting a gift well is an underrated skill.

How do you respond when someone gives you a gift?

“You shouldn’t have”

“You spent too much”

“That wasn’t necessary”

“But I didn’t get you anything”

Here’s a reminder: You are allowed to be on the receiving end of an act of generosity. It’s okay if someone gives you something nice. Some people are wired to express their love and gratitude more through giving gifts.

If you refuse it, you are getting in the way of someone else having the joy of giving. If you don’t receive it well then it can tarnish the whole experience for everyone.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift is “thank you”.

If you must, you can add “you are very kind”, or “I love it”. That’s it.

By just accepting it graciously, you are ensuring that generosity is going both ways.

I must add that the above does not apply if someone is trying to manipulate or coerce you through giving gifts. That’s downright shady behaviour and you have every right to refuse that. Forcefully if necessary.

Noble Causes

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“What is the use of living, if it be not to strive for noble causes and to make this muddled world a better place for those who will live in it after we are gone?” – Winston Churchill

I agree with Winston. What else is there to do?

That leaves just two questions:

What are noble causes?

What is worth spending time, money and effort to achieve? What are the things that you are willing to sacrifice for? To be able to put other things on hold for. What is it in our world that is worth prioritising and saying ‘no’ to other things because of it. Once you have an idea of that, then I think you have a noble cause on your hands.

What is the striving?

What is required of us to achieve the goal of fulfilling these noble causes? If the cause is truly noble, then any amount of effort is justified. How we do the striving is more complex. The way that we behave is just as important as the outcomes we achieve.

How are we doing the work?

I believe the noble causes begin with other people. Anything that helps people, without damaging other people in the process, is a noble cause.

How we strive is just as important as the noble causes we strive for.

A gift for you

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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. – James Clear

I have been hurt. So have you. Somewhere along the line we have all been on the receiving end of behaviour that is rude, thoughtless, violent, offensive, toxic, troublesome – you name it. And it can cut deep. It causes pain which doesn’t just disappear.

The importance of forgiveness…

But carrying hurt around, staying angry, storing the pain in a section of our mind so we can revisit it time and time again, only perpetuates the hurt. It keeps the wound from healing. The strange part about that is it has no effect on the person who hurt us in the slightest.

How to forgive…

Now I don’t pretend to be the expert of how to forgive someone, I know it has something to do with letting go of the anger and working to get to a place where we are not reliving the experience, eventually even wishing the person well in their life. There’s no three step process for this unfortunately, you can do your own research on what may work best for you, but I can tell you that once you get to the point where you can forgive, it is an amazing gift for yourself. You will feel lighter, happier, healthier and be able to live your life without the constant threat of being thrust into pain and anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them do it again…

Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you automatically invite them back into your life where they can do the same thing again. Forgiveness doesn’t go hand in hand with trust. I can forgive you for crashing my car, but that doesn’t mean you still get to drive my car. The damage can be fixed, but it is costly and not one that I am willing to pay twice.

So, I can forgive someone for hurting me, giving myself a gift, making my way through life lighter, happier and healthier, whilst having solid boundaries in place to protect me from future hurt.

Good Things

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I think we all have an innate sense to hold on to what we have. Loss Aversion is a strong cognitive bias which suggests the pain of losing something is twice as bad as the pleasure of gaining something. So, we hold on.

As you could imagine, this bias makes it very difficult to be generous. Giving something away is at odds with Loss Aversion. It goes against everything that we feel is right.

The result of this, if left unchecked, is that we can become stuck in a place where we don’t want to give anything up, which could be holding us back from taking the next step, from growing. Specifically, when it comes to money, loss aversion can create stinginess, keeping us in a small, dark place where the accumulation of money is the only focus.

To overcome the obstacle of Loss Aversion, it is best to give some money away. When you do that two things happen:

  1. Something shifts within you.

The psychological impact of giving money away allows you to see the world differently. What you thought would be a loss, turns out to be something different. Not only does it feel good to do good, but giving money away shows you that you don’t need as much as you think and it lessens the burden of seeking to accumulate.

2. Something shifts in the world.

Both in the way you see the world and the actual world. All of a sudden, the world appears to you as a place that is redeemable. A place that you can make a difference to and one that is filled with good people trying to do good things.

The world will also be a better place because you have put some money in the hands of those good people trying to do good things.

Overcome loss aversion. Give some money away and see the difference it makes to you and the world.

People Aren’t Dumb

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“People aren’t dumb. The world is hard.” Richard Thaler

Managing your finances is hard. Planning for retirement is hard. Holding down a job is hard. Balancing priorities between family and work is hard.

It’s easy to think that people who struggle in one or more areas of life are dumb, but there is so much assumed knowledge as you become an adult. If someone doesn’t take you aside and teach you about everyday things like Medicare, private health insurance, car insurance, the importance of superannuation, then it’s possible you may never know how to manage them.

Add to that, sometimes, just getting through the day is a challenge, let alone trying to keep it all together, feeding all the people in the house, paying all the bills and planning ahead. It takes a lot to be a person.

What if we thought the best of each other. What if we put judgement aside and gave the people in our lives some slack. They aren’t dumb, they aren’t awful, the world is hard and they are just different from us.

It’s that sort of generous outlook as we think about other people that gives us the space to accept people for who they are, and where they are right now. We all want everyone to try and get better as a person (I know I want that for me and those around me), but some people wont change. Who they are today is who they will be. That’s okay.

We all manage the tension of loving people for who they are and at the same time hoping for something more for them. But the world is hard. Let’s love people (and ourselves) in this moment and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

Lagging

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“All success is a lagging indicator” – Ryan Holiday

All good things come after the work.

If something good comes that you didn’t work for you usually waste it because you don’t fully understand how valuable it is.

So, the hard work that you are putting in right now, the discipline that no one else is seeing, the incremental progress which is almost invisible to anyone but you, that is the foundation of future success.

No one has ever won a gold medal without working for it over a long period of time. The medal is a lagging indication of how hard they have worked.

Success is a combination of that hard work, along with planning, reassessing, consistency and a whole lot of luck.

The cold hard reality is that success is never guaranteed, so you may as well find a way to enjoy the hard work that you are doing, because this could be the only reward you get from it.

Probably the most important part of this is to map out what success is for you. What are you aiming for? Is that really success? Start with that, and then do the other things. It will save you from faux success in the future, which is actually failure.

Generous Identity

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Each person, no matter who they are or what they have done, has intrinsic value, the value and beauty of life. There is something magical about it. We struggle to find the words to truly express just how amazing life is. If you are living and breathing, you are so valuable. You are a miracle.

From that foundation of value comes gratitude. As we experience this amazing life, as we get to take the next breath, as we enjoy life with other people around us, it is natural to be grateful for what we have been given. And it is absolutely something we have been given – we didn’t create ourselves, we didn’t produce the life force that flows through our bodies, we are just experiencing and benefiting from it.

This gratitude then, is the birthplace of generosity. Because we have been given so much, therefore it makes sense to give to others.

Generosity is at its strongest when it comes from a place of valuing yourself.

I have value as a person, I bring value just by existing, and out of that I can be generous to others. My value doesn’t come from what I give, but from who I am. I am confident in who I am and out of that confidence I give.

Stinginess, on the other hand, is weakness. Stinginess is the easy way out. It requires no effort, no forethought and no creativity. It is also toxic to everything it touches.

Choose gratitude and generosity.

Put off until tomorrow…

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“What if this is as good as it gets?” Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson, As Good as it Gets)

Well, it is if you want it to be. Because there is always more to learn, something else to try, another place to visit, a different version to read.

If this is where you want your life to stop and stay, then don’t do anything new. This will be your peak.

Unfortunately, it is unlikely that you will be able to maintain the status quo for long, because things change. Sometimes things change slowly, sometimes they change quickly.

When asked how he went bankrupt, Mike, a character from Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises”, said that it happened “Gradually and then suddenly.” Often that’s how things go, change happens slowly, almost unnoticeably slow, then it happens all of a sudden and at that point there is nothing you can do about it, except for hold on for the ride.

Regardless, change comes to us all.

If you put off until tomorrow the work of becoming the kind of person you want to be, who you are today is the person you will be. And then I can guarantee that this is as good as it gets for you.