Tag: Giving

Talking vs. Doing

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I was never a strong trash talker. When playing any sort of sport, I was not able to get in to the head of my opponent by using words. Not if I wanted to play well anyway. I discovered early on that I could either play the game well, or try to put the opposition off, but not both.

I realised that I enjoyed playing the game to best of my ability, so that meant I was pretty quiet on the court/field.

There were a few people who seemed to be able to do it, to play well and get into the head of the other team, but they were the minority.

Then I came across this quote from Ryan Holiday:

“Talking and doing fight for the same resources”

And it made me feel better, although it’s probably not about sport but more important parts of life.

Anyone can talk about a thing. It takes some skill to notice a problem or issue and bring it up, but that isn’t solving anything if that’s where it stops.

It is easy to talk and tough to do.

So that leaves me with the question, am I mostly talking or am I doing? Am I talking a generous game or am I living the generous life?

What can you do?

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

So many things are outside of our control. The world is a big place and things happen quickly. What can one person do to stem the tide of poverty, or racism, or sexism, or any other -ism you can think of?

Why bother, right?

If Frozen 2 has taught us anything, (aside from the fact that sequels can be better than the original and water has memory) it’s that sometimes all we can do is ‘the next right thing’. Sure, it’s an animated kids movie, but this is a healthy philosophy that I would love my kids to encapsulate as they grow up in this world. Heck, I would be proud to be able to say that this is how I live my life.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and overwhelming odds, (be they wind, fire, water or earth spirits…look, just watch the movie), you can still do something. The next thing. The next right thing. Over time, the amount of ‘right things’ you do adds up and begins to make a huge difference.

The challenge in these moments is to figure out what the next right thing is. Let me help you with this – I can guarantee that it has something to do with generosity.

Nobody has any idea…

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

If event A happens right before event B, does that mean that A caused B? It’s hard to say that it doesn’t.

That’s why so many professional athletes have ‘lucky’ items of clothing that they wear – they played a great game once and decided that it was partly because they were wearing a specific pair of underwear. Now it makes up part of their pre-game ritual, even though it stinks and has holes in it.

This philosophy has birthed thousands of ‘experts’ who can share the ‘secrets of their success’, and if it has worked for them, you can do it too and it will work for you, guaranteed*. But somehow their secrets seem to fall short for most people.

At best, the greatest advice anyone can give you is, “Here’s what I have done that has worked for me…so far.”

But luck, timing, and other things outside of our control make up about 90% of all success.

Where you were born, your access to education, meeting the right person at the right time, being the in the right place and the right time, none of these things have anything to do with your ability.

Sometimes success comes in spite of what we did and who we are, and looking back we are not sure how it happened because we did everything ‘wrong’.

I’ve often heard it said, ‘no one has any idea what they are doing, they are just making it up as the go along.’

If that is true, it’s an uncomfortable reality because surely someone knows what is going on and how to do this life thing, someone must be in charge of it all? Maybe not.

Does this mean there is nothing we can learn outside of our own experience? Of course not, but it is important to have the perspective that nothing is guaranteed, and what we think is the ‘silver bullet’ may not be.

It is possible that right now, the thing that you are most sure about in life is based on an incorrect assumption. Whilst that seems unlikely, what is more likely is that the thing you are most sure about in life is based on a partial truth.

So, what do we do with this, seemingly, pessimistic perspective?

I always bring it back to the knowledge that some things are always good for us. Sleep. Eating well. Family/relationships. Generosity. Spiritual endeavours. If we do those things we know that if everything else if life falls over because of something outside of your control, you will still have everything you need.

*not a guarantee

Golf is Dumb

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I know that millions of men and many women will be very upset with me right now, but I don’t see the drawcard.

It is elitist. You need a whole set of things just to get started. You need many hours to play one full round. To become good at it requires many rounds of many hours.

It’s a first world game. You need a huge area of land, with superhuman upkeep to ensure the surface you are playing on is green and tidy.

It is selfish. At best, you can share it with 3 other people.  No one can sit and watch you.

No one is that good at it. It’s like gambling. The house always wins. The course always wins. Sure, you might have a good day and come out on top, but the more you play the more you lose.

The problem I have is there are people that I really like who play golf and seem to enjoy it. How do I tell them that what they are doing is dumb?

Is it possible that the thing I think is dumb is just not for me? Perhaps other people could actually enjoy it. Perhaps it could bring some benefit to them even though I can’t see how.

Generosity would suggest that it is not only possible but highly likely.

My ego would disagree.

Not Afraid

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

When we are laughing we are not afraid – Stephen Colbert

I fear a lot of things. Family members getting sick, failure, rejection, bad coffee.

We know that fear can cripple us, and keep us from moving forward. The fight, flight, freeze response comes to mind.

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened”.

Stoic Philosopher, Seneca said, “Perhaps the worst will happen, perhaps not, until then, look forward to better things“.

What are we afraid of?

What comes to mind, the worst thing that could happen, is death. One day I will die, and so will you. It is unavoidable, yet, I know I do all that I can to avoid it. Keep healthy, eat well, see the doctor, find ways to relax. But even after all that it is not going to work.

What I fear will come to pass. It will happen someday. Hopefully not someday soon, but it comes for us all.

My grandmother used to tell me, “Kieran, whatever you do, don’t get old” to which I would respond, “Okay grandma, I’ll give it a try but I’m not sure how successful I will be”. Then she would chuckle.

That’s what I remember about her, her sense of humour. And I think it made those times, as she was getting older, easier to handle. Because as you laugh at things, it takes the heaviness and perceived seriousness out of life.

It can be easy to create a serious persona, and get caught up thinking that everything in our life is so important, and so many decisions are life or death. But, if we allow laughter in, even decisions that are legitimately life or death, don’t feel as if they are life or death, more like life and death.

How do I know if it’s generosity? (Or manipulation…)

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

Sometimes what may look great on the surface, or upon initial consideration, turns out to be a little less than we expected. I have met people who appear to be amazing, accomplished, friendly and incredibly successful at first glance, but as I spent time with them, I began to realise that they were not quite what they promoted. In fact, they have played fast and easy with the truth.

Generosity can be just like that. Someone may give you attention, gifts and surprises which are delightful. Over time though, something doesn’t appear right, and you may feel pressured into thinking, or acting or responding in a certain way because “you owe them”.

So, how do you know when someone is genuinely being generous?

In other words, how do I know if someone cares about me or just cares about themselves?

Here a few things to look out for:

If it comes with strings

If you are given a gift of any sort, but it requires something of you in return, that is not generosity. It is a transaction. Which might be okay if everyone in the transaction is fine with it, but don’t confuse it with someone be generous to you. If you are unsure, try saying no to the request that is made (either a verbal request or an unsaid expectation) and see what the response is. If they get upset because you are not giving them what they are owed, then that’s your answer.

If it keeps you in a place of vulnerability

Some gifts seem very generous, and may even be given in good faith, but the consequences of the gift keep the receiver in a place of vulnerability. The Nestle scandal in the 1970’s comes to mind – there was outrage when it came to light that they had provided free formula to new mother’s in hospital in developing countries, which seems incredibly generous. But after the mother’s left hospital they needed to purchase it. Of course, by this time the mother’s breast milk production had been interrupted due to the formula use and they had no other option but to find the money to pay for the formula. A ‘gift’ that seems generous but kept people in a place of vulnerability instead of empowering them.

If it hurts you

Sometimes receiving a gift can cause you damage. For example, if someone gave you one billion dollars.

“How could that hurt me?” you ask.

Large amounts of money can create a huge burden, damaging relationships and families, and build significant costs and taxes to manage.

“I’ll take my chances” you say, well it didn’t work out so well for these guys. A gift for someone who is not ready for it can create huge problems.

Most of the time when you receive a gift, it is lovely but there are times when it turns out not to be generosity at all. Generally, anytime a gift is given that creates a power imbalance, it’s most likely not a generous act.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift…

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

One way to give someone else a gift, is to let them give a gift to you.

Don’t let that be the only way that you give other people a gift, because that would mean you are a taker, possibly a bit of a jerk, but accepting a gift well is an underrated skill.

How do you respond when someone gives you a gift?

“You shouldn’t have”

“You spent too much”

“That wasn’t necessary”

“But I didn’t get you anything”

Here’s a reminder: You are allowed to be on the receiving end of an act of generosity. It’s okay if someone gives you something nice. Some people are wired to express their love and gratitude more through giving gifts.

If you refuse it, you are getting in the way of someone else having the joy of giving. If you don’t receive it well then it can tarnish the whole experience for everyone.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift is “thank you”.

If you must, you can add “you are very kind”, or “I love it”. That’s it.

By just accepting it graciously, you are ensuring that generosity is going both ways.

I must add that the above does not apply if someone is trying to manipulate or coerce you through giving gifts. That’s downright shady behaviour and you have every right to refuse that. Forcefully if necessary.

Noble Causes

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

“What is the use of living, if it be not to strive for noble causes and to make this muddled world a better place for those who will live in it after we are gone?” – Winston Churchill

I agree with Winston. What else is there to do?

That leaves just two questions:

What are noble causes?

What is worth spending time, money and effort to achieve? What are the things that you are willing to sacrifice for? To be able to put other things on hold for. What is it in our world that is worth prioritising and saying ‘no’ to other things because of it. Once you have an idea of that, then I think you have a noble cause on your hands.

What is the striving?

What is required of us to achieve the goal of fulfilling these noble causes? If the cause is truly noble, then any amount of effort is justified. How we do the striving is more complex. The way that we behave is just as important as the outcomes we achieve.

How are we doing the work?

I believe the noble causes begin with other people. Anything that helps people, without damaging other people in the process, is a noble cause.

How we strive is just as important as the noble causes we strive for.

A gift for you

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. – James Clear

I have been hurt. So have you. Somewhere along the line we have all been on the receiving end of behaviour that is rude, thoughtless, violent, offensive, toxic, troublesome – you name it. And it can cut deep. It causes pain which doesn’t just disappear.

The importance of forgiveness…

But carrying hurt around, staying angry, storing the pain in a section of our mind so we can revisit it time and time again, only perpetuates the hurt. It keeps the wound from healing. The strange part about that is it has no effect on the person who hurt us in the slightest.

How to forgive…

Now I don’t pretend to be the expert of how to forgive someone, I know it has something to do with letting go of the anger and working to get to a place where we are not reliving the experience, eventually even wishing the person well in their life. There’s no three step process for this unfortunately, you can do your own research on what may work best for you, but I can tell you that once you get to the point where you can forgive, it is an amazing gift for yourself. You will feel lighter, happier, healthier and be able to live your life without the constant threat of being thrust into pain and anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them do it again…

Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you automatically invite them back into your life where they can do the same thing again. Forgiveness doesn’t go hand in hand with trust. I can forgive you for crashing my car, but that doesn’t mean you still get to drive my car. The damage can be fixed, but it is costly and not one that I am willing to pay twice.

So, I can forgive someone for hurting me, giving myself a gift, making my way through life lighter, happier and healthier, whilst having solid boundaries in place to protect me from future hurt.

Good Things

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I think we all have an innate sense to hold on to what we have. Loss Aversion is a strong cognitive bias which suggests the pain of losing something is twice as bad as the pleasure of gaining something. So, we hold on.

As you could imagine, this bias makes it very difficult to be generous. Giving something away is at odds with Loss Aversion. It goes against everything that we feel is right.

The result of this, if left unchecked, is that we can become stuck in a place where we don’t want to give anything up, which could be holding us back from taking the next step, from growing. Specifically, when it comes to money, loss aversion can create stinginess, keeping us in a small, dark place where the accumulation of money is the only focus.

To overcome the obstacle of Loss Aversion, it is best to give some money away. When you do that two things happen:

  1. Something shifts within you.

The psychological impact of giving money away allows you to see the world differently. What you thought would be a loss, turns out to be something different. Not only does it feel good to do good, but giving money away shows you that you don’t need as much as you think and it lessens the burden of seeking to accumulate.

2. Something shifts in the world.

Both in the way you see the world and the actual world. All of a sudden, the world appears to you as a place that is redeemable. A place that you can make a difference to and one that is filled with good people trying to do good things.

The world will also be a better place because you have put some money in the hands of those good people trying to do good things.

Overcome loss aversion. Give some money away and see the difference it makes to you and the world.