Tag: Giving

Get Out of Your Head

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I sometimes have what I call an ‘out of body experience’ where I almost come to terms with the fact that I can only view the world through my own eyes in this present moment, but at the same time there are billions of other people doing exactly the same thing, and this has been happening my entire life, and I assume for a long time before that (I don’t actually know, I wasn’t there but people I know were). How can I balance the entire weight of human history and everything that has ever been done with the reality that I can only experience this moment by myself in my own head. It’s like the sound of one hand clapping, or a tree falling in the woods etc.

Being inside my head is mostly boring I admit, but at times it can be a chaotic, trippy and enlightening place. The problem is that if I stay that I get so caught up in my own thoughts and feelings that I feed my selfishness and offer no value to those around me.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe for you it’s a different experience of a downward spiral of troubling thoughts, or unhappy feelings, or a land of insecurity. But generally getting stuck in your own head with your own thoughts for too long doesn’t end well.

The greatest weapon we have against selfishness, unhelpful thoughts or feelings or insecurity when we get caught in our own heads, is generosity. There is a reason that on the steps in the 12 Step Groups, is to ask their members to be of service because it helps them get out of their own heads.

When you do something for someone else it is a circuit breaker for your own thoughts and feelings. Being of use to another person stops your downward spiral, even for a moment, and helps you see that there is a whole world of people right in front of you, who you can do something for.

That is of greater value that any ‘out of body’ experience I can create for myself.

The Real Reason for Generosity

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There are so many reasons to give. So many positives. So many benefits for everyone involved.

Many of these are on the periphery of the actual act.

When it comes down to it, the main reason why you should give is the difference that it makes in the lives of those who benefit from your generosity.

No matter the motivations for giving, the different ways, or the different reasons, one thing that connects every generous act is the impact the giving has.

I saw it. The courage of a women who just lost her husband through the COVID pandemic, left to raise three children on her own, who took a loan to create a business and a sustainable income. Who found a way forward with her life after going through the depths of tragedy and poverty. The giving from people in Australia made this type of difference possible. Tara inspired me. So did her children.

So, I choose to give to an organisation that works internationally, that is accredited through the Australian Government, that reports back on the impact it is having. You may choose to do it differently, but the reason you give is the same as the reason I do. Something needs to change and I am in a position to help change it.

Where Freedom is Found

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Some definitions of freedom suggest that it means you can do whatever you want. That sounds great but it’s not true.

British-born Zen master Houn Jiyu-Kennett’s goal in her teaching style wasn’t to lighten the burden of the student, but to make it so heavy that he or she would put it down.

You simply can’t do everything. You can certainly try but something will pay the price.

Our time, energy and resources are finite and when we say ‘yes’ to something, it means saying ‘no’ to something else.

Saying ‘yes’ to more Netflix means saying no to exercise, conversation, practicing guitar, reading to your kids, gardening.

Saying ‘yes’ to sleeping in again means saying no to starting the day early, getting a run in, eating a leisurely breakfast, playing with your kids before school, gardening*.

It’s not just about the potentially unhealthy things we say yes to, it’s also about all the unnecessary things we say yes to. The extra committee you join, the extra responsibility at work, the volunteer role as coach for your kids sporting team – all good things, but what are they costing?

Freedom is found in the simple things. Freedom is found in the quiet moments. Freedom is found in saying ‘no’.

As an act of generosity to yourself, say no to something…

*I actually don’t garden, but I assume that it is a good thing to do. People seem to like it.

2025 Theme – Choose

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One thing that I have found very easy to do is to feel sorry for myself. It’s almost a natural reflex. When something happens, (and it could be anything), I can find a way for it to seem like a rough experience for me.

Working for an organisation that empowers people to work their way out of poverty, I have firsthand experience in seeing just how challenging life can be for those living in developing countries. This gives me a unique perspective on how good my life is, how easy, how untroubled, how safe. So, how can I possibly feel sorry for myself?

Well, I can still find a way to do just that. The weather is too hot, or too cold. My air-conditioned office is too hot, or too cold. My coffee is too hot, or too cold. I’m so tired today. My kids are too loud. The tv is too loud, or too soft. There is too much to do. There is not enough to do. I’m bored. I’m over stimulated. There’s nothing to watch on my numerous streaming services. I don’t have enough time in the day.

I find myself living in a cognitive dissonance, of knowing that I have a great deal, more than most, to be grateful for, but sulking about how life is hard.

James Clear is one of my favourite authors and this quote is helping me to adjust my thinking for this coming year:

“Different meanings can be assigned to the same events. Look for evidence of how the world is encouraging you, and you will find it. Look for evidence of how the world is burdening you, and you will find it. Choose an explanation that empowers you.”

You find what you look for in life. You get to choose what you look for, and therefore you get to choose what you find.

For me, in 2025 I will choose to look for the encouraging things, for the good things, for the generosity. I will let you know if I find it.

What Drives Healthy Generosity

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Generosity comes into existence through action. People give because they are responding to a situation that they cannot stand anymore. They simply must do something to right a particular wrong, or to create a better version of the current reality.

This imperative comes from a place deep within, and many people who give are not able to articulate exactly why they do. They just feel compelled to do so.

But it comes from values.

Someone places value on human life, and when they see something happening in the world, be it poverty, war, famine or other injustices, that rubs up against their value. Usually they see something that reflects an image of themself. It might be children, or women, or parents.

They then give as a response to their values being challenged.

This is an extremely healthy way to give. It comes from a place of purity. And it is usually the starting point of a giving journey, which begins with that almost visceral response and then eventually leads to a place where an individual has a well thought out philosophy of philanthropy with a portfolio of organisations they support for a number of reasons. But at the heart is the imperative that first prompted their generosity. That never leaves.

Talking vs. Doing

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I was never a strong trash talker. When playing any sort of sport, I was not able to get in to the head of my opponent by using words. Not if I wanted to play well anyway. I discovered early on that I could either play the game well, or try to put the opposition off, but not both.

I realised that I enjoyed playing the game to best of my ability, so that meant I was pretty quiet on the court/field.

There were a few people who seemed to be able to do it, to play well and get into the head of the other team, but they were the minority.

Then I came across this quote from Ryan Holiday:

“Talking and doing fight for the same resources”

And it made me feel better, although it’s probably not about sport but more important parts of life.

Anyone can talk about a thing. It takes some skill to notice a problem or issue and bring it up, but that isn’t solving anything if that’s where it stops.

It is easy to talk and tough to do.

So that leaves me with the question, am I mostly talking or am I doing? Am I talking a generous game or am I living the generous life?

What can you do?

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So many things are outside of our control. The world is a big place and things happen quickly. What can one person do to stem the tide of poverty, or racism, or sexism, or any other -ism you can think of?

Why bother, right?

If Frozen 2 has taught us anything, (aside from the fact that sequels can be better than the original and water has memory) it’s that sometimes all we can do is ‘the next right thing’. Sure, it’s an animated kids movie, but this is a healthy philosophy that I would love my kids to encapsulate as they grow up in this world. Heck, I would be proud to be able to say that this is how I live my life.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and overwhelming odds, (be they wind, fire, water or earth spirits…look, just watch the movie), you can still do something. The next thing. The next right thing. Over time, the amount of ‘right things’ you do adds up and begins to make a huge difference.

The challenge in these moments is to figure out what the next right thing is. Let me help you with this – I can guarantee that it has something to do with generosity.

Nobody has any idea…

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If event A happens right before event B, does that mean that A caused B? It’s hard to say that it doesn’t.

That’s why so many professional athletes have ‘lucky’ items of clothing that they wear – they played a great game once and decided that it was partly because they were wearing a specific pair of underwear. Now it makes up part of their pre-game ritual, even though it stinks and has holes in it.

This philosophy has birthed thousands of ‘experts’ who can share the ‘secrets of their success’, and if it has worked for them, you can do it too and it will work for you, guaranteed*. But somehow their secrets seem to fall short for most people.

At best, the greatest advice anyone can give you is, “Here’s what I have done that has worked for me…so far.”

But luck, timing, and other things outside of our control make up about 90% of all success.

Where you were born, your access to education, meeting the right person at the right time, being the in the right place and the right time, none of these things have anything to do with your ability.

Sometimes success comes in spite of what we did and who we are, and looking back we are not sure how it happened because we did everything ‘wrong’.

I’ve often heard it said, ‘no one has any idea what they are doing, they are just making it up as the go along.’

If that is true, it’s an uncomfortable reality because surely someone knows what is going on and how to do this life thing, someone must be in charge of it all? Maybe not.

Does this mean there is nothing we can learn outside of our own experience? Of course not, but it is important to have the perspective that nothing is guaranteed, and what we think is the ‘silver bullet’ may not be.

It is possible that right now, the thing that you are most sure about in life is based on an incorrect assumption. Whilst that seems unlikely, what is more likely is that the thing you are most sure about in life is based on a partial truth.

So, what do we do with this, seemingly, pessimistic perspective?

I always bring it back to the knowledge that some things are always good for us. Sleep. Eating well. Family/relationships. Generosity. Spiritual endeavours. If we do those things we know that if everything else if life falls over because of something outside of your control, you will still have everything you need.

*not a guarantee

Golf is Dumb

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I know that millions of men and many women will be very upset with me right now, but I don’t see the drawcard.

It is elitist. You need a whole set of things just to get started. You need many hours to play one full round. To become good at it requires many rounds of many hours.

It’s a first world game. You need a huge area of land, with superhuman upkeep to ensure the surface you are playing on is green and tidy.

It is selfish. At best, you can share it with 3 other people.  No one can sit and watch you.

No one is that good at it. It’s like gambling. The house always wins. The course always wins. Sure, you might have a good day and come out on top, but the more you play the more you lose.

The problem I have is there are people that I really like who play golf and seem to enjoy it. How do I tell them that what they are doing is dumb?

Is it possible that the thing I think is dumb is just not for me? Perhaps other people could actually enjoy it. Perhaps it could bring some benefit to them even though I can’t see how.

Generosity would suggest that it is not only possible but highly likely.

My ego would disagree.

Not Afraid

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When we are laughing we are not afraid – Stephen Colbert

I fear a lot of things. Family members getting sick, failure, rejection, bad coffee.

We know that fear can cripple us, and keep us from moving forward. The fight, flight, freeze response comes to mind.

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened”.

Stoic Philosopher, Seneca said, “Perhaps the worst will happen, perhaps not, until then, look forward to better things“.

What are we afraid of?

What comes to mind, the worst thing that could happen, is death. One day I will die, and so will you. It is unavoidable, yet, I know I do all that I can to avoid it. Keep healthy, eat well, see the doctor, find ways to relax. But even after all that it is not going to work.

What I fear will come to pass. It will happen someday. Hopefully not someday soon, but it comes for us all.

My grandmother used to tell me, “Kieran, whatever you do, don’t get old” to which I would respond, “Okay grandma, I’ll give it a try but I’m not sure how successful I will be”. Then she would chuckle.

That’s what I remember about her, her sense of humour. And I think it made those times, as she was getting older, easier to handle. Because as you laugh at things, it takes the heaviness and perceived seriousness out of life.

It can be easy to create a serious persona, and get caught up thinking that everything in our life is so important, and so many decisions are life or death. But, if we allow laughter in, even decisions that are legitimately life or death, don’t feel as if they are life or death, more like life and death.