Tag: Generous

Too many books?

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My kids sleep with, what seems to be, hundreds of toys in their bed. There are stuffed toys, toy cars, small animals, lego men and piles of books. I’m not even sure that any part of their body touches the mattress there is so much junk.

I honestly don’t know how it came to this – I am reasonably ordered in life. The bed is for sleeping. The toys and books go in the playroom. But, apparently, my children have a more fluid understanding of how things work in our home.

The books, whilst super annoying when they fall under the bed and cause a frantic search when it’s library day at school, I am more okay with because books are important. It is important to read to your child. I think every parent knows that, and there are studies that have found that young children whose parents read to them daily have better school experiences. There are other studies that have shown that homes which have books in them are more likely to have better educational outcomes, even if they aren’t read.

So, my kids, by sleeping on books, should end up being geniuses. That’s my working theory.

Education is important, and we all want the best for our kids.

Whenever I meet the women that Opportunity International Australia work with, their motivation for using a small loan to build a business and work their way out of poverty is so that they can give their children a better life. They, first and foremost, want their children to go to school and get an education, because they know that this will be a huge benefit for the kids in the future. Even if they haven’t been able to go to school themselves.

For women like Bhikhiben in India, who desperately wanted to go to school when she was younger, but had to make an impossible and devastating choice after her mother died. As the oldest of five siblings, she quit school to help raise them.

No child should have to choose between going to school or looking after their family. But that was the reality for Bhikhiben.

Even though she only has a few years of education, she has taken a small loan to build her own business to create an income which has allowed her kids can go to school, get enough food to eat, to pay the loan back as they work their way out of poverty.

Once the loan is repaid, it gets recycled on to the next mother, so she can do the same thing. With 98% off all loans repaid and recycled, that is a lot of families that are putting their kids in school.

Bhikhiben was robbed of her chance to get an education, but that has fuelled her desire to make sure her children get one. This is how generational change is created.

You can donate here to help women like Bhikhiben lift their families out of poverty.

To those who are still giving…

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Again, we find ourselves in a crisis (there’s always a crisis). Sure, inflation seems to be slowing down, but talk of the cost-of-living crisis is strong in the community and there is no doubt that some are really struggling to make ends meet each week.

Here’s what I know, more people are giving less, and less people are giving more. Some are giving to charities at their normal levels, and more on top of that because they are able to, and some are giving less than they normally would as they juggle financial priorities. But those who are still giving have made it a habit, one which they don’t say goodbye to when finances get tight. They still give but give less because it’s easier to increase and continue than it is to start something that you have stopped.

So, no matter how tough things are for you right now, make sure you find a way to maintain your generosity to those around you. It will make you feel better about yourself and it will make a huge difference to the organisation that you are giving to.

To those who are still giving, we thank you.

The day when nobody reads

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“There will be a day when nobody listens, when nobody reads, when nobody calls, when nobody responds and who will I be then?” – Carey Nieuwhof

Watching numbers can be intoxicating. Seeing that more people are reading, responding, attending, subscribing to things that I do is a nice dopamine hit. At one level it gives me a sense of value in this world. It’s nice.

Don’t get me wrong, my ‘numbers’ are not large, I am grateful for the days when I can put the ‘s’ on the end of ‘number’. But I often find myself drawn to the metrics page of whatever I am currently working on. Most days, at least one person reads something that I have written.

There has been the occasional day when no one does. There is a big fat zero in the metrics for that day. There is nothing unusual about that day from my perspective. I’m still producing the same amount of content, I am still as active as always, but for whatever reason, nobody reads, watches, calls or comments.

It’s quiet.

It can be lonely.

I think I’ve come to a place where that is okay. Great even. Because who I am that day, when no one is watching or consuming, is who I truly am. That’s the real me.

I find myself thinking on those days, “If this is how it will be forever, if no one ever reads what I have written, would I still write?”

“Yes” is the answer.

I write because it is the overflow of what is happening within me. Sure, some of it is a little weird, hard to understand and sometimes without a point, but that’s okay. That’s what is going on in my head.

Who am I when nobody reads? I hope that I am someone who is generous to himself.

“I don’t care what anyone thinks” …well that’s not true.

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I knew even as the words were still on my lips that it wasn’t true. Who was I kidding? Even as a teenager I knew that I was frightfully afraid of what other people thought of me. They call it FOPO, Fear of Other People’s Opinions.

I think now I am a little less afraid , but it depends on the day and the weather and the amount of coffee I have had. I do want to get to the point where I legitimately don’t care what other people think, but I’m not sure that’s possible, or entirely healthy.

Regardless of that, I want to get to a place where I care more about what I think of me. I want my opinion of me to be solid and fair and generous. If I can get there, then it matters not what others say and think, or at least it matters less.

In reality I’m not sure that my opinion of me will be solid and fair and generous, at least not all the time.

But, along this journey, I think I will limit the people’s opinions that I care about to those closest to me and those that know me the best. They have earned the right to have an opinion.

The Best Days…

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It still happens from time to time, but not as much as it used to. My 4 year old, sitting on my lap, consuming the food that I have just prepared for myself – often after not eating her food. I used to find it really annoying, especially when food would somehow end up on my suit pants, requiring a change, or when she was supposed to be in bed, asleep.

It wasn’t until it struck me that this is a seasonal part of life, that I began to enjoy it. She certainly won’t be doing it in 10 years, nor 5, probably not in 1. I realised that I had this moment, and this moment only.

Recognising the current season you are in is a significant act of generosity to yourself. You don’t have to beat yourself up for not doing more, for not creating more, for not achieving more, for not…you get the idea. Because right now, in this moment, in this season, you are enough, and you are doing enough. And it is likely that this season will pass, perhaps all too quickly.

20 years from now, my boss is never going to say “remember that time when you attended that meeting?”. It is more likely that my kids will say, “remember that time when we did/saw/went to that thing/place?” That helps me refine my focus on to what is truly important.

But, I admit, managing the tension between this moment right now and the drive to grow and improve and do more, is a challenge.

Am I really that bad?

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My nephew* is great. How he engages with my younger kids is remarkable, even though they are about 10 years younger than him. He finds the time and energy to play with them. Not bad for a teenager.

My wife was commenting on this the other day and I agreed, saying that “I never would have done that at his age. I wouldn’t have thought about others the way he does. I probably still don’t.”

Without hesitation, without a second thought, without any internal debate, my wife responded, “Yeah.” Fully agreeing with my self-assessment. It was said with a smile, with a some humour to it, but behind the humour was the subliminal message which said, “but seriously, you don’t”.

Brutal.

It sent me on a bit of a downward spiral. I know I’m not great sometimes but am I really that bad?

I think of other people, don’t I?

I know that I am self-centred, it’s something that I have wrestled with for a long time, and something that I am sure that I will wrestle with for a long time to come. I used to operate from a place of being so afraid of letting people down, or falling short of people’s expectations that I would avoid any sense of responsibility in life. I didn’t want to promise to do something and then not do what I said I was going to. Under promise and over deliver. Or never promise and never deliver. I was a little like Eleanor Shellstrop from the Good Place, “You don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe you anything.”

I thought I had changed my ways. I thought I was a better person than I used to be. I probably am, but here is what I realised after the humorous/serious “Yeah.”:

There is a difference between thinking about others, and then verbalising and acting on those thoughts.

It appears I still have some work to do to shift my thinking into action.

*I have many nephews and nieces; they are all great. This story just so happens to be about one of them.

Maybe something happened to her

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“Saturday night is probably not the best night to go for a run on that route”.

That was the first thing I said to my wife after I returned from an evening run. I felt a little cooped up during the day and thought that a brief run would help me feel a bit better. What I didn’t take into account was the day of the week nor the time of the day. When it’s night, I will run where there is enough light to do so safely, and this just to happens to take me past the local tavern.

As I approached it this particular night I noticed an older woman leaving it and walking the same direction that I was headed, she was noticeable swaying as she went. I gave her a wide berth as I passed her on the footpath and then stopped to let a car leave the car park, before jogging off again. My new headphones have noise cancellation, which I am loving, but I could still hear someone calling out. I assumed it was coming from the car that just left, but the sound stayed as the car got further away. Finally, I looked behind me and the swaying woman was chasing after me, screaming. I thought she may be in trouble, so I stopped to see what was wrong.

“I’m not going to let you walk past my complex. I am barring you from walking past my complex!” She yelled as she walked past me in an attempt to block my path, continuing her barrage, complete with excess saliva.

“It’s a footpath, I’m just going for a run” I said, but it was not use, she would have none of it and was committed to stopping me in my tracks. Realising that it was no use to engage, I said “I’m going now” and slipped past her to continue on my way and the noise cancellation covered the screams and yells as I left her behind.

My path was a loop and brought me back around to that exact spot a few minutes later and I was a little wary and a tiny bit jumpy when I came back but she was nowhere to be seen. Hopefully she made it safely back to her complex, maybe watching me with wary eyes. Maybe passed out from consuming too much of whatever she had.

The following day I was talking to a friend about this interaction and my seven year old listened in and asked a few questions. (My patience for my seven year olds questions when I am talking with another adult can be a little thin, but I still talked with him about it.)

7yo: “What did she want from you daddy?”

Me: “She wanted me to stay away from her home, even though I was on the footpath where everyone is allowed to be”

7yo: “Why did she do that daddy?”

Me: “Well, I think she may have had too much alcohol and thought I was someone else.”

7yo: “Maybe something happened to her.”

And there it was. The most profound, generous and thoughtful response I had heard for a while. And most likely true. I don’t know the trauma or pain that this women had experienced. I don’t know what life had dished up for her, but it is likely that there was something troubling that was going on for her in that moment.

I hope that my seven year old will take that mentality with him for the rest of his life, to look past people’s behaviour and see the hurt that is motivating that behaviour. Because really, everyone has had something happen to them, and being able to recognise that, whilst is doesn’t excuse how people behave, and try to understand it even a little bit, is a great act of generosity.

It’s easy to judge. It’s generous to try and understand.

Tyred of the same thing?

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Christmas is upon us. It’s nearly here. It’s happening.

As you go about your preparation for this season and think about the people you will buy presents for, think about what they would really like. I’ve noted before that this is not my strong suit, but I am not the only one.

I recently found out that Australian’s will spend $921 million on presents for people this year that are unwanted. That’s right, almost one billion dollars on gifts that people will throw out. $35 for every man, woman and child will be chucked out. Creating 275,000 tonnes of landfill, about a kilogram for each person.

So, in order to save yourself some time and landfill, reach into your wallet or purse, grab $35 and throw it in the bin.

Or, buy something that will do some good, ensure that your money gets used, recycled and used again, and see to it that your gift is recyclable, by purchasing a Gift of Opportunity. These gifts, like chicks, or ducks, or seeds, or old tyres (yep you read that right), represent things that women living in poverty in India and Indonesia use to create their own business from a small loan. Through that business they make an income, put food on the table, send their kids to school, pay the loan back and work their way out of poverty. Your Christmas gift this year is you providing that loan on behalf of someone you care about and letting them know about it. It’s feel good, do good, save the planet gift giving.

Merry Christmas!

Hurting people hurt people

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The hardest thing for me to do is to looking past someone’s outward behaviours to see the motivations of their behaviours. Everyone acts in a way that makes sense to them at some level. For those that commit acts of violence or aggression or seek to tear people down, mostly what motivates those actions is pain, hurt and trauma. Sure, some people are psychopaths, but most people are just in pain. That doesn’t excuse their behaviour, nor should it inoculate them from the consequences of their bahaviour, but it does give insight as the reason why. Once we can see the hurt, pain and trauma, then we can attempt to heal those parts and, hopefully, bring an end to violent acts and aggression, at least in that person.

You see, hurting people hurt people. If you have been hurt in your life (and who hasn’t?), it is likely that you are hurting those people closest to you, without even realising it. It is almost a guarantee, unless…

Unless you have done the work of healing, unless you have access to gratitude, unless you have been generous to yourself.

Being generous to yourself helps you heal from the hurt, hurt people less and gain superpowers to not be as hurt by other hurting people.

Hurt, pain and trauma is a big fat mess, but generosity can be starting point to bring some healing to you and those around you.

Giving = Living

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There were these beautiful moments where people would visit Morrie Schwartz to offer him support and assistance, but in the end, they would leave being encouraged, uplifted and loved by him.

He was dying. And what would normally have been a time of sorrow and despair became a time of hope and joy. Such was the impact that he had on the people around him. Such was his generosity.

When asked why he chose to focus this time on those who came to see him, and to build them up, he answered “Taking makes me feel like I’m dying, giving makes me feel like I’m living.”*

Even though he was dying, he didn’t feel like he was because his was giving to other people. That is the power of generosity that even in the face of death it brings life and life to the full.

If you want to feel like you are living, no matter what is happening around you, giving to others is the best thing you can do.

*Tuesday’s with Morrie by Mitch Albom