Tag: Generous

Should I put up more of a fight?

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“Here you go.” Guy hands me free bread.

“Thanks, that’s really lovely”. I take it and walk out.

It was really thoughtful because I wanted to buy this bread the week before but they ran out. The guy who worked there remembered that and sought to make amends. He didn’t have to do that. I was not upset with him or his establishment, it’s just one of those things that happens. Sometimes other people buy stuff before you get there. That’s okay.

I was pretty excited about my free bread though.

As I was reflecting on it, I wondered if he knew how pleased I was? Was I thankful enough? Should I have pushed back so that he knew I understood it was a big deal? Kind of like:

Guy handing me free bread: “Here you go”

Me: “I couldn’t possible take it, let me pay.”

Guy with bread: “No, that’s fine. It’s my gift to you.”

Me: “Are you sure? I feel like I’m ripping you off.”

Guy with bread: “Of course it’s fine. This is my shop, I can do what I want and I what I want to do is to give you free bread.”

Me: “At least let me pay a little.”

Guy with bread: “Just take the damn bread!”

Okay, that was maybe a little over the top, but you get my drift. What is the right amount of hesitation before taking a gift?

Honestly, I don’t think it really matters. Maybe a little hesitation and push back is good, but we need to make sure we don’t stand in the way of someone else getting the joy of being generous to us.

Accidentally Generous

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Back when $50 was a lot of money, I went out for a dinner with friends that I couldn’t really afford. It was my last $50 before pay day the next week. We were all light on cash but went out anyway.

I ordered a miserly meal so that I would get enough change to make my way through the next few days. As it came time to pay I thought we were pooling money together and divvying up appropriate change. I handed my $50 to one of my friends, who took it as if I was paying for his dinner as well – thanked me, winked and walked off to pay. He thought I was being generous. I was not. Deciding not to run after him to create an incredibly awkward situation of it all, I let it happen. I guess you could say I was accidentally generous.

I don’t remember how I got through the next few days, but I made it through alive obviously. It’s only in time that I realise it costs less to be generous that we think. The idea of giving money to someone or something else feels as if it will hurt, but in reality the benefit it brings far outweighs the cost or pain we might feel in giving it.

So, don’t wait for it to happen by accident. Be generous on purpose.

Entitlement and Generosity

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“Hey! I’m going through a hard time here!”

It’s hard to argue with someone who is going through something tough. We’ve all been there too, when life becomes especially challenging, it is amazing to have good people around to show a little extra grace and thoughtfulness during that time, to be on the receiving end of their generosity for a bit.

But, what happens when someone stays there, or lives there permanently? There are those that you may come across who are always going through a tough time in life, and are constantly on the receiving end of people’s generosity. If they tire out the people around them, that’s okay, they find new people to feel sorry for them and be generous. They are a constant victim. They are the entitled victim.

Entitlement says, “You should be generous to me because my life is hard. You owe me.” That type of victim behaviour damages relationships and people. It is toxic and unhealthy.

We should always seek to be generous to those around us who are going through a challenging time. I have experienced that and it is wonderful.

And sometimes being generous to someone requires calling them out on their entitlement and putting healthy boundaries in place.

C’mon Kieran

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I say it audibly multiple times a day.

When I get distracted from something important. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I forget a word that I am trying to think of. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I remember something stupid I did or said 20 years ago. “C’mon Kieran”.

It’s not a nice, encouraging “C’mon Kieran” either. It’s more of a scold, to small child, sometimes followed up with a “Get it together mate” and a disapproving shake of my head.

On my best days I slip in a “You can do this”.

Thank goodness I work in an office by myself.

I can’t be the only one whose most unfriendly, judgemental voice, is their own.

It’s a hard habit to break because it requires rewiring years of behaviour that is so ingrained that I don’t realise it’s happening until I hear myself say the words out loud.

As frustrating as that part is, the most devastating part shows up when I hear that same voice coming from me, speaking to my kids because that is absolutely not how I want to communicate to them.

I want to be encouraging and uplifting with quality boundaries so they can thrive in life. But instead, I just hear “Get it together mate” aimed at little people who don’t deserve that, which makes me feel guilty and the next thing I hear from me is “C’mon Kieran, get it together mate”, followed by a disapproving shake of my head. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve always said that self-generosity is hard. It’s a complicated part of the generosity family which, like any part, takes intentional effort. It may be that it is also one of the most important parts of, not only generosity, but also being a person. To be able to give yourself grace for the times you get distracted, or forget a word, or for when you did or said something stupid in the past, will make you a more generous person to those around you.

The key is intentionality. Even after the fact. Recognising that you were doing the best you could with what you had at that time, that it wasn’t perfect, and that you can grow and get better.

For me, I am aiming for more days when my “C’mon Kieran” sounds a little more encouraging in tone and has “you’ve got this” added to the end.

The Banquet

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“Sooner or later we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.” Robert Louis Stevenson

Another way to put it is, ‘you reap what you sow’, or ‘all of your chickens will come home to roost’.

If you act selfishly, keeping others at a distance, living in a zero-sum style, you will damage relationships, people and places. Over time, at some stage you will be faced with the fruit of that sort of lifestyle.

But it’s not just a negative situation. If you spend time acting generously, loving others, giving time and space for those in your life, then you will sit down to a banquet of generous, loving, timely and spacious consequences.

It can be hard to be generous. I should know, I have been talking about it for years and still have moments of utter selfishness, but even in the striving for generous acts there is a reward that comes to others and, yes, to you too. The reward is relational for sure, but also financial. (See Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take).

This reward is not the reason that we strive for generosity, but it is the fruit that comes as a result of the actions. Being generous brings good things.

Your Unhealthy Opinion

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“You always own the option of having no opinion.” – Marcus Aurelias

“Can you believe this?”

The question startled me from my own thoughts – I don’t remember what I was thinking about because of the interruption, but I do remember that I was enjoying my thoughts. So, I started this interaction from a grumpy place.

“Believe what?” I asked tersely.

“What this politician said. They are only looking after their own interest and don’t care about anyone else. This guy is a real jerk.”

Honestly, I don’t even remember which politician this conversation was about, but I do remember feeling like this other person was trying to draw me into the drama they were experiencing in their own mind.

I’m not a fan of drama, real or perceived. I am also not a fan of someone trying to recruit me to be a party to their drams, real of perceived. I think it is a waste of time and energy.

Now, sometimes I have felt like a jerk for that and maybe like I am being heartless. When that feeling comes up though I am reminded of Marcus Aurelias and his thoughts on opinions (see the above quote).

It’s healthy to care a great deal about some things, if you don’t that’s a problem. But you don’t have to care about everything. You can’t possibly. If you did it’s likely that at some stage you would give too much energy to something you can’t change and not enough energy to something that is truly important.

The beauty is that you get to choose what you care about and have an opinion of. If something is not in your top 3 or 5 or 10 priorities, remember, you don’t need an opinion.

The Real Reason for Generosity

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There are so many reasons to give. So many positives. So many benefits for everyone involved.

Many of these are on the periphery of the actual act.

When it comes down to it, the main reason why you should give is the difference that it makes in the lives of those who benefit from your generosity.

No matter the motivations for giving, the different ways, or the different reasons, one thing that connects every generous act is the impact the giving has.

I saw it. The courage of a women who just lost her husband through the COVID pandemic, left to raise three children on her own, who took a loan to create a business and a sustainable income. Who found a way forward with her life after going through the depths of tragedy and poverty. The giving from people in Australia made this type of difference possible. Tara inspired me. So did her children.

So, I choose to give to an organisation that works internationally, that is accredited through the Australian Government, that reports back on the impact it is having. You may choose to do it differently, but the reason you give is the same as the reason I do. Something needs to change and I am in a position to help change it.

What Drives Healthy Generosity

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Generosity comes into existence through action. People give because they are responding to a situation that they cannot stand anymore. They simply must do something to right a particular wrong, or to create a better version of the current reality.

This imperative comes from a place deep within, and many people who give are not able to articulate exactly why they do. They just feel compelled to do so.

But it comes from values.

Someone places value on human life, and when they see something happening in the world, be it poverty, war, famine or other injustices, that rubs up against their value. Usually they see something that reflects an image of themself. It might be children, or women, or parents.

They then give as a response to their values being challenged.

This is an extremely healthy way to give. It comes from a place of purity. And it is usually the starting point of a giving journey, which begins with that almost visceral response and then eventually leads to a place where an individual has a well thought out philosophy of philanthropy with a portfolio of organisations they support for a number of reasons. But at the heart is the imperative that first prompted their generosity. That never leaves.

What can you do?

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So many things are outside of our control. The world is a big place and things happen quickly. What can one person do to stem the tide of poverty, or racism, or sexism, or any other -ism you can think of?

Why bother, right?

If Frozen 2 has taught us anything, (aside from the fact that sequels can be better than the original and water has memory) it’s that sometimes all we can do is ‘the next right thing’. Sure, it’s an animated kids movie, but this is a healthy philosophy that I would love my kids to encapsulate as they grow up in this world. Heck, I would be proud to be able to say that this is how I live my life.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and overwhelming odds, (be they wind, fire, water or earth spirits…look, just watch the movie), you can still do something. The next thing. The next right thing. Over time, the amount of ‘right things’ you do adds up and begins to make a huge difference.

The challenge in these moments is to figure out what the next right thing is. Let me help you with this – I can guarantee that it has something to do with generosity.

Nobody has any idea…

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If event A happens right before event B, does that mean that A caused B? It’s hard to say that it doesn’t.

That’s why so many professional athletes have ‘lucky’ items of clothing that they wear – they played a great game once and decided that it was partly because they were wearing a specific pair of underwear. Now it makes up part of their pre-game ritual, even though it stinks and has holes in it.

This philosophy has birthed thousands of ‘experts’ who can share the ‘secrets of their success’, and if it has worked for them, you can do it too and it will work for you, guaranteed*. But somehow their secrets seem to fall short for most people.

At best, the greatest advice anyone can give you is, “Here’s what I have done that has worked for me…so far.”

But luck, timing, and other things outside of our control make up about 90% of all success.

Where you were born, your access to education, meeting the right person at the right time, being the in the right place and the right time, none of these things have anything to do with your ability.

Sometimes success comes in spite of what we did and who we are, and looking back we are not sure how it happened because we did everything ‘wrong’.

I’ve often heard it said, ‘no one has any idea what they are doing, they are just making it up as the go along.’

If that is true, it’s an uncomfortable reality because surely someone knows what is going on and how to do this life thing, someone must be in charge of it all? Maybe not.

Does this mean there is nothing we can learn outside of our own experience? Of course not, but it is important to have the perspective that nothing is guaranteed, and what we think is the ‘silver bullet’ may not be.

It is possible that right now, the thing that you are most sure about in life is based on an incorrect assumption. Whilst that seems unlikely, what is more likely is that the thing you are most sure about in life is based on a partial truth.

So, what do we do with this, seemingly, pessimistic perspective?

I always bring it back to the knowledge that some things are always good for us. Sleep. Eating well. Family/relationships. Generosity. Spiritual endeavours. If we do those things we know that if everything else if life falls over because of something outside of your control, you will still have everything you need.

*not a guarantee