Tag: Kids

Go for Gold

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“Someone once told me that I would never amount to anything. I showed them.”

I have heard that statement so often as people have shared their story about how they became a ‘success’ and what fueled them to get there. On the face of it, it appears that some of the greatest inventions, businesses, sporting feats have grown out of strong desire to ‘prove the haters wrong’.

I can’t help by think that maybe I’m doing my kids a dis-service by giving them encouragement and telling them that they can do hard things. Perhaps I should be telling them they will never be able to do it, and they won’t amount to anything, you know, to help fuel them on to greatness.

This idea of doing something in spite of the people who opposed you is more than just motivation. It is about contentment, happiness and joy. Is so called ‘greatness’ worth the sadness and depression that comes afterwards? Because once you achieve what you set out for, often there is a cliff that leads to the depths of despair. It is a common experience for Olympic athletes after they finish competing at the highest level.

The quote from Cool Runnings comes to mind, “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

You can use it for just about any other life situation:

  • A good marriage is a wonderful thing
  • Being a father is a wonderful thing
  • Owning a home is a wonderful thing
  • Getting a promotion is a wonderful thing
  • Landing that speaking gig is a wonderful thing
  • Writing a book is a wonderful thing
  • Earning more money is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that game is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that race is a wonderful thing
  • Being a leader is a wonderful thing
  • Having a large following is a wonderful thing

…but if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.

What does it mean to be enough?

It’s contentment. It’s peace. It’s being able to sit in the stillness and quiet – to seek it out even, and to not need anything else.

If you can find that, then that is worth more than gold.

What if I don’t get anything back?

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I have become overprotective of my energy levels. It’s happened slowly, over time, but I have found myself calculating how much energy a task would require before I say yes to do it. Especially if it’s something my kids have asked me to do. Here are two real life examples:

“Dad, let’s go play cricket outside.” Quick calculation of time it would take, energy required, weather conditions, what else I have on for the day, how I could push it off to another time or day, who else could I suggest he play with instead, energy required to say ‘no’ in my most polite and encouraging way.

“Dad, can you read me this book?” Quick calculation as to how long the book is, how much writing is on each page, how small the writing is, whether or not I enjoy the book, what time of day it is, how many other books have I read recently, is there another time that I can push off the book reading to, is there something else I can get them to do instead, who else is around that could read the book, can they read their own book.

Why do I do this? Why not just play some cricket or read a book? Who has ever regretted doing that with their kids?

My problem is that I worry it will never be enough. My kids always want more than I feel I can give. If I play cricket for a bit, they always want just a little bit more. If I read one book (or part thereof because it is super long), then they always seem to want more and it just leaves them disappointed and me annoyed because “they should be grateful for what I give them”, or so I think.

But giving of my energy is just the same as any other part of generosity. It’s not a zero sum game. It’s not about me pouring out everything and the kids taking everything, leaving me with nothing and them with all. Whilst energy is finite (meaning it does run out eventually) the impact of it is not. The relationships, memories and love that it creates compounds over time, which fuels me and gives me energy. It probably takes more energy to calculate why I can say “no” to something than just saying “yes” and doing the thing. But it’s still a struggle.

Breaking News!

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Sometimes the best headlines don’t make it to your feed or in the final edit of a news broadcast. So, here are some of the latest headlines from our family which you have probably missed.

Family gets ready in the morning, arrive at school on time, kids are happy and the environment was supportive.

Dad makes his kids laugh, again.

Kids arrive home from school happy, and ready to eat more food.

Kids have a shower and get ready for bed without complaining.

Bedtime story ends and no one loses their mind because it wasn’t long enough (or too long).

5-year-old says “Thank you” to mum for making her lunch.

These don’t happen every day, and certainly not all the time, but they are genuine headlines from my household. I am sure that there are similar headlines from other households in our neighbourhood. Most likely it is the same in your neighbourhood too.

There is no way you have seen them before because they are not eye catching nor ‘newsworthy’, but they exist, they are good and they are everywhere.

Good news stories exist. You can find them if you look hard enough. Seek them out to make your day better.

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…

Quiet Farty

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It still makes me laugh now when I think about it. My youngest must have been about 3 years old when the discussion about farting became very funny for her. We didn’t want to avoid the awkward subject, and sometimes things got out of hand when one of the kids was described as ‘Farty McFart-Face’ (maybe by me). There was one instance as were sitting around after bath time when the kids were getting ready for bed and I thought I could smell something. My 3 year old looked at me with a cheeky smile and said, “Quiet farty”.

I couldn’t stop laughing. It was, and I think still is, the funniest thing I have ever heard. Sure, it probably helps if you have the maturity of a 3-year-old too.

Those sorts of moments don’t happen unless you give space, unless you dwell in the quiet of the moment. But they are the moments you will remember. That’s the good stuff.

It might feel like there are so many bad things happening. The stuff that we hear about day to day, the loudest things, are unpleasant, tragic, devastating, sad and overwhelming. What is happening in our world? Where are the good things? Where are the good people?

James Clear says that “good things are always happening quietly”. That’s how it has always been. The good things and the good people aren’t as in your face, but they are there and they are stronger than any of the bad things that happen in our world. But they do require that you give yourself space to notice them, that you dwell in the quiet. Take a step back from the noise and the loudness of the bad to see the good happening all around you.

Raise Kind Billionaires

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Before they were world famous, super wealthy, world shaping icons, the world’s richest people were babies, and toddlers, and teenagers. They were shaped by the people closest to them, values were instilled, and beliefs were modelled. How they turned out was heavily influenced by their upbringing.

For example, Bill Gates was always going to give away all his money because that is what he learned from his mother. Whether he became a billionaire or not, generosity was one of his values. Thank God for his mother’s influence (…and maybe his fathers? I don’t know much about that).

You see that small child in front of you, the one in your house that you love so deeply and drives you completely mad that it hurts your head? Or the kid next door? They could be one of the next billionaires in our world. Most likely they will make more money that you. Instil in them the value of generosity now so that it stays with them their whole life, and if they happen to be the richest person in the world they can change it for the better through their giving. Even if they don’t become the richest person in the world, they can still make it a better place through generosity.

Giving in Australia is going up and down. Less people are giving but the ones that are giving, are giving more.

You can shape that culture and it starts with your kids. Teach them about generosity and in doing so, it will make them a kinder person and our world a little bit better.

Acceptance

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“This is for you dad.”

You probably know the look very well. The large, expectant eyes of a small child, that is handing you, what can only be called a ‘picture’.

I’ve lost count of the number of times that I have been given drawings that were supposedly of me, or pieces of half-eaten food, or bits of paper with precious rubbish wrapped up in them by my kids, or other people’s kids as a precious gift. All of which I gratefully accepted, not because I wanted them, but because accepting the gift was an act of generosity. It gave my kids the chance to experience what is was like to give something away that they worked hard on, or meant a lot to them. They could learn about giving gifts that other people would actually want later, in that moment, it was more important for them to experience being generous.

Most people would agree with that. But it doesn’t just stop with kids learning how to give.

There have been other times in my life when someone has tried to be generous to me and I refused the gift. Not because I didn’t want it, but because it felt like too much. I felt insecure and inadequate, and like I would be a freeloader if I accepted it. So, I said no.

There is nothing wrong with saying no, but there are times when accepting a gift is an act of generosity because of what it gives the person who gives it. We know that there are many benefits when we give and it’s important not to rob people of that experience when they are trying to give to us.

In saying that, there are definite times to say ‘no’…(more to come on this)

Being a Dad

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I miss my kids.

I miss my youngest when I leave home in the morning. She is only 8 months old and is adorable. She has one tooth starting to come through. I love her smile. I love coming home to her at the end of the day.

I miss my 4 year old when I drop him off at daycare. He loves it there, he is such a social being. He has a large group of ‘best friends’, and the educators love him there too, but I miss him nonetheless. He is so sweet and energetic and curious and persistent. I hope that I can help him keep those traits as he grows, even though they can be frustrating. I love picking him up at the end of the day.

I miss my eldest son. He is on the brink of being a teenager, always growing and developing. He loves to play computer games and sport (the outdoor type), he is caring and thoughtful, and outrageously funny. He is on the brink of becoming a man. I haven’t seen him since January 19 of this year.

I miss my first born. A delightfully funny and gifted 14 year old. She inspires me with her ability to try something new even if it is scary, to take on challenging life situations whilst maintaining a positive attitude. She messages me at night when she has trouble sleeping and regularly makes me laugh with her quirky sense of humour. I haven’t seen her since January 19 of this year.

I’m really thankful that I get to see two of my children every day. I’m really thankful that I get to communicate with my older children regularly and that they seem to be growing up into amazing humans. I have much to be thankful for, but I miss my kids.

Covid sucks.

But Happy Father’s Day!

What if Bob Marley was Wrong?

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What if every very little thing is not going to be alright?

What if Bob was just trying to make us feel better but instead steered us away from the truth? The truth about life, especially as we experience it in 2020, is that life is difficult. There are challenges and there is suffering. In a culture that likes to be the masters of our own destiny it can be hard to comprehend that every little thing may not be alright. It’s hard to look that in the face.

We can see clearly that everything little thing is not going to be alright for the hundreds of thousands of people who have died from coronavirus. It is not going to be alright for those who weren’t able to say goodbye to loved ones due to travel restrictions as they passed away in hospital. It’s not going to be alright for those who are separated from family members due to hard borders being in place – parents missing out on seeing their kids grow and develop during one of the most challenging times in recent history. You can never get those times back. Saying ‘don’t worry about it’ to those people doesn’t seem to help and nor should it.

So what do we do? Do we just get sucked into the void of depression because ‘life sucks’, things are not always good and not everybody is nice? How do we continue to function? How can we keep putting one foot in front of another and finding the joy in life?

There is great power in naming something. When we can honestly name a situation or experience as tough, overpowering, challenging and just plain sh*t, there is an internal shift. It allows us room to experience the painful emotions, to sit with them and notice them for what they are – emotions that will pass. It’s not blame, it’s not loaded with outrage, it is just a time to express sadness and recognise that not everything is okay. When we can do that, it provides an emotional depth that creates a foundation of greater emotional joy.

Sometimes, everything isn’t going to be alright. But during those times, we don’t need to run from it or pretend it’s not happening, we can sit in it and even find joy in its midst.

Not Just for Kids – A Simple ‘How-to’ Guide

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We love the idea of teaching kids about being generous – because who wants to be the parent of ‘that selfish child’?

No one, that’s who.

But kids learn by osmosis. Just by being in the same proximity as their parents they pick up our patterns of behaviour and attitudes. If you don’t believe me, try swearing once around your small child. I guarantee that will become their new favourite word (or so I’m told, of course I wouldn’t know). Quite simply, if we are not generous then they won’t be.

So, quick, be generous!

But generosity is a muscle – it requires consistent practice. Try giving some money away to a person if you haven’t done it in a while. It’s painful, almost like working out for the first time in a few years.

Here is how we can find a way back to being the generous person we hope our kids turn into when they get older. It just takes some retraining of the ‘generosity muscle’, by doing the following:

  1. Start

This is the hardest part. Making a start. But it doesn’t have to be difficult. Take $5, set it aside and think about someone you love/like/tolerate/loathe and buy them a coffee. Just try it out, they may love it and be thankful, or they may tell you that they hate coffee and throw it in your face – it doesn’t matter either way. This is your training, not theirs.

2. Keep going

Now that you’ve made a start, find other ways to use $5 a week to make someone else’s day better. Coffee, snacks, a card or a small gift. $5 won’t buy much but the amount is not important, it is the intent behind it that matters.

3. Grow

Now that you are in the habit of being generous with $5 a week, take on the challenge of growing it. That can either be through multiple $5 acts of generosity or pooling more money together and making a larger impact on someone. A dinner perhaps, a donation to a charity, buying fuel for someone’s car or groceries for another family. Watch how people respond, but most importantly notice how you feel about yourself.

4. See Progress

Momentum builds and it changes the way you turn up in life. As you progress in your generosity journey, you will create different relationships with those around you because you are approaching them with a generosity mindset. You are becoming a different person now – a better version of you.

5. Bring a Friend

No one likes to travel alone…well some people do, but it’s still nice to have someone around sometimes. Find someone around you and take them on the journey of building their generosity muscle – it will change your life and theirs.

5 simple steps to work your generosity muscle and create a positive change in you, your kids and the world.

Have I missed something? I would love to hear from you!