Tag: Gratitude

The Sun Doesn’t Care

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One time when I was playing Australian Rules Football, I broke my leg so badly that it required two and half hours or surgery, a metal rod, a skin graft and nine days in hospital.

When I was on the brink of heading home after this ordeal, a doctor appeared in my hospital room to check over my wound before being released. I had never seen this doctor before (and didn’t see him again after this brief interaction). He loudly announced that he didn’t like the look of things and was “worried about infection”, so I wasn’t going home that day. Another night in hospital was required.

In the grand scheme of things, one night in hospital is nothing, and I don’t even remember what that extra night felt like now, but at the time it was the worst thing in the world. I just wanted to be home and it seemed to be so far from my reach in that moment.

Sometimes we can feel like we are so far from where we want to be. Like we are trapped in a never-ending loop keeping us from living our real life. Stuck trying to complete the boring stuff so we can get to the interesting part, but the boring stuff never ends.

In those moments, in order to not become bogged in the depths of despair, gratitude is our greatest weapon. Ironically, it can also be the hardest thing to find when we are in that space. The most grateful people that I have come across are those that practice it. They find things to be grateful for in any situation and it comes to them naturally after a while.

If you are curious about gratitude and need a place to start, my go to is to be grateful for sunlight. It sounds a bit simple but it is one of the foundations of life, and it doesn’t come with baggage or opinions.  It shines on the deserving and undeserving. The good and the bad. The happy and the sad. It does not discriminate. I am grateful for that.

P.S.

I made it home from hospital. A day late for sure, but it all worked out, even if it didn’t feel like it would.

Quiet Farty

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It still makes me laugh now when I think about it. My youngest must have been about 3 years old when the discussion about farting became very funny for her. We didn’t want to avoid the awkward subject, and sometimes things got out of hand when one of the kids was described as ‘Farty McFart-Face’ (maybe by me). There was one instance as were sitting around after bath time when the kids were getting ready for bed and I thought I could smell something. My 3 year old looked at me with a cheeky smile and said, “Quiet farty”.

I couldn’t stop laughing. It was, and I think still is, the funniest thing I have ever heard. Sure, it probably helps if you have the maturity of a 3-year-old too.

Those sorts of moments don’t happen unless you give space, unless you dwell in the quiet of the moment. But they are the moments you will remember. That’s the good stuff.

It might feel like there are so many bad things happening. The stuff that we hear about day to day, the loudest things, are unpleasant, tragic, devastating, sad and overwhelming. What is happening in our world? Where are the good things? Where are the good people?

James Clear says that “good things are always happening quietly”. That’s how it has always been. The good things and the good people aren’t as in your face, but they are there and they are stronger than any of the bad things that happen in our world. But they do require that you give yourself space to notice them, that you dwell in the quiet. Take a step back from the noise and the loudness of the bad to see the good happening all around you.

2025 Theme – Choose

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One thing that I have found very easy to do is to feel sorry for myself. It’s almost a natural reflex. When something happens, (and it could be anything), I can find a way for it to seem like a rough experience for me.

Working for an organisation that empowers people to work their way out of poverty, I have firsthand experience in seeing just how challenging life can be for those living in developing countries. This gives me a unique perspective on how good my life is, how easy, how untroubled, how safe. So, how can I possibly feel sorry for myself?

Well, I can still find a way to do just that. The weather is too hot, or too cold. My air-conditioned office is too hot, or too cold. My coffee is too hot, or too cold. I’m so tired today. My kids are too loud. The tv is too loud, or too soft. There is too much to do. There is not enough to do. I’m bored. I’m over stimulated. There’s nothing to watch on my numerous streaming services. I don’t have enough time in the day.

I find myself living in a cognitive dissonance, of knowing that I have a great deal, more than most, to be grateful for, but sulking about how life is hard.

James Clear is one of my favourite authors and this quote is helping me to adjust my thinking for this coming year:

“Different meanings can be assigned to the same events. Look for evidence of how the world is encouraging you, and you will find it. Look for evidence of how the world is burdening you, and you will find it. Choose an explanation that empowers you.”

You find what you look for in life. You get to choose what you look for, and therefore you get to choose what you find.

For me, in 2025 I will choose to look for the encouraging things, for the good things, for the generosity. I will let you know if I find it.

What Drives Healthy Generosity

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Generosity comes into existence through action. People give because they are responding to a situation that they cannot stand anymore. They simply must do something to right a particular wrong, or to create a better version of the current reality.

This imperative comes from a place deep within, and many people who give are not able to articulate exactly why they do. They just feel compelled to do so.

But it comes from values.

Someone places value on human life, and when they see something happening in the world, be it poverty, war, famine or other injustices, that rubs up against their value. Usually they see something that reflects an image of themself. It might be children, or women, or parents.

They then give as a response to their values being challenged.

This is an extremely healthy way to give. It comes from a place of purity. And it is usually the starting point of a giving journey, which begins with that almost visceral response and then eventually leads to a place where an individual has a well thought out philosophy of philanthropy with a portfolio of organisations they support for a number of reasons. But at the heart is the imperative that first prompted their generosity. That never leaves.

What can you do?

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So many things are outside of our control. The world is a big place and things happen quickly. What can one person do to stem the tide of poverty, or racism, or sexism, or any other -ism you can think of?

Why bother, right?

If Frozen 2 has taught us anything, (aside from the fact that sequels can be better than the original and water has memory) it’s that sometimes all we can do is ‘the next right thing’. Sure, it’s an animated kids movie, but this is a healthy philosophy that I would love my kids to encapsulate as they grow up in this world. Heck, I would be proud to be able to say that this is how I live my life.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and overwhelming odds, (be they wind, fire, water or earth spirits…look, just watch the movie), you can still do something. The next thing. The next right thing. Over time, the amount of ‘right things’ you do adds up and begins to make a huge difference.

The challenge in these moments is to figure out what the next right thing is. Let me help you with this – I can guarantee that it has something to do with generosity.

Nobody has any idea…

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If event A happens right before event B, does that mean that A caused B? It’s hard to say that it doesn’t.

That’s why so many professional athletes have ‘lucky’ items of clothing that they wear – they played a great game once and decided that it was partly because they were wearing a specific pair of underwear. Now it makes up part of their pre-game ritual, even though it stinks and has holes in it.

This philosophy has birthed thousands of ‘experts’ who can share the ‘secrets of their success’, and if it has worked for them, you can do it too and it will work for you, guaranteed*. But somehow their secrets seem to fall short for most people.

At best, the greatest advice anyone can give you is, “Here’s what I have done that has worked for me…so far.”

But luck, timing, and other things outside of our control make up about 90% of all success.

Where you were born, your access to education, meeting the right person at the right time, being the in the right place and the right time, none of these things have anything to do with your ability.

Sometimes success comes in spite of what we did and who we are, and looking back we are not sure how it happened because we did everything ‘wrong’.

I’ve often heard it said, ‘no one has any idea what they are doing, they are just making it up as the go along.’

If that is true, it’s an uncomfortable reality because surely someone knows what is going on and how to do this life thing, someone must be in charge of it all? Maybe not.

Does this mean there is nothing we can learn outside of our own experience? Of course not, but it is important to have the perspective that nothing is guaranteed, and what we think is the ‘silver bullet’ may not be.

It is possible that right now, the thing that you are most sure about in life is based on an incorrect assumption. Whilst that seems unlikely, what is more likely is that the thing you are most sure about in life is based on a partial truth.

So, what do we do with this, seemingly, pessimistic perspective?

I always bring it back to the knowledge that some things are always good for us. Sleep. Eating well. Family/relationships. Generosity. Spiritual endeavours. If we do those things we know that if everything else if life falls over because of something outside of your control, you will still have everything you need.

*not a guarantee

Not Afraid

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When we are laughing we are not afraid – Stephen Colbert

I fear a lot of things. Family members getting sick, failure, rejection, bad coffee.

We know that fear can cripple us, and keep us from moving forward. The fight, flight, freeze response comes to mind.

Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of troubles in my life, most of which never happened”.

Stoic Philosopher, Seneca said, “Perhaps the worst will happen, perhaps not, until then, look forward to better things“.

What are we afraid of?

What comes to mind, the worst thing that could happen, is death. One day I will die, and so will you. It is unavoidable, yet, I know I do all that I can to avoid it. Keep healthy, eat well, see the doctor, find ways to relax. But even after all that it is not going to work.

What I fear will come to pass. It will happen someday. Hopefully not someday soon, but it comes for us all.

My grandmother used to tell me, “Kieran, whatever you do, don’t get old” to which I would respond, “Okay grandma, I’ll give it a try but I’m not sure how successful I will be”. Then she would chuckle.

That’s what I remember about her, her sense of humour. And I think it made those times, as she was getting older, easier to handle. Because as you laugh at things, it takes the heaviness and perceived seriousness out of life.

It can be easy to create a serious persona, and get caught up thinking that everything in our life is so important, and so many decisions are life or death. But, if we allow laughter in, even decisions that are legitimately life or death, don’t feel as if they are life or death, more like life and death.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift…

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One way to give someone else a gift, is to let them give a gift to you.

Don’t let that be the only way that you give other people a gift, because that would mean you are a taker, possibly a bit of a jerk, but accepting a gift well is an underrated skill.

How do you respond when someone gives you a gift?

“You shouldn’t have”

“You spent too much”

“That wasn’t necessary”

“But I didn’t get you anything”

Here’s a reminder: You are allowed to be on the receiving end of an act of generosity. It’s okay if someone gives you something nice. Some people are wired to express their love and gratitude more through giving gifts.

If you refuse it, you are getting in the way of someone else having the joy of giving. If you don’t receive it well then it can tarnish the whole experience for everyone.

The only thing to say when you receive a gift is “thank you”.

If you must, you can add “you are very kind”, or “I love it”. That’s it.

By just accepting it graciously, you are ensuring that generosity is going both ways.

I must add that the above does not apply if someone is trying to manipulate or coerce you through giving gifts. That’s downright shady behaviour and you have every right to refuse that. Forcefully if necessary.

A gift for you

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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. – James Clear

I have been hurt. So have you. Somewhere along the line we have all been on the receiving end of behaviour that is rude, thoughtless, violent, offensive, toxic, troublesome – you name it. And it can cut deep. It causes pain which doesn’t just disappear.

The importance of forgiveness…

But carrying hurt around, staying angry, storing the pain in a section of our mind so we can revisit it time and time again, only perpetuates the hurt. It keeps the wound from healing. The strange part about that is it has no effect on the person who hurt us in the slightest.

How to forgive…

Now I don’t pretend to be the expert of how to forgive someone, I know it has something to do with letting go of the anger and working to get to a place where we are not reliving the experience, eventually even wishing the person well in their life. There’s no three step process for this unfortunately, you can do your own research on what may work best for you, but I can tell you that once you get to the point where you can forgive, it is an amazing gift for yourself. You will feel lighter, happier, healthier and be able to live your life without the constant threat of being thrust into pain and anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them do it again…

Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you automatically invite them back into your life where they can do the same thing again. Forgiveness doesn’t go hand in hand with trust. I can forgive you for crashing my car, but that doesn’t mean you still get to drive my car. The damage can be fixed, but it is costly and not one that I am willing to pay twice.

So, I can forgive someone for hurting me, giving myself a gift, making my way through life lighter, happier and healthier, whilst having solid boundaries in place to protect me from future hurt.

Good Things

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I think we all have an innate sense to hold on to what we have. Loss Aversion is a strong cognitive bias which suggests the pain of losing something is twice as bad as the pleasure of gaining something. So, we hold on.

As you could imagine, this bias makes it very difficult to be generous. Giving something away is at odds with Loss Aversion. It goes against everything that we feel is right.

The result of this, if left unchecked, is that we can become stuck in a place where we don’t want to give anything up, which could be holding us back from taking the next step, from growing. Specifically, when it comes to money, loss aversion can create stinginess, keeping us in a small, dark place where the accumulation of money is the only focus.

To overcome the obstacle of Loss Aversion, it is best to give some money away. When you do that two things happen:

  1. Something shifts within you.

The psychological impact of giving money away allows you to see the world differently. What you thought would be a loss, turns out to be something different. Not only does it feel good to do good, but giving money away shows you that you don’t need as much as you think and it lessens the burden of seeking to accumulate.

2. Something shifts in the world.

Both in the way you see the world and the actual world. All of a sudden, the world appears to you as a place that is redeemable. A place that you can make a difference to and one that is filled with good people trying to do good things.

The world will also be a better place because you have put some money in the hands of those good people trying to do good things.

Overcome loss aversion. Give some money away and see the difference it makes to you and the world.