Tag: Giving

Should I put up more of a fight?

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

“Here you go.” Guy hands me free bread.

“Thanks, that’s really lovely”. I take it and walk out.

It was really thoughtful because I wanted to buy this bread the week before but they ran out. The guy who worked there remembered that and sought to make amends. He didn’t have to do that. I was not upset with him or his establishment, it’s just one of those things that happens. Sometimes other people buy stuff before you get there. That’s okay.

I was pretty excited about my free bread though.

As I was reflecting on it, I wondered if he knew how pleased I was? Was I thankful enough? Should I have pushed back so that he knew I understood it was a big deal? Kind of like:

Guy handing me free bread: “Here you go”

Me: “I couldn’t possible take it, let me pay.”

Guy with bread: “No, that’s fine. It’s my gift to you.”

Me: “Are you sure? I feel like I’m ripping you off.”

Guy with bread: “Of course it’s fine. This is my shop, I can do what I want and I what I want to do is to give you free bread.”

Me: “At least let me pay a little.”

Guy with bread: “Just take the damn bread!”

Okay, that was maybe a little over the top, but you get my drift. What is the right amount of hesitation before taking a gift?

Honestly, I don’t think it really matters. Maybe a little hesitation and push back is good, but we need to make sure we don’t stand in the way of someone else getting the joy of being generous to us.

Accidentally Generous

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

Back when $50 was a lot of money, I went out for a dinner with friends that I couldn’t really afford. It was my last $50 before pay day the next week. We were all light on cash but went out anyway.

I ordered a miserly meal so that I would get enough change to make my way through the next few days. As it came time to pay I thought we were pooling money together and divvying up appropriate change. I handed my $50 to one of my friends, who took it as if I was paying for his dinner as well – thanked me, winked and walked off to pay. He thought I was being generous. I was not. Deciding not to run after him to create an incredibly awkward situation of it all, I let it happen. I guess you could say I was accidentally generous.

I don’t remember how I got through the next few days, but I made it through alive obviously. It’s only in time that I realise it costs less to be generous that we think. The idea of giving money to someone or something else feels as if it will hurt, but in reality the benefit it brings far outweighs the cost or pain we might feel in giving it.

So, don’t wait for it to happen by accident. Be generous on purpose.

Entitlement and Generosity

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

“Hey! I’m going through a hard time here!”

It’s hard to argue with someone who is going through something tough. We’ve all been there too, when life becomes especially challenging, it is amazing to have good people around to show a little extra grace and thoughtfulness during that time, to be on the receiving end of their generosity for a bit.

But, what happens when someone stays there, or lives there permanently? There are those that you may come across who are always going through a tough time in life, and are constantly on the receiving end of people’s generosity. If they tire out the people around them, that’s okay, they find new people to feel sorry for them and be generous. They are a constant victim. They are the entitled victim.

Entitlement says, “You should be generous to me because my life is hard. You owe me.” That type of victim behaviour damages relationships and people. It is toxic and unhealthy.

We should always seek to be generous to those around us who are going through a challenging time. I have experienced that and it is wonderful.

And sometimes being generous to someone requires calling them out on their entitlement and putting healthy boundaries in place.

C’mon Kieran

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I say it audibly multiple times a day.

When I get distracted from something important. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I forget a word that I am trying to think of. “C’mon Kieran”.

When I remember something stupid I did or said 20 years ago. “C’mon Kieran”.

It’s not a nice, encouraging “C’mon Kieran” either. It’s more of a scold, to small child, sometimes followed up with a “Get it together mate” and a disapproving shake of my head.

On my best days I slip in a “You can do this”.

Thank goodness I work in an office by myself.

I can’t be the only one whose most unfriendly, judgemental voice, is their own.

It’s a hard habit to break because it requires rewiring years of behaviour that is so ingrained that I don’t realise it’s happening until I hear myself say the words out loud.

As frustrating as that part is, the most devastating part shows up when I hear that same voice coming from me, speaking to my kids because that is absolutely not how I want to communicate to them.

I want to be encouraging and uplifting with quality boundaries so they can thrive in life. But instead, I just hear “Get it together mate” aimed at little people who don’t deserve that, which makes me feel guilty and the next thing I hear from me is “C’mon Kieran, get it together mate”, followed by a disapproving shake of my head. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve always said that self-generosity is hard. It’s a complicated part of the generosity family which, like any part, takes intentional effort. It may be that it is also one of the most important parts of, not only generosity, but also being a person. To be able to give yourself grace for the times you get distracted, or forget a word, or for when you did or said something stupid in the past, will make you a more generous person to those around you.

The key is intentionality. Even after the fact. Recognising that you were doing the best you could with what you had at that time, that it wasn’t perfect, and that you can grow and get better.

For me, I am aiming for more days when my “C’mon Kieran” sounds a little more encouraging in tone and has “you’ve got this” added to the end.

The Banquet

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

“Sooner or later we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.” Robert Louis Stevenson

Another way to put it is, ‘you reap what you sow’, or ‘all of your chickens will come home to roost’.

If you act selfishly, keeping others at a distance, living in a zero-sum style, you will damage relationships, people and places. Over time, at some stage you will be faced with the fruit of that sort of lifestyle.

But it’s not just a negative situation. If you spend time acting generously, loving others, giving time and space for those in your life, then you will sit down to a banquet of generous, loving, timely and spacious consequences.

It can be hard to be generous. I should know, I have been talking about it for years and still have moments of utter selfishness, but even in the striving for generous acts there is a reward that comes to others and, yes, to you too. The reward is relational for sure, but also financial. (See Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take).

This reward is not the reason that we strive for generosity, but it is the fruit that comes as a result of the actions. Being generous brings good things.

What on earth can we do?

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

Poet and novelist Hermann Hesse said,

“To hold our tongues when everyone is gossiping,

to smile without hostility at people and institutions,

to compensate for the shortage of love in the world with more love in small, private matters;

to be more faithful in our work,

to show greater patience,

to forgo the cheap revenge obtainable from mockery and criticism:

all these are things we can do.”

If you are struggling with what to do, if you are unsure about what action to take next, if you don’t know where to from here, read through the quote again and pick one. All of them are acts of generosity.

There is always a problem

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I’ve been trying to find a way to explain this concept which doesn’t result in depression.

Life is struggle, challenges, unexpected problems, obstacles, sickness, tiredness, and yes, depression.

Not all the time, but often and frequently.

At the same time, life is also joy, happiness, peace, completion, overcoming, laughter, fun and yes, exhilaration. We don’t experience these things in spite of the first list, but because of them.

We can experience joy in overcoming the struggle and challenges. We can experience peace in the turmoil of unexpected problems. We can experience fun and laughter in the shadow of the obstacles. We can experience a sense of completion amongst the tiredness.

But, it never ends. There is always another struggle and challenge to replace the one you have just overcome, and sometimes there are struggles and challenges that are with us always. (Cue the depression again).

So, we learn to find joy and rest in the struggle. Because when we look back, our greatest accomplishments were completed against the wind. The things we are most proud of usually are the things we achieved when the odds were against us, it was hard and we waded through some deep, tumultuous times to get there.

Don’t let it get you down. Find a way to be grateful for the challenges which are a creating a pathway for you to overcome them and achieve more than you thought possible.

The Generosity of Confidence

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

“Confidence is your ability to see yourself as flawed, as imperfect, but still hold yourself in high regard.” – Esther Perel, quoting a friend.

For some, confidence is all about bravado. About ‘faking it til you make it’. About focusing only on the good things and covering over anything that is bad so that no one sees it, and so it doesn’t exist. It is strength. It is power. It is arrogance.

They also would consider humility a weakness, and something to be avoided at all costs because you ‘cannot be strong and humble’.

I strongly disagree.

There is a strength that comes with being self-aware enough to know that you are flawed, and you are imperfect, but at the same time you can be confident in who you are and what you bring.

Failing to recognise your flaws and imperfections is not strength, or confidence. That is weakness. Everyone else can see it. Even if you think you are excellent at hiding it, it seeps out. Everyone knows you are flawed and imperfect. Don’t kid yourself, because you would be the only person you are kidding.

This humble strength is innately generous. It gives you space to recognise that you aren’t what you want to be yet, but even so, who you are right now is awesome. You can be confident in that.

Get Out of Your Head

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity GuyLeave a comment

I sometimes have what I call an ‘out of body experience’ where I almost come to terms with the fact that I can only view the world through my own eyes in this present moment, but at the same time there are billions of other people doing exactly the same thing, and this has been happening my entire life, and I assume for a long time before that (I don’t actually know, I wasn’t there but people I know were). How can I balance the entire weight of human history and everything that has ever been done with the reality that I can only experience this moment by myself in my own head. It’s like the sound of one hand clapping, or a tree falling in the woods etc.

Being inside my head is mostly boring I admit, but at times it can be a chaotic, trippy and enlightening place. The problem is that if I stay that I get so caught up in my own thoughts and feelings that I feed my selfishness and offer no value to those around me.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe for you it’s a different experience of a downward spiral of troubling thoughts, or unhappy feelings, or a land of insecurity. But generally getting stuck in your own head with your own thoughts for too long doesn’t end well.

The greatest weapon we have against selfishness, unhelpful thoughts or feelings or insecurity when we get caught in our own heads, is generosity. There is a reason that on the steps in the 12 Step Groups, is to ask their members to be of service because it helps them get out of their own heads.

When you do something for someone else it is a circuit breaker for your own thoughts and feelings. Being of use to another person stops your downward spiral, even for a moment, and helps you see that there is a whole world of people right in front of you, who you can do something for.

That is of greater value that any ‘out of body’ experience I can create for myself.

The Real Reason for Generosity

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity Guy2 Comments

There are so many reasons to give. So many positives. So many benefits for everyone involved.

Many of these are on the periphery of the actual act.

When it comes down to it, the main reason why you should give is the difference that it makes in the lives of those who benefit from your generosity.

No matter the motivations for giving, the different ways, or the different reasons, one thing that connects every generous act is the impact the giving has.

I saw it. The courage of a women who just lost her husband through the COVID pandemic, left to raise three children on her own, who took a loan to create a business and a sustainable income. Who found a way forward with her life after going through the depths of tragedy and poverty. The giving from people in Australia made this type of difference possible. Tara inspired me. So did her children.

So, I choose to give to an organisation that works internationally, that is accredited through the Australian Government, that reports back on the impact it is having. You may choose to do it differently, but the reason you give is the same as the reason I do. Something needs to change and I am in a position to help change it.