Tag: Love

Even a little bit…

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Over the last decade I have discovered the power of taking small, consistent actions. I have created little habits that have served me well. Whether it is exercise, reading or dental hygiene, my small, daily actions have built up over time to help me create the type of life that I want.

It will not surprise you though, that some parts of life are still a struggle. If discovered that I am yet to master every element of the human experience, not matter how many tiny habits I put into place.

Sometimes I become overwhelmed at the gap that I see between where I am and where I want to be. Especially when it comes to the relationship that I have with those that I am closest to, or the way that I turn up every day. I am yet to become the type of person that jumps out of bed in the morning and exudes joy for the new day.

It is disheartening to see the good things that I could bring to those around me if I had a better attitude but not be able to do it. Why bother then? Why not slip into grumpiness and save the energy from trying if I’m just going to fail anyway?

I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Psychologist, Leanne Tran on the Generosity Podcast, when she said that, as parents, “we only need to get it right 30% of the time for our kids to become securely attached”. That’s 3 out of 10. What would be considered a failure in all areas of academia, and most other areas of life (outside of some sport which is interesting), is enough for our kids to flourish.

“Even a little bit of truth and love goes a long way” – Father Richard Rohr

This quote from Richard Rohr carries a huge amount of weight. Even if you can’t do it every time…even if you can’t do it most of the time, if you can do it right now then “even a little bit of truth and love goes a long way”.

Never underestimate the power of one positive action.

What you love…

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Complete this sentence with 3 or 4 things:

“I hate….”

Now try this one:

“I love…”

Which one is easier for you?

I have found that it can be easier to list all of the things that I hate, that I am against, that are evil in the world, because they are the things that stand out. We are wired to look for dangers, bad actors and things that can come to ruin us. This is helpful as it can keep us safe from said dangers, actors and things. The problem comes when we focus only on the things that we need to avoid or stand up against, because it can cripple our ability to care for, and celebrate with, others. It can stifle our ongoing journey into love. It can kill generosity.

I get it though, dislike takes less energy than like. It costs nothing to be against something…at the start. But being able to find the things that genuinely make your pulse quicken, that get you out of bed in the morning, that you find yourself spending time on and thinking about even though you are not paid to do so, will create so much more emotional, physical and psychological benefits than listing the things you hate.

If you focus on what you love, what you are for, it will bring so much more to you and those around you.

As James Clear says, “You are more than your frustrations. Build your identity around what you love.”

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…

You don’t know what you want

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If you had no financial restrictions and could have anything you wanted in the world, what would you do?

Buy a massive house, maybe a mansion? Cars. Cars for sure. Expensive ones, fast ones, colourful ones, ones that make other people look. Clothes as well. The nicest suits, or dresses, or whatever people wear.

How great would that be, living the dream?

But would it be great?

If you have ever moved from a small home into a larger home, you will know that, whilst it is probably nice to have more space, sometimes you will miss the smaller, more intimate life you left behind.

There are always unintended consequences for the decisions we make.

I have talked about lottery winners before, and Adrian Bayford is another example. After winning almost £150m in 2012 he bought a seven-bedroom luxury mansion with his wife. Now, with his new fiancé, he is moving back to live with his mum in the 4-bedroom house he bought for her. He longs for the simple life, how things were before he was mega rich.

We think we want more and bigger. But what we really want is family and love. You can’t buy those things. When faced with unlimited options, we don’t know what we want, but I can guarantee you that money doesn’t change you, it only makes you more of what you already are.

Or as Notorious B.I.G put it, “Mo money mo problems”.

What on earth can we do?

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Poet and novelist Hermann Hesse said,

“To hold our tongues when everyone is gossiping,

to smile without hostility at people and institutions,

to compensate for the shortage of love in the world with more love in small, private matters;

to be more faithful in our work,

to show greater patience,

to forgo the cheap revenge obtainable from mockery and criticism:

all these are things we can do.”

If you are struggling with what to do, if you are unsure about what action to take next, if you don’t know where to from here, read through the quote again and pick one. All of them are acts of generosity.

People Aren’t Dumb

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“People aren’t dumb. The world is hard.” Richard Thaler

Managing your finances is hard. Planning for retirement is hard. Holding down a job is hard. Balancing priorities between family and work is hard.

It’s easy to think that people who struggle in one or more areas of life are dumb, but there is so much assumed knowledge as you become an adult. If someone doesn’t take you aside and teach you about everyday things like Medicare, private health insurance, car insurance, the importance of superannuation, then it’s possible you may never know how to manage them.

Add to that, sometimes, just getting through the day is a challenge, let alone trying to keep it all together, feeding all the people in the house, paying all the bills and planning ahead. It takes a lot to be a person.

What if we thought the best of each other. What if we put judgement aside and gave the people in our lives some slack. They aren’t dumb, they aren’t awful, the world is hard and they are just different from us.

It’s that sort of generous outlook as we think about other people that gives us the space to accept people for who they are, and where they are right now. We all want everyone to try and get better as a person (I know I want that for me and those around me), but some people wont change. Who they are today is who they will be. That’s okay.

We all manage the tension of loving people for who they are and at the same time hoping for something more for them. But the world is hard. Let’s love people (and ourselves) in this moment and let tomorrow take care of tomorrow.

People & Things – Advice for people

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People are multidimensional. Some have suggested that there are many ‘selves’ which live in our brains, so who we are in any given moment is dependent on which ‘self’ is at the wheel. Try talking to a toddler when they are hungry, or tired or in desperate need of the toilet. You will get three different responses, probably three different types of anger. Same person though, but very different to the person they are when they are having a great time jumping on the trampoline.

Adults are just more complex, larger versions of toddlers.

Therefore, you can’t take a single action that someone performs and generalise who they are as a person. You might have caught them at a bad moment, a rough day, a moment of weakness, or a difficult season. Also, people can be capable of extraordinary acts of kindness and love in one moment, and then be a jerk to someone else the next. Some of the most vile people that have ever lived could still have moments when they were a loving parent.

“Stuff can be two things” Jake Peralta

We can be both loving and a jerk.

The person that you live with, or know very well, or are having a disagreement at work/on the internet with, is more than just the things that they say and do.

In saying that, Aristotle is credited with this quote, ‘You are what you repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit.’

Who we are as a person is deeper than the things that we do, but what we consistently do, shapes our person.

Excellence and love and kindness and generosity are a habit. So is being a jerk. So create the habits which will allow you to become the type of person that you want to be.

How to ‘Success’

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Success.

What the heck is it? Is it winning? Being the first to do something? Achievement? Is someone else’s failure the cost of your success? Is it a destination? Does it disappear?

I’ve talked about it before, but it keeps coming back to me, Bob Dylan’s take on happiness and unhappiness being ‘yuppie’ words. Words for people who already have alot in life.

It’s the same with many definitions of success. I have heard people talk about the job, the car, the house, the boat, the influence that they want so that they would be considered a success. These are yuppie words. These are words used by people who are so entitled they don’t even realise where they are.

There is nothing wrong with striving for these things, but if they don’t come and you feel like a failure as a result, then you are drastically lost in life.

About 80% of people worldwide don’t own a car. Does that mean that 80% of people are not achieving success?

There are about 33 million recreational boats in the world. So, at best, 99.5% of people in the world don’t own a boat. Are they all not achieving success?

These measurements are so ‘first world’ that it is painful to watch.

The beauty of success is that each person gets to define it for themselves. No one can tell you what your life must look like to be successful. You get to create your own path and that path is much more than the things you accumulate on the way. It includes things like quality relationships, the positive impact you have on others, what you can create.

I think that any successful life starts with a sense of gratitude. A true understanding of what we already have. If I have a roof over my head, food on my table, a family who loves me and a job with purpose, then that seems pretty successful to me.

Happiness Comes

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“You need to give him some space.” I don’t know how many times I have said that to my kids over the last couple of years. They love our dog so much. Too much sometimes. They smother him with their affection and occasionally it will get too much for him and he will stand up and move away. He never gets upset with them, but in his patient, caring way, he communicates that he has had enough of their love and requires some space.

The kids don’t really understand and get upset about it, to which I reply, “Just wait. He will come back when he is ready, and when you have settled down a bit. But the more you chase him the more he will avoid you”.

It got me thinking about happiness and a quote from Viktor Frankl:

“Happiness cannot be pursued. It must ensue. One must have a reason to be happy”.

What I think he is saying is that happiness is not the goal of life. The pursuit of happiness is folly. If we pursue meaning, that will bring about happiness. Happiness will come after we find our meaning.

Meaning, for most of us, is usually based around the people in our life. Our families, friends, people we serve in our career, or in the community. If we can find it, then happy moments will appear, even if there are challenges and difficulties.

The more we chase after happiness, the more it will avoid us. Once we find our meaning, and have settled down a bit, happiness will come to us.

You are an extra

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You are an extra in someone else’s movie

Sure, you are the main character in yours but for the majority of the world, you don’t even have a name or a plot line. Maybe you are ‘guy/girl who walks across the screen’, but that’s about it.

It’s important to keep that in mind because it can be so easy to get caught up in our own narrative and think that my story or experience is the only one that matters, and everyone else is playing a supporting role for my benefit. Which is a dangerous place to operate from because getting so wrapped up in ‘me’ and ‘my world’ pushes everyone else and their needs the periphery.

“Why should that matter?” I hear you ask…well, it’s simple. If everyone in the world was all about ‘want’ and ‘take’, we would consume everyone and everything in our paths. But people have value, and how we treat those around us creates the culture for the world we live in. Also, selfishness is not good for us. That goes for individuals, teams, companies, countries and the world.

What is good for us is generosity. Giving to other people, be that time, energy, love, money – whatever you have to offer, will benefit them but also you. Giving is good for you.

So, you are an extra in someone else’s movie. You are not the centre of the universe. It might sound depressing but the good news is that you can be the best extra in someone else’s movie today. Just by being kind, friendly and smiling at someone else, you can create an amazing scene which will impact how the rest of their story plays out.