Tag: Gratitude

Go for Gold

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity Guy1 Comment

“Someone once told me that I would never amount to anything. I showed them.”

I have heard that statement so often as people have shared their story about how they became a ‘success’ and what fueled them to get there. On the face of it, it appears that some of the greatest inventions, businesses, sporting feats have grown out of strong desire to ‘prove the haters wrong’.

I can’t help by think that maybe I’m doing my kids a dis-service by giving them encouragement and telling them that they can do hard things. Perhaps I should be telling them they will never be able to do it, and they won’t amount to anything, you know, to help fuel them on to greatness.

This idea of doing something in spite of the people who opposed you is more than just motivation. It is about contentment, happiness and joy. Is so called ‘greatness’ worth the sadness and depression that comes afterwards? Because once you achieve what you set out for, often there is a cliff that leads to the depths of despair. It is a common experience for Olympic athletes after they finish competing at the highest level.

The quote from Cool Runnings comes to mind, “A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”

You can use it for just about any other life situation:

  • A good marriage is a wonderful thing
  • Being a father is a wonderful thing
  • Owning a home is a wonderful thing
  • Getting a promotion is a wonderful thing
  • Landing that speaking gig is a wonderful thing
  • Writing a book is a wonderful thing
  • Earning more money is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that game is a wonderful thing
  • Winning that race is a wonderful thing
  • Being a leader is a wonderful thing
  • Having a large following is a wonderful thing

…but if you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.

What does it mean to be enough?

It’s contentment. It’s peace. It’s being able to sit in the stillness and quiet – to seek it out even, and to not need anything else.

If you can find that, then that is worth more than gold.

You’re ability to spot a problem is a gift, but not yet thanks.

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Some people are incredibly gifted. They have an eye which notices things that others don’t. They can spot a problem, an issue, a possible negative outcome in an instant and from a mile away. You might know someone like that. You might be someone like that.

Having people like that around is vital to make things work. But…

If this type of thinking happens too early in the process of creation it can kill innovation, dreams and wonderful ideas. It can create a culture where the word ‘can’t’ is the final verdict on most things.

To overcome these sort of situations I have been channelling Rob Lowe’s character, Dean Sanderson in The Grinder. The only thing I remember clearly about the show is that his character continued to find himself in situations where there was no possible way forward and what he wanted to do was so far fetched everyone around him was saying that it couldn’t be done. His response has now become my favourite saying:

“But what if we could?”

What if it was possible? What would that look like? If we could do it, then where would that take us? What would happen as a result?

It’s not just blind optimism, it is a generous, practical thought process that can allow new ideas to develop. You don’t even have put the ideas into practice but the process of imagining what is possible, if it could be done, creates a place of freedom and generous creativity.

“It’s always seems impossible until it’s done.” Nelson Mandela.

KFC for the Soul

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KFC can be nice on occasion. KFC chips are a specialty in our household. Not everyday mind you, not even every week. It’s probably been a few months since we last stopped past and picked some up. It was a nice treat.

That aside, KFC is bad for you. If you were to eat it every day, for every meal it would destroy your body and general health, as well as your negatively impact your mental health.

In the same way, Johann Hari notes that “materialism is like KFC for the soul”. It’s nice once in a while, but if you live in it all day everyday it will destroy your body and general health, as well as negatively impact your mental health.

Materialism is devastating because of the continuous infiltration of messaging in our lives that tells us that to feel better, to look better, to find more love, to overcome our sadness and depression and anxiety we just need to buy more, to upgrade, to get another one, to get a newer one, to have more than one. By doing that we will find happiness, purpose, and everything we have ever dreamed of. Except we don’t.

The crazy thing about this is that we know it. We know that buying stuff doesn’t solve anything long term. We get a nice feeling in the moment but it doesn’t last long enough to get the newly purchased item home before the sadness starts to sneak back in.

One of the methods to help overcome our emotional challenges is to focus less on the self and more of ‘we’. Giving to other people, through time, money and expertise, can help overcome the isolation that depression and anxiety can bring. Generosity is the superfood for the soul. It is so good for us it is almost beyond belief, but it’s real. You can’t have too much of it either, that’s how good it is for you.

Vicarious Joy

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We are encouraged to live life ourselves, to experience things firsthand, to not live life as a spectator, watching others do wonderful things. Which I totally agree with…mostly.

One minor proviso, and it is around joy.

One of the best things we can do is to celebrate other people. Their successes. Their good fortune. Their hard work. Their awards. Their happiness. Their joy.

It may not come naturally, (it doesn’t to me), but it is something that we can work on over time to shift our thinking and spend time contemplating those in our lives. Think about each person that we love and be thankful for them, happy for them, joyful for them for all that is going right in their lives. You don’t even have to share it with them if you don’t want to.

Once you do that, think about those in your life that are neutral, neither love nor hate, and do the same thing.

Then, you guessed it, work your way towards thinking on those that you hate, those that have hurt you, those that have caused you some issues*, and contemplate thankfulness, happiness and joy.

If you can do that, it will literally change your brain and how you perceive the world.

*I’m not suggesting this as a tool to try if you have people who have genuinely caused you trauma, please see a professional.

What if I don’t get anything back?

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I have become overprotective of my energy levels. It’s happened slowly, over time, but I have found myself calculating how much energy a task would require before I say yes to do it. Especially if it’s something my kids have asked me to do. Here are two real life examples:

“Dad, let’s go play cricket outside.” Quick calculation of time it would take, energy required, weather conditions, what else I have on for the day, how I could push it off to another time or day, who else could I suggest he play with instead, energy required to say ‘no’ in my most polite and encouraging way.

“Dad, can you read me this book?” Quick calculation as to how long the book is, how much writing is on each page, how small the writing is, whether or not I enjoy the book, what time of day it is, how many other books have I read recently, is there another time that I can push off the book reading to, is there something else I can get them to do instead, who else is around that could read the book, can they read their own book.

Why do I do this? Why not just play some cricket or read a book? Who has ever regretted doing that with their kids?

My problem is that I worry it will never be enough. My kids always want more than I feel I can give. If I play cricket for a bit, they always want just a little bit more. If I read one book (or part thereof because it is super long), then they always seem to want more and it just leaves them disappointed and me annoyed because “they should be grateful for what I give them”, or so I think.

But giving of my energy is just the same as any other part of generosity. It’s not a zero sum game. It’s not about me pouring out everything and the kids taking everything, leaving me with nothing and them with all. Whilst energy is finite (meaning it does run out eventually) the impact of it is not. The relationships, memories and love that it creates compounds over time, which fuels me and gives me energy. It probably takes more energy to calculate why I can say “no” to something than just saying “yes” and doing the thing. But it’s still a struggle.

Baby Steps

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Generosity is innate within us, of this I am sure. It’s what we choose to do with it that impacts how much of a role it plays in later life.

Studies of toddlers less than 18 months old show that they are likely to help out others to acquire out-of-reach objects and opening cupboards for them. Now this happens whether there is a reward or a commendation from adults around them. In fact, it turns out that external rewards undermined the tendency to help.

Here are the things this teaches us:

Young children are motivated intrinsically to help out, rather than by external rewards. They are motivated by the desire to see someone else helped rather than to be seen to provide help. And they are less likely to help when asked or encouraged to do so.

That general generosity is in every human. In you and me. You are intrinsically motivated to help people. You are motived more by the desire to see someone else helped than to provide the help and if someone tells you to be generous you are less inclined to do it.

(That last one put me in spot because that’s my whole thing…)

Young children are pro-social. You are pro-social. We lose it if we don’t practice.

See study info here and here

It’s Foolish Not To…

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“There’s such a strong association between wellbeing and altruism that it would be foolish not to live altruistically,” Steve Taylor, Senior Lecturer at Leeds Becket University

Being kind and generous to other people is so good for you, it’s silly if you don’t do it. That’s essentially what Steve Taylor is saying. There has been a long history of scientific and anecdotal studies that have backed this up for decades. There have also been religious and theological philosophies which have touted this for centuries and millennia. Why do we still struggle to do it? Why do I find it so hard to be kind and generous to people around me? Why do I get so caught up in my own head and self-centredness that I don’t see what I can do for others?

One of the greatest contradictions in life (I think so anyway) is that motivation to do something comes after you have first started to do the thing. You have to ‘do’ before you ‘feel’.

It’s the same with generosity. First comes the action, then comes the good feeling, followed by the motivation to do more good in the world, and then the good feeling again.

You are doing yourself a dis-service by being stingy. The good news is that this can shift with just the smallest of actions. Do something tiny for someone else. Notice how it makes you feel and dwell on it. This will fuel you to do more and dramatically improve your wellbeing.

Nobody Wins

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Pull the curtain back a little on anyone and you will see the truth. The show on the stage of their life may look amazing. It’s shiny, clean, tight and in sync. Boy, what a performance.

But behind the scenes it’s another story. What happens back of stage is vastly different from what is on show.

If something looks too good to be true, then it probably is. Like Father Richard Rohr said, “Nobody wins. We all pretend.”

Nobody has the perfect life. Nobody has the perfect family. Nobody has the perfect job. Nobody is happy all the time. We are all pretending.

This is great news because it allows you and me to be kind to ourselves when things are tough. When things aren’t perfect. When we fall short of our hopes. When we let ourselves down by not being who we wish we were. When we fail.

It also means that you don’t have to pretend. Be kind to yourself and embrace who you are right now, in this moment.

Also, what happens back of stage always seeps to the front of stage eventually. Our reality will overcome our pretend. So, we can stop (or at least slow down) the pretend and live more in the reality.

Breaking News!

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Sometimes the best headlines don’t make it to your feed or in the final edit of a news broadcast. So, here are some of the latest headlines from our family which you have probably missed.

Family gets ready in the morning, arrive at school on time, kids are happy and the environment was supportive.

Dad makes his kids laugh, again.

Kids arrive home from school happy, and ready to eat more food.

Kids have a shower and get ready for bed without complaining.

Bedtime story ends and no one loses their mind because it wasn’t long enough (or too long).

5-year-old says “Thank you” to mum for making her lunch.

These don’t happen every day, and certainly not all the time, but they are genuine headlines from my household. I am sure that there are similar headlines from other households in our neighbourhood. Most likely it is the same in your neighbourhood too.

There is no way you have seen them before because they are not eye catching nor ‘newsworthy’, but they exist, they are good and they are everywhere.

Good news stories exist. You can find them if you look hard enough. Seek them out to make your day better.

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…