Tag: Featured

It’s Foolish Not To…

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“There’s such a strong association between wellbeing and altruism that it would be foolish not to live altruistically,” Steve Taylor, Senior Lecturer at Leeds Becket University

Being kind and generous to other people is so good for you, it’s silly if you don’t do it. That’s essentially what Steve Taylor is saying. There has been a long history of scientific and anecdotal studies that have backed this up for decades. There have also been religious and theological philosophies which have touted this for centuries and millennia. Why do we still struggle to do it? Why do I find it so hard to be kind and generous to people around me? Why do I get so caught up in my own head and self-centredness that I don’t see what I can do for others?

One of the greatest contradictions in life (I think so anyway) is that motivation to do something comes after you have first started to do the thing. You have to ‘do’ before you ‘feel’.

It’s the same with generosity. First comes the action, then comes the good feeling, followed by the motivation to do more good in the world, and then the good feeling again.

You are doing yourself a dis-service by being stingy. The good news is that this can shift with just the smallest of actions. Do something tiny for someone else. Notice how it makes you feel and dwell on it. This will fuel you to do more and dramatically improve your wellbeing.

Nobody Wins

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Pull the curtain back a little on anyone and you will see the truth. The show on the stage of their life may look amazing. It’s shiny, clean, tight and in sync. Boy, what a performance.

But behind the scenes it’s another story. What happens back of stage is vastly different from what is on show.

If something looks too good to be true, then it probably is. Like Father Richard Rohr said, “Nobody wins. We all pretend.”

Nobody has the perfect life. Nobody has the perfect family. Nobody has the perfect job. Nobody is happy all the time. We are all pretending.

This is great news because it allows you and me to be kind to ourselves when things are tough. When things aren’t perfect. When we fall short of our hopes. When we let ourselves down by not being who we wish we were. When we fail.

It also means that you don’t have to pretend. Be kind to yourself and embrace who you are right now, in this moment.

Also, what happens back of stage always seeps to the front of stage eventually. Our reality will overcome our pretend. So, we can stop (or at least slow down) the pretend and live more in the reality.

What you love…

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Complete this sentence with 3 or 4 things:

“I hate….”

Now try this one:

“I love…”

Which one is easier for you?

I have found that it can be easier to list all of the things that I hate, that I am against, that are evil in the world, because they are the things that stand out. We are wired to look for dangers, bad actors and things that can come to ruin us. This is helpful as it can keep us safe from said dangers, actors and things. The problem comes when we focus only on the things that we need to avoid or stand up against, because it can cripple our ability to care for, and celebrate with, others. It can stifle our ongoing journey into love. It can kill generosity.

I get it though, dislike takes less energy than like. It costs nothing to be against something…at the start. But being able to find the things that genuinely make your pulse quicken, that get you out of bed in the morning, that you find yourself spending time on and thinking about even though you are not paid to do so, will create so much more emotional, physical and psychological benefits than listing the things you hate.

If you focus on what you love, what you are for, it will bring so much more to you and those around you.

As James Clear says, “You are more than your frustrations. Build your identity around what you love.”

Breaking News!

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Sometimes the best headlines don’t make it to your feed or in the final edit of a news broadcast. So, here are some of the latest headlines from our family which you have probably missed.

Family gets ready in the morning, arrive at school on time, kids are happy and the environment was supportive.

Dad makes his kids laugh, again.

Kids arrive home from school happy, and ready to eat more food.

Kids have a shower and get ready for bed without complaining.

Bedtime story ends and no one loses their mind because it wasn’t long enough (or too long).

5-year-old says “Thank you” to mum for making her lunch.

These don’t happen every day, and certainly not all the time, but they are genuine headlines from my household. I am sure that there are similar headlines from other households in our neighbourhood. Most likely it is the same in your neighbourhood too.

There is no way you have seen them before because they are not eye catching nor ‘newsworthy’, but they exist, they are good and they are everywhere.

Good news stories exist. You can find them if you look hard enough. Seek them out to make your day better.

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…

You can’t handle it

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Not having enough creates a seriously damaging experience for people living in poverty.

Some people find a specific way to function and survive in it. It’s called the Scarcity Mindset – seeing things through a lens of lack and doing whatever you can just to survive. It can be helpful but if you spend too much time in that sort of environment, your brain will be wired for lack and poverty will kill you prematurely.

At the other end of the spectrum, having more than you can handle creates a seriously damaging experience, rewiring you brain for excess and it will kill you prematurely.

We don’t seem to have a safety mechanism for when we have too much. There isn’t a mindset that we can easily form to assist in survival. As Nassim Taleb suggests, “Abundance is harder for us to handle than scarcity.”

Most, if not all of us dream about being on one end of the spectrum. No one strives for poverty of course, but many strive for excess. Often those who strive for excess don’t realise that they already have it, such is the sinister nature of excess – it stops you from realising when you have enough.

One thing that can help is to have an Abundance Mindset which is not as easy to form as the Scarcity Mindset, because it takes intentional work (at least that is what I have found).

An Abundance Mindset comes from a belief that there is enough of everything for everyone, and it starts with gratitude for what you already have. Gratitude leads to generosity.

A Scarcity Mindset that creates an environment in which for me to win, everyone else has to lose, is toxic. An Abundance Mindset that comes from gratitude and encourages generosity is life giving. I know which one I’m aiming for.

Should I put up more of a fight?

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“Here you go.” Guy hands me free bread.

“Thanks, that’s really lovely”. I take it and walk out.

It was really thoughtful because I wanted to buy this bread the week before but they ran out. The guy who worked there remembered that and sought to make amends. He didn’t have to do that. I was not upset with him or his establishment, it’s just one of those things that happens. Sometimes other people buy stuff before you get there. That’s okay.

I was pretty excited about my free bread though.

As I was reflecting on it, I wondered if he knew how pleased I was? Was I thankful enough? Should I have pushed back so that he knew I understood it was a big deal? Kind of like:

Guy handing me free bread: “Here you go”

Me: “I couldn’t possible take it, let me pay.”

Guy with bread: “No, that’s fine. It’s my gift to you.”

Me: “Are you sure? I feel like I’m ripping you off.”

Guy with bread: “Of course it’s fine. This is my shop, I can do what I want and I what I want to do is to give you free bread.”

Me: “At least let me pay a little.”

Guy with bread: “Just take the damn bread!”

Okay, that was maybe a little over the top, but you get my drift. What is the right amount of hesitation before taking a gift?

Honestly, I don’t think it really matters. Maybe a little hesitation and push back is good, but we need to make sure we don’t stand in the way of someone else getting the joy of being generous to us.

Accidentally Generous

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Back when $50 was a lot of money, I went out for a dinner with friends that I couldn’t really afford. It was my last $50 before pay day the next week. We were all light on cash but went out anyway.

I ordered a miserly meal so that I would get enough change to make my way through the next few days. As it came time to pay I thought we were pooling money together and divvying up appropriate change. I handed my $50 to one of my friends, who took it as if I was paying for his dinner as well – thanked me, winked and walked off to pay. He thought I was being generous. I was not. Deciding not to run after him to create an incredibly awkward situation of it all, I let it happen. I guess you could say I was accidentally generous.

I don’t remember how I got through the next few days, but I made it through alive obviously. It’s only in time that I realise it costs less to be generous that we think. The idea of giving money to someone or something else feels as if it will hurt, but in reality the benefit it brings far outweighs the cost or pain we might feel in giving it.

So, don’t wait for it to happen by accident. Be generous on purpose.

Entitlement and Generosity

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“Hey! I’m going through a hard time here!”

It’s hard to argue with someone who is going through something tough. We’ve all been there too, when life becomes especially challenging, it is amazing to have good people around to show a little extra grace and thoughtfulness during that time, to be on the receiving end of their generosity for a bit.

But, what happens when someone stays there, or lives there permanently? There are those that you may come across who are always going through a tough time in life, and are constantly on the receiving end of people’s generosity. If they tire out the people around them, that’s okay, they find new people to feel sorry for them and be generous. They are a constant victim. They are the entitled victim.

Entitlement says, “You should be generous to me because my life is hard. You owe me.” That type of victim behaviour damages relationships and people. It is toxic and unhealthy.

We should always seek to be generous to those around us who are going through a challenging time. I have experienced that and it is wonderful.

And sometimes being generous to someone requires calling them out on their entitlement and putting healthy boundaries in place.

How’s your finish?

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“It doesn’t matter how you start, it’s how you finish that’s important”. Common idiom.

How early does the day get ruined for you? When lunch isn’t what you’d hoped for? When your mid-morning coffee is bad? Before you get out of bed?

It’s easy to chuck in the towel on a day when something doesn’t go right. But that doesn’t mean that day can’t be revitalised or another attempt isn’t worth it.

My most effective work time, I have discovered, is between 3pm and 5pm. Maybe it’s my specific rhythm, or maybe it’s my innate desire to not leave the office too late, but I find myself working through large amounts of tasks during that time every day.

What that means is that I don’t ‘win the morning’, or wake up and hustle before the rest of the world.

It has taught me is that even if I don’t start the day like a bull at a gate, I can still finish strongly, getting through a lot of work in the final stretch before the day is done.

My best days are when I do both – start strong and finish strong, but I can take any day which hasn’t started well and make it a good one. It’s the same for a week, or a month, or a year, or a decade, or a lifetime. It’s a very helpful principal.

It doesn’t matter how you have started 2025, it’s how you finish that’s important.