Tag: Charity

You can’t be trusted…

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“I’ve always gone for the ‘bad boy’ in my relationships, and it has never worked out. I want to find a healthy relationship and settle down”.

“Good for her!” I thought. Self-awareness is the key to helping us create the life that we want.

I rarely watch reality tv. I have caught glimpses over the years, but I never thought that anything about it was actually real, until one day I happened upon a bachelorette type franchise where a well-known female was the object of many a male’s affection. Not groundbreaking by any stretch.

What did stand out was this insight she had about herself.

Fast forward to the end of the series and the final two males that she could choose from represented her two options in life. Choose the new, unknown, probably healthy relationship with a nice guy who cared for her, or the same relationship she has had over and over, which she said she didn’t want.

She chose the second option, the ‘bad boy’ she said she didn’t want, and a few months later it all fell apart, like it always did.

I couldn’t believe it, she had happiness and contentment right in front of her and she threw it aside to chase after something that seemed fun but in the end was damaging. Why would she do that?

But when you think about it, we all do that. We all have some idea about what is good for us, what is healthy, what will probably make us happy, when faced with a choice between those things and what looks fun in the moment, how many times do we choose the thing that will hurt us in the long term? Why can’t we just make good, healthy decisions?

It’s one thing to know what is good for us, what we need, and what will create the best scenario for us down the track, it’s another thing to do it.

Generosity is like that. We could give some money away, or some time, or do something thoughtful for someone else, or we could buy another pair of shoes, or start the next episode of whatever we are streaming at the moment. I know which of those things will make me happier long term, but often I choose the other things.

What on earth do we do? Be generous to yourself and know that this isn’t how it always has to be. You can make a change, by starting small. Take $5, 5 minutes or 5 messages and use them to act generously towards others. Then go back to your shoes and shows. If you do this consistently, over time you will require less shoes and shows and enjoy more generosity and more of life.

Who knows, you may even find yourself making more good, healthy decisions in other areas of your life too.

A Very Rich Person

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When I was 19, I had a midlife crisis. Well, not really but it certainly felt like an existential calamity of sorts.

I remember looking ahead at what my life would be, filled with work, and just not wanting any part of it. I didn’t want to go through life miserably participating in the rat race – sitting in an office 9 to 5, 5 days a week, 48 weeks of the year**. So, I decided to find a way to retire. Yep, at 19. But having no resources put away to comfortably live in my retirement, I soon discovered it was necessary to find a job.

What helped me become amenable to working life was discovering some wisdom in Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament. “A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the Hand of God.” Believe it or not that lead me to the conclusion that it is good to work and that it was possible to find satisfaction from it.

Many people do that and have created wealth for them and their family. I have heard so much talk about the wealth transfer from this current generation of parents/grandparents to the next. They call it the greatest intergenerational wealth transfer in history. Billions of dollars will change hands in the next 10 years, or 20 years or however long people live for. (It sounds a little crass, I apologise, but it is the reality.)

The big question is how should people arrange their wealth when they pass away? Should they leave it all to their children regardless of how much they have? That makes sense, as parents we want our kids to have everything they need to have a great life. But what make a great life?

Warren Buffet is quoted as saying, “A very rich person should leave his kids enough to do anything, but not enough to do nothing.” There is a great amount of wisdom to that. Time and again most people who win the lottery end up unhappier than they were beforehand. For many who will receive some of the intergenerational wealth transfer, it will be like winning the lottery. They will never have to work again, but to what end?

From my experience I see that there is a danger in working too much and at the same time, there is a danger in working too little. Leave your kids enough money so they still have to work, because that is good for them.

If you have more than that, then give the rest away.

**I am fully aware of the irony that, out of the countries in the world, Australia has some of the best work conditions, including shorter office hours and longer annual leave than many other places. By try telling that to 19-year-old Kieran. He knew what he wanted and it was not work. 

The Root

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“It wasn’t my fault.”

“It happened to me.”

“I was at the whim of a greater power.”

“The Devil made me do it.”

It can feel good to say those things.

When something bad happens to us it’s nice when we realise that we couldn’t do anything about it and we are just a victim to the situation.

Another statement in line with this thinking is that “Money is the root of all evil”.

If that is true, then it’s not my fault if I make bad decisions with money. Money is bad. Nothing good comes from it. Anyone who has money must be bad too.

But, that statement isn’t true. Not in the format that we might know it. You see, that’s only part of the statement. The full statement is ‘the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil’.

That’s not as fun because instead of being at the whim of a greater power, this would suggest that I have agency in the process. I can control the things that I give my attention and affection to. I can control what I focus on. I can certainly control whether or not I love an inanimate object like money. So, then it is my fault. When we love money, we do bad stuff. Bad stuff to ourselves and other people.

Money is not bad in and of itself. People who have money are not inherently bad or evil, although by their proximity to it they are at greater risk of falling in love with it and what it can bring them.

One key thing; there is enough money on the planet to lift everyone out of poverty. If we were all to love it a little less, then much evil would be overcome.

Think smaller (a little bit)

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For some, (including me), the idea of a massive goal, or a significant aim in life can make them freeze. Whilst others may be excited and motivated by a massive challenge, the first group look up at where they are aiming and stop, loosing all momentum. Usually this happens when there is a large, ambiguous gap between where they are and where they want to be with no idea of how to bridge that gap.

If you find yourself in that place, something that can be really helpful is to think small(er).

Instead of chasing your dream, do 3 things today that gets you a step closer. Find 3 specific things that you can do which will shift you a little closer to that end goal. Not only will this help you un-freeze, but it will also begin to create a little momentum towards it.

It’s the same with generosity. I’ve met many people who want to one day give millions of dollars away, which is an amazing goal. But, usually there is a big gap between where they are and the reality of that goal and so they don’t do anything.  So I encourage them to do these three things.

  1. Live within your means
  2. Give some money away
  3. Create a plan to make more money

Doing these three things each day or week will put you in the right place to give millions of dollars away if your goals come to fruition.

Baby Steps

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Generosity is innate within us, of this I am sure. It’s what we choose to do with it that impacts how much of a role it plays in later life.

Studies of toddlers less than 18 months old show that they are likely to help out others to acquire out-of-reach objects and opening cupboards for them. Now this happens whether there is a reward or a commendation from adults around them. In fact, it turns out that external rewards undermined the tendency to help.

Here are the things this teaches us:

Young children are motivated intrinsically to help out, rather than by external rewards. They are motivated by the desire to see someone else helped rather than to be seen to provide help. And they are less likely to help when asked or encouraged to do so.

That general generosity is in every human. In you and me. You are intrinsically motivated to help people. You are motived more by the desire to see someone else helped than to provide the help and if someone tells you to be generous you are less inclined to do it.

(That last one put me in spot because that’s my whole thing…)

Young children are pro-social. You are pro-social. We lose it if we don’t practice.

See study info here and here

It’s Foolish Not To…

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“There’s such a strong association between wellbeing and altruism that it would be foolish not to live altruistically,” Steve Taylor, Senior Lecturer at Leeds Becket University

Being kind and generous to other people is so good for you, it’s silly if you don’t do it. That’s essentially what Steve Taylor is saying. There has been a long history of scientific and anecdotal studies that have backed this up for decades. There have also been religious and theological philosophies which have touted this for centuries and millennia. Why do we still struggle to do it? Why do I find it so hard to be kind and generous to people around me? Why do I get so caught up in my own head and self-centredness that I don’t see what I can do for others?

One of the greatest contradictions in life (I think so anyway) is that motivation to do something comes after you have first started to do the thing. You have to ‘do’ before you ‘feel’.

It’s the same with generosity. First comes the action, then comes the good feeling, followed by the motivation to do more good in the world, and then the good feeling again.

You are doing yourself a dis-service by being stingy. The good news is that this can shift with just the smallest of actions. Do something tiny for someone else. Notice how it makes you feel and dwell on it. This will fuel you to do more and dramatically improve your wellbeing.

You can’t handle it

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Not having enough creates a seriously damaging experience for people living in poverty.

Some people find a specific way to function and survive in it. It’s called the Scarcity Mindset – seeing things through a lens of lack and doing whatever you can just to survive. It can be helpful but if you spend too much time in that sort of environment, your brain will be wired for lack and poverty will kill you prematurely.

At the other end of the spectrum, having more than you can handle creates a seriously damaging experience, rewiring you brain for excess and it will kill you prematurely.

We don’t seem to have a safety mechanism for when we have too much. There isn’t a mindset that we can easily form to assist in survival. As Nassim Taleb suggests, “Abundance is harder for us to handle than scarcity.”

Most, if not all of us dream about being on one end of the spectrum. No one strives for poverty of course, but many strive for excess. Often those who strive for excess don’t realise that they already have it, such is the sinister nature of excess – it stops you from realising when you have enough.

One thing that can help is to have an Abundance Mindset which is not as easy to form as the Scarcity Mindset, because it takes intentional work (at least that is what I have found).

An Abundance Mindset comes from a belief that there is enough of everything for everyone, and it starts with gratitude for what you already have. Gratitude leads to generosity.

A Scarcity Mindset that creates an environment in which for me to win, everyone else has to lose, is toxic. An Abundance Mindset that comes from gratitude and encourages generosity is life giving. I know which one I’m aiming for.

Should I put up more of a fight?

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“Here you go.” Guy hands me free bread.

“Thanks, that’s really lovely”. I take it and walk out.

It was really thoughtful because I wanted to buy this bread the week before but they ran out. The guy who worked there remembered that and sought to make amends. He didn’t have to do that. I was not upset with him or his establishment, it’s just one of those things that happens. Sometimes other people buy stuff before you get there. That’s okay.

I was pretty excited about my free bread though.

As I was reflecting on it, I wondered if he knew how pleased I was? Was I thankful enough? Should I have pushed back so that he knew I understood it was a big deal? Kind of like:

Guy handing me free bread: “Here you go”

Me: “I couldn’t possible take it, let me pay.”

Guy with bread: “No, that’s fine. It’s my gift to you.”

Me: “Are you sure? I feel like I’m ripping you off.”

Guy with bread: “Of course it’s fine. This is my shop, I can do what I want and I what I want to do is to give you free bread.”

Me: “At least let me pay a little.”

Guy with bread: “Just take the damn bread!”

Okay, that was maybe a little over the top, but you get my drift. What is the right amount of hesitation before taking a gift?

Honestly, I don’t think it really matters. Maybe a little hesitation and push back is good, but we need to make sure we don’t stand in the way of someone else getting the joy of being generous to us.

Accidentally Generous

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Back when $50 was a lot of money, I went out for a dinner with friends that I couldn’t really afford. It was my last $50 before pay day the next week. We were all light on cash but went out anyway.

I ordered a miserly meal so that I would get enough change to make my way through the next few days. As it came time to pay I thought we were pooling money together and divvying up appropriate change. I handed my $50 to one of my friends, who took it as if I was paying for his dinner as well – thanked me, winked and walked off to pay. He thought I was being generous. I was not. Deciding not to run after him to create an incredibly awkward situation of it all, I let it happen. I guess you could say I was accidentally generous.

I don’t remember how I got through the next few days, but I made it through alive obviously. It’s only in time that I realise it costs less to be generous that we think. The idea of giving money to someone or something else feels as if it will hurt, but in reality the benefit it brings far outweighs the cost or pain we might feel in giving it.

So, don’t wait for it to happen by accident. Be generous on purpose.

Entitlement and Generosity

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“Hey! I’m going through a hard time here!”

It’s hard to argue with someone who is going through something tough. We’ve all been there too, when life becomes especially challenging, it is amazing to have good people around to show a little extra grace and thoughtfulness during that time, to be on the receiving end of their generosity for a bit.

But, what happens when someone stays there, or lives there permanently? There are those that you may come across who are always going through a tough time in life, and are constantly on the receiving end of people’s generosity. If they tire out the people around them, that’s okay, they find new people to feel sorry for them and be generous. They are a constant victim. They are the entitled victim.

Entitlement says, “You should be generous to me because my life is hard. You owe me.” That type of victim behaviour damages relationships and people. It is toxic and unhealthy.

We should always seek to be generous to those around us who are going through a challenging time. I have experienced that and it is wonderful.

And sometimes being generous to someone requires calling them out on their entitlement and putting healthy boundaries in place.