To be like Damian

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“He’s always like that. Always looking to help someone out.”

That was how someone described Damian Martin after he made the news for stepping in to help a stranger and rescue a dog from a house fire.

I was amazed. Imagine that. Imagine being a world class basketballer, and an amazing guy who is always on the lookout to help someone. I can’t even be one of those things.

What does it take to become like that? How do I shift my behaviour to be more like Damian?

Having not met Damian, here are some guesses as to why he is like he is…

Extraversion – one who gets energy from being around other people.

Self-confidence – Confident in his own ability, carrying the knowledge that he is enough.

Profile – People know who he is and respect him.

Good heart – A person who genuinely cares for others, humble and seeking to do good.

There are probably more things than that, but out of those 4 I think that I can control 2 of them. Outside of changing my personality type, or seeking a profile in the world somehow, I think I can spend some time and energy on increasing my self-confidence and working on my heart to be a little more like Damian.

Think smaller (a little bit)

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For some, (including me), the idea of a massive goal, or a significant aim in life can make them freeze. Whilst others may be excited and motivated by a massive challenge, the first group look up at where they are aiming and stop, loosing all momentum. Usually this happens when there is a large, ambiguous gap between where they are and where they want to be with no idea of how to bridge that gap.

If you find yourself in that place, something that can be really helpful is to think small(er).

Instead of chasing your dream, do 3 things today that gets you a step closer. Find 3 specific things that you can do which will shift you a little closer to that end goal. Not only will this help you un-freeze, but it will also begin to create a little momentum towards it.

It’s the same with generosity. I’ve met many people who want to one day give millions of dollars away, which is an amazing goal. But, usually there is a big gap between where they are and the reality of that goal and so they don’t do anything.  So I encourage them to do these three things.

  1. Live within your means
  2. Give some money away
  3. Create a plan to make more money

Doing these three things each day or week will put you in the right place to give millions of dollars away if your goals come to fruition.

Sesame Street and Childhood Trauma

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It lasted for 14 years. From when he first appeared on the show in 1971, Mr. Snuffalupagus was an imaginary friend for Big Bird on Sesame Street. Big Bird claimed he was real but no other person met him because he would wander off just as other people were coming. It’s a standard comedy trope that I understand now, but at the time, as a young boy it embedded some deep trauma. Why was no one believing Big Bird? Everyone assumed that Big Bird was making him up, that he was imaginary, no matter how much he pleaded and promised that he wasn’t.

14 years of this.

In 1985 the writers decided to introduce Mr Suffleupagus to the others on the show because there was concern that it was sending a message to kids that adults wouldn’t believe what they said, especially if it was about heavy topics, like abuse.

As a result, as a 5 year old, I watched as Big Bird was finally vindicated, shown that he wasn’t a liar or a naughty bird by being flippant with the truth. It sounds ridiculous now but something shifted in me at that moment, as if a piece of me was found that day. Even though I hadn’t been alive for the whole time that the imaginary friend issue was happening on Sesame Street, it had been happening for my whole life to that point.

I don’t know why it became such a significant moment in my life. But perhaps I was asking, would people believe me if I said something?

The weird thing is I had nothing to say – no abuse or trauma or anything of the like to talk about, but the feeling that no one would believe me if I had something to say was terrifying.

The truth is innately generous. To be honest with someone shows that you trust them, that they can handle the truth and that you are willing to share your truth with them. Not believing someone when they are honest with you is a rejection of that generous act, and, to my 5 year old self, is the greatest rejection you can impose on someone.

Nobody wants to be lied to, or to believe someone when they are, in fact, lying to us. But at the risk of this, the greater tragedy is if we don’t believe someone when they are speaking the truth. So perhaps erring on the side of belief is gift that we can give those around us.

What if I don’t get anything back?

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I have become overprotective of my energy levels. It’s happened slowly, over time, but I have found myself calculating how much energy a task would require before I say yes to do it. Especially if it’s something my kids have asked me to do. Here are two real life examples:

“Dad, let’s go play cricket outside.” Quick calculation of time it would take, energy required, weather conditions, what else I have on for the day, how I could push it off to another time or day, who else could I suggest he play with instead, energy required to say ‘no’ in my most polite and encouraging way.

“Dad, can you read me this book?” Quick calculation as to how long the book is, how much writing is on each page, how small the writing is, whether or not I enjoy the book, what time of day it is, how many other books have I read recently, is there another time that I can push off the book reading to, is there something else I can get them to do instead, who else is around that could read the book, can they read their own book.

Why do I do this? Why not just play some cricket or read a book? Who has ever regretted doing that with their kids?

My problem is that I worry it will never be enough. My kids always want more than I feel I can give. If I play cricket for a bit, they always want just a little bit more. If I read one book (or part thereof because it is super long), then they always seem to want more and it just leaves them disappointed and me annoyed because “they should be grateful for what I give them”, or so I think.

But giving of my energy is just the same as any other part of generosity. It’s not a zero sum game. It’s not about me pouring out everything and the kids taking everything, leaving me with nothing and them with all. Whilst energy is finite (meaning it does run out eventually) the impact of it is not. The relationships, memories and love that it creates compounds over time, which fuels me and gives me energy. It probably takes more energy to calculate why I can say “no” to something than just saying “yes” and doing the thing. But it’s still a struggle.

Baby Steps

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Generosity is innate within us, of this I am sure. It’s what we choose to do with it that impacts how much of a role it plays in later life.

Studies of toddlers less than 18 months old show that they are likely to help out others to acquire out-of-reach objects and opening cupboards for them. Now this happens whether there is a reward or a commendation from adults around them. In fact, it turns out that external rewards undermined the tendency to help.

Here are the things this teaches us:

Young children are motivated intrinsically to help out, rather than by external rewards. They are motivated by the desire to see someone else helped rather than to be seen to provide help. And they are less likely to help when asked or encouraged to do so.

That general generosity is in every human. In you and me. You are intrinsically motivated to help people. You are motived more by the desire to see someone else helped than to provide the help and if someone tells you to be generous you are less inclined to do it.

(That last one put me in spot because that’s my whole thing…)

Young children are pro-social. You are pro-social. We lose it if we don’t practice.

See study info here and here

It’s Foolish Not To…

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“There’s such a strong association between wellbeing and altruism that it would be foolish not to live altruistically,” Steve Taylor, Senior Lecturer at Leeds Becket University

Being kind and generous to other people is so good for you, it’s silly if you don’t do it. That’s essentially what Steve Taylor is saying. There has been a long history of scientific and anecdotal studies that have backed this up for decades. There have also been religious and theological philosophies which have touted this for centuries and millennia. Why do we still struggle to do it? Why do I find it so hard to be kind and generous to people around me? Why do I get so caught up in my own head and self-centredness that I don’t see what I can do for others?

One of the greatest contradictions in life (I think so anyway) is that motivation to do something comes after you have first started to do the thing. You have to ‘do’ before you ‘feel’.

It’s the same with generosity. First comes the action, then comes the good feeling, followed by the motivation to do more good in the world, and then the good feeling again.

You are doing yourself a dis-service by being stingy. The good news is that this can shift with just the smallest of actions. Do something tiny for someone else. Notice how it makes you feel and dwell on it. This will fuel you to do more and dramatically improve your wellbeing.

Nobody Wins

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Pull the curtain back a little on anyone and you will see the truth. The show on the stage of their life may look amazing. It’s shiny, clean, tight and in sync. Boy, what a performance.

But behind the scenes it’s another story. What happens back of stage is vastly different from what is on show.

If something looks too good to be true, then it probably is. Like Father Richard Rohr said, “Nobody wins. We all pretend.”

Nobody has the perfect life. Nobody has the perfect family. Nobody has the perfect job. Nobody is happy all the time. We are all pretending.

This is great news because it allows you and me to be kind to ourselves when things are tough. When things aren’t perfect. When we fall short of our hopes. When we let ourselves down by not being who we wish we were. When we fail.

It also means that you don’t have to pretend. Be kind to yourself and embrace who you are right now, in this moment.

Also, what happens back of stage always seeps to the front of stage eventually. Our reality will overcome our pretend. So, we can stop (or at least slow down) the pretend and live more in the reality.

What you love…

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Complete this sentence with 3 or 4 things:

“I hate….”

Now try this one:

“I love…”

Which one is easier for you?

I have found that it can be easier to list all of the things that I hate, that I am against, that are evil in the world, because they are the things that stand out. We are wired to look for dangers, bad actors and things that can come to ruin us. This is helpful as it can keep us safe from said dangers, actors and things. The problem comes when we focus only on the things that we need to avoid or stand up against, because it can cripple our ability to care for, and celebrate with, others. It can stifle our ongoing journey into love. It can kill generosity.

I get it though, dislike takes less energy than like. It costs nothing to be against something…at the start. But being able to find the things that genuinely make your pulse quicken, that get you out of bed in the morning, that you find yourself spending time on and thinking about even though you are not paid to do so, will create so much more emotional, physical and psychological benefits than listing the things you hate.

If you focus on what you love, what you are for, it will bring so much more to you and those around you.

As James Clear says, “You are more than your frustrations. Build your identity around what you love.”

Breaking News!

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Sometimes the best headlines don’t make it to your feed or in the final edit of a news broadcast. So, here are some of the latest headlines from our family which you have probably missed.

Family gets ready in the morning, arrive at school on time, kids are happy and the environment was supportive.

Dad makes his kids laugh, again.

Kids arrive home from school happy, and ready to eat more food.

Kids have a shower and get ready for bed without complaining.

Bedtime story ends and no one loses their mind because it wasn’t long enough (or too long).

5-year-old says “Thank you” to mum for making her lunch.

These don’t happen every day, and certainly not all the time, but they are genuine headlines from my household. I am sure that there are similar headlines from other households in our neighbourhood. Most likely it is the same in your neighbourhood too.

There is no way you have seen them before because they are not eye catching nor ‘newsworthy’, but they exist, they are good and they are everywhere.

Good news stories exist. You can find them if you look hard enough. Seek them out to make your day better.

What does generosity mean to you?

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I recently spoke with some year 3’s about Generosity and I asked them, “What does generosity mean to you?”

Here are some of the answers:

“Giving”

“Being generous”

“Loving”

“Being caring”

“Looking out for other people”

“Helping a friend up when they have scraped their knee”

Kids seem to innately get it. Generosity is a good thing and something we should all do. Mostly because they have someone in their lives that has been generous to them, and they remember it. They remember what it felt like.

Kids are vulnerable, they need help all the time. Simple acts of generosity to them when they can’t reach something in the tall cupboards, or when they can’t find their favourite toy or when they have scraped their knee.

If most kids are like my kids, then they won’t respond with gratitude all the time when someone is generous to them, but there are times when their gratitude is so tangible. The feel loved when I do something for them.

“Thanks dad!”. It’s a simple phrase but the way they say it gets me every time. I know they appreciate what I do and I know that they want others to feel that same way when they need help, so they look to practice generosity to those around them.

They get it.

I hope they don’t lose it as they grow older…