Tag: Boundaries

“I think you have the wrong meeting”

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My greatest fear is turning up to a Zoom call meeting early only to discover that the previous meeting hasn’t finished, or that my meeting has been shifted to another room, or – worst case scenario – I have the wrong day. There is nothing like the complete humiliation of many faces popping up on a screen as you enter, they stop talking awkwardly, and then suggest ‘Uh, I think you have the wrong meeting’, to which I reply, ‘Sorry folks. I’ll jump out.’

I then leave the meeting and spend the rest of the day emotionally recovering from looking so stupid. If it happens first thing in the morning, I’m not kidding, the whole day is a write off.

This has happened to me a number of times and I can remember each and every one of them, viscerally.

The other end of the spectrum is when you turn up to a video call early and the other person is late, so you end up staring at yourself on the screen contemplating what you are doing with your life whilst trying to check yourself out from different angles. (If you have two screens you can genuinely see what you look like from the side – it’s pretty fun). I prefer this one over gatecrashing someone else’s meeting, because, after checking a handful of times to make sure I have the right time and place, I can make sure that I am ready to go as soon as they jump on. (Plus there is always the hope that the meeting will get cancelled and I can do something else…)

The people I work with know that I will be two minutes early for every meeting and I will hold space and wait if they get caught up with something. This is a gift to other people, that costs me nothing (and can be done without becoming a doormat)

“Being early can be a form of generosity. You wait, so they don’t have to.” – James Clear

I don’t crash too many meetings anymore because technology has changed a little, but even if it did happen whilst I was attempting to arrive early as an act of generosity, it’s worth the risk.

Entitlement and Generosity

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“Hey! I’m going through a hard time here!”

It’s hard to argue with someone who is going through something tough. We’ve all been there too, when life becomes especially challenging, it is amazing to have good people around to show a little extra grace and thoughtfulness during that time, to be on the receiving end of their generosity for a bit.

But, what happens when someone stays there, or lives there permanently? There are those that you may come across who are always going through a tough time in life, and are constantly on the receiving end of people’s generosity. If they tire out the people around them, that’s okay, they find new people to feel sorry for them and be generous. They are a constant victim. They are the entitled victim.

Entitlement says, “You should be generous to me because my life is hard. You owe me.” That type of victim behaviour damages relationships and people. It is toxic and unhealthy.

We should always seek to be generous to those around us who are going through a challenging time. I have experienced that and it is wonderful.

And sometimes being generous to someone requires calling them out on their entitlement and putting healthy boundaries in place.

If Carbs can be complex, why can’t I?

Published on by Kieran Johnson - The Generosity Guy1 Comment

Simple carbohydrates can be broken down quickly by the body and used as energy, leading to a spike in energy levels.

Complex carbohydrates take longer for the body to break down and used as energy and are released gradually. Both can be useful.

Simple Carbs can be found in processed and refined sugars.

Complex carbs can be found in fruit and milk products.

That’s the layman’s definition of complex carbs, you know, the explanation that I can understand.

So, if carbohydrates can be complex, why can’t I?

People are more complex than carbohydrates, dramatically so. So why do we continue to fit people into categories, or groups, or profiles?

I can be both shallow and deep, both serious and funny, both charming and offensive, both loving and a jerk, and everything else in between. Certainly I try to spend most of my time in the more positive areas of character but I’m not great all the time. Sometimes I make mistakes, I say the wrong thing, I am thoughtless in my actions, I am selfish. If you have any remnants of self awareness as you are reading this you will know that you are the same, which makes it more important that we provide grace to those around us and recognise that people, like carbohydrates, can be complex.

Let’s not write someone off because they said or did the wrong thing once – give them grace and boundaries, and invite them to try again.

A gift for you

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Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. – James Clear

I have been hurt. So have you. Somewhere along the line we have all been on the receiving end of behaviour that is rude, thoughtless, violent, offensive, toxic, troublesome – you name it. And it can cut deep. It causes pain which doesn’t just disappear.

The importance of forgiveness…

But carrying hurt around, staying angry, storing the pain in a section of our mind so we can revisit it time and time again, only perpetuates the hurt. It keeps the wound from healing. The strange part about that is it has no effect on the person who hurt us in the slightest.

How to forgive…

Now I don’t pretend to be the expert of how to forgive someone, I know it has something to do with letting go of the anger and working to get to a place where we are not reliving the experience, eventually even wishing the person well in their life. There’s no three step process for this unfortunately, you can do your own research on what may work best for you, but I can tell you that once you get to the point where you can forgive, it is an amazing gift for yourself. You will feel lighter, happier, healthier and be able to live your life without the constant threat of being thrust into pain and anger.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you let them do it again…

Just because you forgive someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you automatically invite them back into your life where they can do the same thing again. Forgiveness doesn’t go hand in hand with trust. I can forgive you for crashing my car, but that doesn’t mean you still get to drive my car. The damage can be fixed, but it is costly and not one that I am willing to pay twice.

So, I can forgive someone for hurting me, giving myself a gift, making my way through life lighter, happier and healthier, whilst having solid boundaries in place to protect me from future hurt.