Tag: Consequences

Why I hate most TV shows

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There is no story without a problem. You need conflict. If a story doesn’t have conflict, it’s not a story, it’s an anecdote and it’s boring.

The majority of conflict in TV shows is based on deception. On avoiding a hard conversation. On hiding something from someone else so they don’t get upset, and then the next 18 minutes is dedicated to covering your tracks so you don’t get found out in a lie.

Each 20-minute tv show has an A, B and C storyline. That’s potentially three different stories of deception that happen every episode. For a standard 10-episode series, that is 30 potential conflicts from deception and lies. Don’t get me started on seasons with 20 or more episodes in them. And often these are family-based sitcoms. It’s “okay” though because everything gets found out by the end, it will be funny and then resolved within half an hour.

What is that teaching us, or more importantly, what is that teaching our kids? That you can lie, try to cover it up and that’s how relationships work?

It misses the issue of consequences, many of which are unintended, and what happens in relationships when we are unable to be truthful with those that we do daily life with.

Lies and deception are anti-generosity. They are selfish. They break relationships. The cover up afterwards serves only you. We like to think that we are saving others from a difficult situation or a painful truth, but it’s always about saving ourselves from it.

Generosity in conflict is loving honesty. Sure, it’s harder to do but it puts other people at the heart of the issue, instead of my desire to avoid of a difficult conversation.

So, I find myself avoiding sit-coms now. I’m not looking for unnecessary drama.

You don’t know what you want

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If you had no financial restrictions and could have anything you wanted in the world, what would you do?

Buy a massive house, maybe a mansion? Cars. Cars for sure. Expensive ones, fast ones, colourful ones, ones that make other people look. Clothes as well. The nicest suits, or dresses, or whatever people wear.

How great would that be, living the dream?

But would it be great?

If you have ever moved from a small home into a larger home, you will know that, whilst it is probably nice to have more space, sometimes you will miss the smaller, more intimate life you left behind.

There are always unintended consequences for the decisions we make.

I have talked about lottery winners before, and Adrian Bayford is another example. After winning almost £150m in 2012 he bought a seven-bedroom luxury mansion with his wife. Now, with his new fiancé, he is moving back to live with his mum in the 4-bedroom house he bought for her. He longs for the simple life, how things were before he was mega rich.

We think we want more and bigger. But what we really want is family and love. You can’t buy those things. When faced with unlimited options, we don’t know what we want, but I can guarantee you that money doesn’t change you, it only makes you more of what you already are.

Or as Notorious B.I.G put it, “Mo money mo problems”.

Why are people awful?

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“Anxiety and low self esteem is why people are awful.” Tim Minchin

I have said it many times before, that people behave in a way that makes sense to them. There is always a reason why they do the things that they do, even if that reason is hidden from them.

When someone behaves in a way which has a negative effect on others, when they are being awful, 99 times out of 100, it because of anxiety and low self esteem. When we are able to recognise that, it makes our lives easier because then we know that their behaviour has nothing to do with me and who I am, it is just what they are going through right now that is causing it. To switch it around, when I am treating someone else badly, it has nothing to do with them and who they are, it is just what I am going through at that moment.

Anxiety and low self-esteem have a lot to answer for.

That being said, now that we know what causes awful behaviour, we now get to choose how we behave. We always get to choose our response, as challenging as it may be in the moment. As an adult, that is our choice. We can choose to treat people well, or badly and we are responsible for the outcomes of our behaviour. Regardless of if there is anxiety and low self-esteem at play, there are always consequences for what we do and we should be held accountable for our actions.

So, I am to choose to be generous to those who are treating others badly, and to myself when I fall short of how I want to treat other people.

But generosity also holds people to account and allows consequences for their actions to play out. Generosity encourages people to do better.

Unintended Consequences

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I recently found out something weird about jellyfish.

If you have one jellyfish and cut it in half, instead of having no jellyfish because it is dead, now you have two. Jellyfish regenerate. If it wasn’t so terrifying it would be amazing. Now I have nightmares about jellyfish rising up and taking over the world because they are the undead. Paranoia aside, it does speak to me about unintended consequences.

Life can be like trying to kill a jellyfish (metaphorically). We try to overcome obstacles and, in the process, create other obstacles that wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for the action we just took.

For example, we recently had the joy of moving our 2 year old from a cot to a ‘big girl’ bed. She was having trouble going to sleep at night and we thought this move would help. No longer is she trapped when she has a sleep, she can get in and out as she pleases. Like when she drops her stuffed animals on the floor, she can hop out, get them and get back in to bed. She loves it and she was ready for it. Sleep time should become easier.

But instead, not only does she still struggle some nights to go to sleep, now, any time she wants, she can get out of bed and annoy her brother in the next room. The only time she is happy to stay in bed is when she drops her stuffed animals on the floor. Instead of hopping out to get them and jumping back in to bed, she calls out until someone does it for her. Unintended consequences.

In our world, unintended consequences are everywhere. I buy a coffee in Perth, it impacts the local café, their staff and families, the dairy farmers who provide the milk, the truck drivers who ship the milk, the distributors of said milk, as well as the whole coffee bean production line, from grower right through to roasters, wherever they may be in the world. A lot of things need to happen for me to have my morning pick me up.

If things work well, then people are positively impacted. If they don’t, people get pushed aside.

Generosity also has unintended consequences, both bad and good. Sometimes by doing something that you think is the best thing in that moment, may do some good, but also creates another problem/jellyfish. It doesn’t mean that we stop being generous. Instead, we grow in wisdom as we give so we can learn how to create the best possible outcomes with the least jellyfish. It takes time and experience, and humility to acknowledge we don’t know everything yet.

2022 Theme – Freedom

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Remember that to change course or accept correction leaves you just as free as you were. The action is your own, driven by your own impulse and judgement, indeed your own intelligence.

Marcus Aurelius

I don’t think that I know what freedom really means because I have never been held captive. Not in a physical sense anyway. As a white male, living in a western country, I am possibly the most free person on the planet. I don’t want to take that for granted.

But, the greatest trick that we pull on ourselves is to think that we are trapped by something when we are not. The government, our family, our job, our friends, the weather, the global pandemic. But none of those things can hold me captive unless I want them to.

  • The government may put a mask mandate or vaccination mandate in place. They are unable to force me to do either. It is my choice to say yes or no to them. I am free.
  • Just because I have a wife and young children doesn’t stop me from doing what I want to do, whenever I want to do it.
  • My employer cannot make me turn up to work every day. I can choose to do so or not.
  • My friends may not agree with choices that I make but their opinion cannot stop me from living my life.
  • Hot weather is not able to stop me from going for a long run. Cold weather is also unable to.
  • A virus cannot stop me from going out and enjoying life.

What I am not free from are the consequences of my actions.

  • Sure, I can choose to ignore government mandates, but the consequences of that choice could cost me.
  • I could ignore my family and prioritise other things, but the consequences of that choice could cost me relationally.
  • I could ignore my job and go to the beach all day, but the consequences of that choice could cost me financially (also, sand).
  • I could ignore my friends and lose them.
  • I could ignore the weather and burn or freeze.
  • I could ignore the virus and get sick.

I am not free from consequences, but I am free to choose which consequences I want.

So, in my freedom…

  • I am choosing to protect my family and community by getting vaccination and wearing a mask when necessary.
  • I am prioritising time with my family to build quality, long term relationships.
  • I am committed to my job which I find fulfilling, which will serve me, my family and the organisation I work for in the long term.
  • I heed the advice of my close friends, whom I’ve chosen wisely, which will help me make wise choices.
  • I will run whenever I want, regardless of the weather, but sometimes I will do it indoors on the treadmill, so that I can keep running for a long time to come.
  • I am choosing to restrict my movement in the short term to stay as healthy as I can for as long as I can.

2022 is the year of freedom to choose the consequences that I want, which is an unbelievable gift that carries a weight of responsibility.