I am not the first person to be confronted by it and I won’t
be the last, but it is still overwhelming. To discover that I have an addiction
was quite a shock. There weren’t any tell-tale signs, or specific behaviour
which would have given it away and it wasn’t until I sat thoughtfully and
considered what motivated me in my decisions that I noticed it, staring me in
I am addicted to feeling good. It might not sound like much
but it is a sneaky little motivation that has robbed me of so much. It has kept
me from being bold, trying new things, building strong relationships, having
difficult but necessary conversations, and ultimately it has kept me from
You see, as one of the motivating jets that can make my
decisions on a sub-conscious level, feeling good has kept me inside my comfort
zone, unchallenged and lacking integrity. Sure there are other things that can
motivate our behaviour without us realising it, but for me feeling good is my
But, as with any addiction, the more you acknowledge it,
talk about it and understand it, the less control it has. Over time, as I have
noticed it playing out, I have been slowly replacing the urge to feel good with
the desire to allow myself to feel uncomfortable. To sit the space of
discomfort and realise that it won’t kill me, but in fact it could be the exact
thing that I need to experience to get to where God is calling me to go.
“You will not be satisfied until you step into a life of generosity” Jason Jaggard
I find it most difficult on Monday mornings. Not every one, but generally it’s a Monday. The day brings with it a sense of longing, questioning and searching. Is what I am doing really worthwhile? What if I am just wasting my time? What if no one else gets it? Is this really what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?
Perhaps you know these questions and the driving force behind them, which is what I would call the search for purpose. What motivates my behaviours? Why do I do what I do?
Some will suggest that we all have a calling – something specific that we are placed on this earth to do and if we don’t find what that is we can miss our calling and then ultimately miss our purpose in life.
Others think that we don’t have a specific task or calling but we are to be the best that we can be wherever we end up. It’s more about the attitude than the action.
If you spend enough time with me you will discover that I don’t go to many extremes, but I like to find somewhere in between. (Why don’t we have both?)
I think we all have certain things that we are called to do, they may turn into our vocation or they may be specific actions along the journey. At the same time the attitude is fundamental, perhaps even more important.
If we, as people are able to act out in generosity, then that attitude will take any action that we do and make it amazing.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Remember that question? I feel like it was a constant companion when I was little. This question of future possibilities. It was usually answered with ‘a policeman’, or ‘an astronaut’ or ‘a fire engine’. You know, the standard things kids want to be.
I don’t ever remember being asked, what do you want to do when you grow up? It was always what do you want to be? It’s a little thing, but it speaks volumes about how our thinking changes as we grow.
‘Be’ elicits thoughts of a calling, of becoming something and creating something.
‘Do’ is just about doing things and actions.
I believe that we all have a desire to be something, to fulfil our calling, the reason why we are here on this planet. More often than not, I have discovered that peoples calling is about other people. Caring for them, helping them, finding fulfilment in watching others grow and develop and reach their full potential.
There is no doubt that we ‘do’ things in the process, but the doing serves the calling, not the other way around.
So what do you want to be when you grow up? There is something within each and every one of us which cries out to help other people – but whether we listen to that is up to us.