I am not the first person to be confronted by it and I won’t be the last, but it is still overwhelming. To discover that I have an addiction was quite a shock. There weren’t any tell-tale signs, or specific behaviour which would have given it away and it wasn’t until I sat thoughtfully and considered what motivated me in my decisions that I noticed it, staring me in the face.
I am addicted to feeling good. It might not sound like much but it is a sneaky little motivation that has robbed me of so much. It has kept me from being bold, trying new things, building strong relationships, having difficult but necessary conversations, and ultimately it has kept me from growing.
You see, as one of the motivating jets that can make my decisions on a sub-conscious level, feeling good has kept me inside my comfort zone, unchallenged and lacking integrity. Sure there are other things that can motivate our behaviour without us realising it, but for me feeling good is my kryptonite.
But, as with any addiction, the more you acknowledge it, talk about it and understand it, the less control it has. Over time, as I have noticed it playing out, I have been slowly replacing the urge to feel good with the desire to allow myself to feel uncomfortable. To sit the space of discomfort and realise that it won’t kill me, but in fact it could be the exact thing that I need to experience to get to where God is calling me to go.